Luelmind: Impatience Definitely Does Kill

Written in response to: Write about a character giving something one last shot.... view prompt

18 comments

Crime Fiction Science Fiction

This story contains sensitive content

This short story is a teaser for my book: Luelmind. This prompt got rid of a lot of things that were stopping me from getting progress done. I hope you all enjoy this. Be warned that this story includes, violence, murder, language, and mentions of fire.



He stretched his arms up high and let out a yawn. Work was so exhausting.. He thought to himself with tired eyes. Last night's case involved an arsonist and murderer. Him and his men were called to the case after the arsonist bit, when the murderer came in. It was such a mess. The arsonist was doing her thing, attempting to claim insurance on her several properties, and then the murderer framed her for both the fires as well as his murders.

The detective shook his head tired. He headed towards the back of his room ready to start his bedtime routine. It may have only been seven, but today. Today was a long day.

He made his way to his bedroom, opening his closet and grabbing a pair of boxers. After that he headed to the bathroom for a shower. He yawned again as he blasted the hot water. Hot water helps sooth muscles, right..? He wondered to himself. He let out a sigh combing a hand through his hair. I really hope so..

As he waited for the water to completely warm up, he undressed. He checked the water temperature before deeming it hot enough to enter the space. He inhaled sharply feeling the sharp needles of heat hit his body. "Ahh.. heh heh.." This is good.. Real good. He thought with a grin. Worth the wait.. Worth the day.

He sighed closing his eyes. He took a step back and lifted his head letting the water rush over him. He stood in the shower for what seemed like forever, even as it grew cold. By then, he needed the sudden cold. It felt welcoming too.

The only reason the detective left was when he yawned, which made him realize, it was probably late. I have work tomorrow.. Fuck. He let out a frustrated groan, turning off the water. Angrily, he grabbed his towel drying off his body and hair. He hated going to bed with wet hair. It was so obnoxious.

He put on his boxers and opened the cabinet to receive the deoderant. After putting that on, he went to his kitchen filling up a gigantic glass of water. He brought the glass to his room. After taking a drink of the water, he laid down on his bed, throwing the blanket on himself. The detective mostly used the blanket as a pillow more than anything.

Morning rose much quicker than the man thought. It was like his head hit the bed, and then boom. The loud ringing of his alarm went off. He shook his head, reaching for the glass of water. He smiled a little. It was still cold. Knowing this, he chugged the thing. He shook his head, it was really cold. He let out a sigh before getting up. Within minutes he was dressed. And only twenty something minutes later, he had a coffee, driving to work.

He parked his car in his usual spot, unbuckled, turned off the car grabbing his keys, coffee, and left his car. A beep could be heard as he locked the car doors. The brunette entered the police building.

"Detective Zaiden! There you are!" A voice called out. Immediately he inhaled, attempting to hide his annoyance. I just got here...

"What is it Markson?" He asked before sipping his coffee. He eyed the young one from the corner of his eye. The kid gulped.

"Jon received more information of the Night Killer." He choked on his coffee.

"What?-"

"He wants you to head to the warehouse out by Mary's and Kaleb's place at nine tonight."

"What information does Jon have, Markson?" He asked sharply.

"That the Night Killer lives there." The blonde said. He rubbed his knuckles nervously. "He said that back up will arrive three minutes after you arrive, if you let us know.." He said with a gulp. Zaiden took a deep breath.

"That old warehouse by the Rin's place?" He asked for confirmation. The blonde merely nodded. Zaiden combed a hand through his hair. "Okay then." He says with a sigh. "I assume that's all for the day?"

"Other than the usual, yes sir."

"It's Zaiden."

"Yes si- I mean, yes Detective Zaiden." Zaiden chuckled.

"Here kiddo." He says. "Have the rest of this coffee. I'll be at my place, and be at the warehouse by eight fifty six." He handed Markson the coffee before turning around.

"Th-thank you, si- Zaiden!"

"Of course." Moments later, Zaiden heard the coughing of Markson.

"Why is it so bitter?!" He heard as the door closed. He laughed.



The night was dark, the only thing illuminating the area were the lights of nearby houses and the moon shining over the land. They waited there quietly like the birds there with them. Their target was so close. He was walking closer and closer to the warehouse.

It's almost time.. They thought with a grin. Their target wore his usual brown trench coat. We'll see who wins now, Detective! They stifled a laugh as they twitched. He's so close.. Come on.. Hurry up.. Hurry up. Hurry up! Their target stepped onto the path leading to the warehouse.

They shook in anticipation. Screw it! It's time. It's time! They screamed inside their head. They threw themselves forward, tearing through the bush as if it was nothing. The nocturnal creatures let out cries at the sudden noise. They simply charged forward as if nothing happened. "You'll be mine, Detective!" It screamed.

The detective turned around sharply. His eyes were wide with panic. "Wh- what the hell?!" He shouted stumbling back. The creature charging at him, it was a monstrosity! With the palest skin, blackest eyes, and the most bony frame, it collided with the detective. He grunted at the impact of the creature, and groaned as the two hit the ground. How was this creature so thin, yet so god damned heavy?

"You will.. be mine.. Detective.." It said in it's guttural voice. The blood from the cuts it received via charging through the bush slowly trickled down onto the detective's face. And only then, did the gravity of the situation come to the detective. "Don't fret, Detective. I'll make your death quick... I'm sure you'll like it as well.. A majority of you humans do.." It said with a grin.

"Death?! No- no get off of me!" He shouted, immediately starting to kick and punch the thing. They let out a grunt everytime the detective hit them. Eventually it took enough blows it got off of the detective limping away to protect itself. "What the hell are you?" He barked, eyes wide with confusion and obviously, fear.

"I'm yours, and your mine." It said as if it was fact. Where's my backup? Zaiden thought horrified. He scrambled to his feet.

"I'm no one's and neither are you-" The creature interrupted him, letting out a laugh. The brunette let out a growl like sound before reaching to his waist. His fingers closed around the handle. He drew out his gun. Aimed. And fired.

A scream echoed off the trees. Another gunshot. No scream. Worried, the detective scanned the area. His worry naturally turned to fear as that strange creature was no where in sight. "I'm the Project, Zaiden.. It will take more than a couple bullets to stop me." It growled angrily. He turned around, looking for the thing. "Why would you shoot your grandmother's creation? We are family. We protect and belong to one another.." It said.

Zaiden's eyes widen. Grandma Addison made this thing? He thought confused. Why would she create such a thing?! "That doesn't matter." He says loudly. "You still killed all those people, and for that you must pay."

"If I must..." He heard it say, from wherever it was. "Then you must."

A chill ran down his spine. With the crazy reflexes granted to him from his grandmother he turned around and shot the thing. A scream came from it. He stumbled back. "You Zaiden will pay!" The detective gulped. Please tell me back up's coming soon.. If my grandmother made this thing.. With her friends.. He thought with a dry laugh. I'm as good as dead!

He looked at the creature. He could see the similarities between the Luelmind and this thing. He shivered. The Luelmind were terrifying enough. This thing was entirely different thing. "Surrender or die, Project." He ordered, spitting the name 'Project' as if it was a slur. The creature merely laughed.

"My whole reason for living, is to kill the Luelmind.."

"And yet you kill us humans too." He says raising his gun. He fired another shot. The creature's face dead panned.

"You know we need to feed." It hissed. There's not enough time.. Back up won't arrive soon..

"You can find other ways to feed-" The creature charged at him. Letting out a sigh, he let out another shot. This thing.. The Project, probably planned this.. Another gunshot.

"Only old age shall kill me Zaiden Hunter!" It screamed with a laugh. Panicked, he rose his gun. Empty clicks filled his ears. No.. No. No. NO. NO!

"NO!" He screamed throwing the gun at the creature. I didn't let them know.. Did I?

"Impatience definitely does kill, doesn't it.. Zaiden?" The creature asked mere moments before lunging at Hunter. His eyes widen, both because of the creature's lunge.. And the truth of what it said.

The thing tackled him to the ground. Kicks and punches were thrown. Both screamed. Screaming for very very different reasons. Soon the pale, demonic like creature tore it's claws into the grandson of Zaiden Addison. "The Zaiden line will end here.." It grinned ear to ear.

"No- stop!" He managed to throw in a couple words in between his screams.

However, like everything, his screams stopped. "The Zaiden line is no more." It said with a laugh. "The tainted line, Zaiden, is no more!"

March 04, 2022 22:34

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18 comments

McCampbell Molly
15:33 Mar 07, 2022

Wow, very dramatic. Can't wait to hear the rest.

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Crows_ Garden
15:44 Mar 07, 2022

Thank you!

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Crows_ Garden
15:31 Mar 12, 2022

There's another story relating to this. Also, do you possibly have any advice for this story series?

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McCampbell Molly
13:41 Mar 15, 2022

Yes...I respond well to pictures, but I write Middle Grade Fantasy. I also respond well to movies. Perhaps you could research most loved detective/mystery movies and watch those. Many times, I will hear a one-line phrase that will appeal so much to me, that I feel compelled to use something similar. Just give it your own creative twist. Just as these prompts end up with so many different stories and inspirations, so would the movies. Watch for what intrigues you the most or even what makes you laugh. Also, if you could give your chara...

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Crows_ Garden
14:32 Mar 15, 2022

Thank you for the advice!

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Laura Jarosz
02:06 Mar 13, 2022

Wow--this was intriguing! If this is how your book opens, you are going to have your readers hooked! One of the toughest things for me is knowing when to START the story, and sometimes when I write, I get to the end, then go back to the beginning and cut out a couple paragraphs that I find didn't add anything. Knowing that this is part of a larger work, I think that--as a short story--starting it closer to the good stuff (maybe when he arrives at work) would make it even more effective. I like how you work in hints about your characters' a...

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Crows_ Garden
16:37 Mar 13, 2022

Thank you so much for this comment. I heavily appreciate it! Before I came to Reedsy I could never finish a story. Do you have an idea how I could connect the short stories to create a big one? Or should I keep them as a short story?(And just edit them a bit for better flow) I'll keep note of that for future stories! I'm use to Wattpad so there's either no description at all, or way way to much. I'm glad you enjoy this so much. Thank you once more for commenting, and for obviously, reading.

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Laura Jarosz
21:33 Mar 13, 2022

I don't know of any way to connect the stories together on Reedsy, but if you use the 'Luelmind' title for all the segments, people will easily be able to find them through your profile.

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Crows_ Garden
22:20 Mar 13, 2022

Okay, thank you!

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Craig Westmore
01:18 Mar 16, 2022

I agree with Laura on where to start. The paragraph that starts, "The night was dark..." really felt like the beginning for me. You have the setting and then it goes straight to action. We can get to know the characters in more detail after that. Great action scene, Leo!

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Crows_ Garden
18:26 Mar 16, 2022

Thank you!

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Delia Tomkus
16:04 Mar 10, 2022

I may be missing some context here but... is it normal for somebodies grandmother to create a creature that's trying to kill you?

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Crows_ Garden
16:14 Mar 10, 2022

No worries! And no, it's not. However, if your grandmother hates the abilities you and other beings have- maybe?

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Delia Tomkus
13:55 Mar 11, 2022

ah yes. Really good story by the way.

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Crows_ Garden
15:34 Mar 11, 2022

Thank you.

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Crows_ Garden
15:30 Mar 12, 2022

There's a new story relating to this one if you want to read more.

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Delia Tomkus
21:17 Mar 12, 2022

definitely. I will check it out

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Crows_ Garden
21:28 Mar 12, 2022

Thank you!

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