Unlock Your Door

The first thing on my mind when I woke up was the fact that I couldn't breathe.

Calm down. Slow down. Slow breaths. They don't have to be deep. Just slow down. They're not here.

They're not here.

The second thing on my mind was my family. I tried to push them out of my mind, but their voices were echoing through my head.

What do you mean you like girls? Are you telling us you're a homosexual? How could you betray God like this? This will make a mockery of our family. I forbid you from entering a relationship with a woman.

I shut my eyes and tried to push their voices out of my mind.

The third was how late it was. I checked my phone and groaned when I saw it was three in the morning.

You can't even sleep properly. Why would we expect you to do something as simple as date a man?

I ground my teeth and pressed my palms to my eyes. There were already tears building up against my hands.

Get out of my head. Breathe. It's not real. Breathe. Relax. Just get through the night.

Sleep didn't come for the rest of the night. When the sun started rising, I got up and threw on my winter jogging clothes. My parents' voices were getting louder, and even my music wasn't drowning them out. After my jog, I took a very long shower and tried to burn the voices out of my head. When that didn't work, I curled up in bed and let myself cry.

Don't bother coming home. If this is how you're going to live your life, then we don't want to be a part of it. You can say goodbye to whatever money I was paying to send you to that stupid school.

My phone rang and startled me. I wiped my eyes and cleared my throat. Rachel was calling, and she would know something was wrong if I didn't answer.

"Hey, babe." I said softly.

"Hey. Guess I'm staying here for Christmas."

Oh no.

"What? Why?"

"Have you looked outside in the last hour? It's not going to stop any time soon, according to every news station in the nation."

I frowned and looked outside. Almost a foot of snow had built up in the time since my jog.

"Oh. So your flight's cancelled? You're just not going home for the holidays?"

"I'll reschedule it for after Christmas because I don't like travelling on holidays."

"It's going to be way busier if you don't go on Christmas though."

"Yeah, but I was hoping maybe we could do something. Since you said you were going to be by yourself."

"You- you want to spend Christmas with me?"

"Well, yeah. You're my girlfriend. Why wouldn't I want to be with you?"

If this is how you're going to live your life, then we don't want to be a part of it.

"I just- I figured you would want to be with your friends or something."

"Everyone is going home for the holidays. Except for you. Which I wanted to talk to you about, actually. I just kept chickening out."

My heart all but stopped at that. Was she going to make me explain? Do I have too much baggage for her to want to be with anymore? Does she think I'm weird for not going away for the holidays? Maybe she thinks I'm a workaholic.

I hesitated but tried to keep my voice steady," Talk about what?"

"My mom asked me a few weeks ago, but I wasn't sure if it was too soon. I don't really care about that anymore. She wanted me to invite you to come home with me."

"She- what?"

"You're my first girlfriend. I think she's trying to be super supportive because she never did this before I came out."

I forbid you from entering a relationship with a woman

How could you betray God like this?

This will make a mockery of our family.

Don't bother coming home.

Every terrible thing my parents said to me rang loud in my ears.

"Maya?" Rachel said.

I cleared my throat," I'm here. I just..."

"It's okay if you don't want to. I know we haven't talked about it a lot, but I know you don't have the best relationship with your family. We can move as fast or as slow as you want."

"I just...don't want to disappoint them. Or you."

"How would you disappoint us?"

"Nevermind. It's dumb."

"It's not dumb. But we don't have to talk about it if it makes you uncomfortable."

"It...does. But I think we do need to talk about it. I don't think this is a phone conversation though."

"Then unlock your door. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

I could hear some shuffling and keys jingling.

"You're crazy. There's a foot of snow outside. It's not like you can drive here."

"No, but you're only a fifteen minute walk away. I guess it'll be twenty minutes with how much snow is on the ground."

"Rachel, you're going to make yourself sick."

"I'll be fine. I'm from Wisconsin. This doesn't bother me at all."

"It should."

"Well it doesn't. Unlock your door."

"I'll unlock my door if you promise me that you're putting in your airpods so we can talk while you walk. If you go down on your way over here, I want to know so I can go out and find you."

Rachel laughed," Fine. Give me a minute."

Twenty minutes later, Rachel was locking my front door and shivering in her socks. I rolled my eyes and nodded toward the couch.

"Take off your shoes. I have all my blankets out and hot chocolate ready. I'll get you some fuzzy socks."

She beamed through her shivers and started kicking off her shoes. I snuck into my room for the pair of socks while she was getting curled up in a few blankets.

"These are for you. Let me get the hot chocolate. Then we can talk."

Rachel nodded and turned her focus to the socks. When I got back, she took the mug from my hands, put it on the coffee table, and pressed a quick kiss to my cheek. She wrapped her arms around me and held tight.

"You're my favorite person."

"All I did was keep you warm."

"And I'm grateful for it."

I rolled my eyes and felt myself relax for the first time since I woke up," You're a dork."

She gave me a goofy smile and picked her mug back up.

Anxiety was starting to bubble in my stomach. I could still hear their voices in my head, and it was starting to drive me crazy.

Rachel slipped her hand into mine," Why do you think you're going to disappoint my family?"

"Because..."

I trailed off, and she didn't push me. Instead, her thumb softly ran back and forth on the back of my hand.

"When I came out to my family, I was so sure they were going to be okay with it. They never said anything negative about the LGBT community, and they're friends with the gay couple we lived next to. So I thought it would be fine. But when I came out over winter break during my freshman year of college, they acted like it was the end of the world. They said it was a sin and that I was betraying God. Then they drove me to the airport, told me that they weren't helping me with school anymore, and said to never go back. I finished out that year with my savings, but I knew that my scholarship didn't cover enough to let me work part-time anywhere and keep going to school. So I dropped out. And started working full-time. And I haven't gone home or talked to them since. I think they actually blocked me on Facebook."

I felt Rachel shuffle closer to me. Tears were threatening to slip down my cheeks, but I didn't want to add me crying to an already tough situation.

"I guess they're okay with gay people as long as it's not a part of their family." I muttered, looking down at our hands.

Rachel put a hand on my cheek, softly brushing away a stray tear," I am so sorry you had to go through that. That you're still going through that. You're so strong, and I'm proud of you for building the life that you have now on your own."

"I didn't build anything. It's just me and my crappy apartment and a job at a coffee shop. It's not like I've done anything great."

"Maybe not, but you survived. I know that I wouldn't have been able to survive in your position. And who says that surviving isn't something to be proud of? You made the best of the situation you were in. Are you telling me you aren't happy with your life?"

"No. I'm happy. Most of the time, I'm happy." I nodded, wiping away more tears.

"That's something to be proud of. Maybe you're not proud of it, but I'm proud enough for both of us."

"I think we've gotten off topic," I muttered.

I don't know which is worse. Reliving my trauma or getting praise I definitely don't deserve.

"We're coming back to this later," she relented." I want you to know that you don't have to come home with me. Obviously. If it makes you uncomfortable, then that's fine. That's the end of it. But the invitation will always be open because my parents love everyone. They hadn't had any exposure to the LGBT community until I came out last year, and they've been trying so hard to make me comfortable and be educated and accepting. Plus, they've basically adopted all of my friends and my siblings friends. My mom asks about you every single time I call her, and my dad keeps asking what you like so that he can read up and talk to you about it. Whether you like it or not, they've already decided to adopt you whenever they meet you."

"Well, now I'm nervous for a different reason." I muttered.

She cracked a smile, hearing the sarcasm in my voice," Like I said, you don't have to come if you don't want to. But it would be nice to spend time with everyone I love."

Did she just...?

Her grin turned nervous," Not how I meant to tell you, but yeah. I love you. I would love if you came home with me whenever I can catch a plane."

I pulled her into my arms and held her tight," Let me think about it. It's still scary, but I guess it's scary for a different reason."

"Of course. You don't have to decide for a day or two at least."

"Oh, and Rach?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you too."

"Good because I'm not giving these socks back. They're the definition of perfect."