Mommy and daddy are breaking up... because of me

“Listen, …” my mommy said softly. Her voice kind, but full of pain. I felt the urge to do something to make the look on her face go away but I had no idea what. In reality, it probably wasn't a lot I could do... So instead, I just sat down and prepared myself for the worst. “Your dad and I are going to live in different places for a while. We want you to know this is not your fault, sometimes things just don’t work out for grown ups. We still love each other and we are all still a family, but too much has happened the past year so we have decided that this is the best for all of us. Maybe this way we can all find some happiness… God knows we could all use some right now.” 

One year ago

The sound of the front door closing was what waked me. The next thing I heard was mommy and daddy whispering. Their voices were quiet, but the conversation was heated. “We promised each other!” I heard mommy say, her voice getting louder for each word. “We promised to always be there when our child were going to bed. You know how important that was to me after my dad was never there for me. Work was his everything. I don't want that for us.”

“I know… I know, I am sorry.” My dad answered her. “They needed me for this client.”

“Yeah? Well we needed you here.” The next thing I heard were some dishes klinking together and a pair of footsteps walking towards my room.

I knew he was coming to check on me, maybe tuck me in and give me a kiss on my forehead. I contemplated telling him I was awake and that he could still tell me goodnight, but my teddy told me not to. He explained to me that I might worsen the situation if mommy found out that not only was daddy not here for bedtime, but now I was up past it just because I wanted to see him one more time before a new day dawned and this one gone forever. So I closed my eyes and pretended to be sleeping and for just a little while the whole house fell silent.

I don’t know how much time passed, but just as I almost fell asleep for the second time, I heard my daddy’s voice again, “I really am sorry, honey. It won’t happen again.”

“You promise?” Her voice was much calmer this time.

“Yes” 

“Good. So how did the client go?”

“It went great actually! We got it and my boss told me I might be looking at a big raise”

“That is amazing, baby! I knew you could to do. I am so proud of you.”

“Thank you.” Then it was quiet again for a few seconds, and a small smacking type of sound was heard before my daddy said, “I love you, you know.”

“I love you too.”

7 months ago

The rain hitting the car was deafening. I could barely hear the engine and even less my mommy’s voice talking to my dad over the phone. “No you don’t need to do that, I went to the store yesterday… Oh and I think I might have forgotten to take the chicken out of the freezer, can you do it?… thank you! I was in such a rush this morning, had I gone any later, school would have started without us so I didn’t have time… no… oh okay good… I don't know, when are you coming home today?” We hit a big puddle and I saw the water soaking a pedestrian, I felt kind of bad but couldn’t help the small snicker that came out of me. My mommy continued talking on the phone, but I payed little attention now, I was tired so I let the rain sounds wash over me instead of her voice. At least I did so until she exclaimed, “oh no I totally forgot!… Don't talk to me like that, I am a parent too remember. Of course I know how important the medicine is, I was there when the doctor told us the disease could be deadly without the correct medication… No you listen, my schedule is packed today, I do not have the time! Why can’t you do it for once?… thank you… okay we are here, I have to hang up now… I will call you later, I love you” 

She stopped the car and took her earphones out. “Have a nice day, sweetie. Be good”, She shouted as I hopped out of the car and ran towards my friends. The same friends that envied my family and how we were all still together. I had bragged about it on many occasions. My family was perfect so why wouldn't I? They fought rarely and even when they did they always ended it by telling the other one they loved each other. It was their secret little trick they always said. They had been told from a young age they were destined to be together and I loved hearing the story of how they met. Which was also why I hated when they fought, because I knew how much they actually cared about each other. And I especially hated it when they fought because of me. We were the three musketeers and nothing could break us apart, but the problem was that it didn’t make me less scared that it might do exactly that one day. And what if it would be my fault? What if some things really are too good to be true?

20 weeks ago

I looked around the grocery store, piecing together all the different voices I heard with the correct faces. Our cart was squeaky, so I liked pulling it back and forth and all the voices got a little less loud by doing so. I was in charge of the cart today. My mom had ran to get some milk because she had forgotten it as we walked past it earlier. We were now close to the register and all the ringing sounds that came with it. Mommy and daddy had fought right before we left from home, I was in my room playing so I didn’t hear much of it. I just heard some words here and there: business trip, home, work and dinner. I had closed the door to my room and covered my ears. Then I had imagined the next door neighbor was just playing their music too loud. I had a good imagination so I quickly forgot that was not actually the case and soon I could even hear the music in my head. A little later my mommy had come up and said we needed to go to the store because we had no vegetables for dinner. I had tried arguing we didn’t need vegetables, but I kind of knew I was not going to win that case. We always had vegetables. As we walked out the door they gave each other a kiss and told each other “see you soon” and the usual: that they loved each other. The fight seemed to be over and they were back to normal so I was happy on the ride to the store and were still in that mood as I guarded the shopping cart. An older man was standing a few feet away from me, he seemed to be waiting for someone or something as well. He was looking at some of the magazines that were smartly set close to the register to spark the curiosity as customers stood patiently in line. His shopping cart was empty despite being at the finish line of the store. He smiled at me and told me I had a beautiful mom and said that my father better be careful not to lose her. Women like that needed to be treated right he had said. I politely smiled and nodded, but didn’t give him an answer, just like I had been taught. “Never talk to strangers, sweetie, but never use that as an excuse to not be polite either.” My mommy had told me a couple years ago. I stood there hoping he would go away after that. That he could take a hint, but he continued the conversation. He was now talking about how, if I were lucky, I would get her looks and said that some of her features seemed to be visible already and how that was a good sign. Suddenly, a loud rumble came from the other side of the store and I was momentarily distracted by it. Something must have fallen off the shelves somewhere. I kind of wanted to go investigate, but stayed put so my mommy could find me where she left me. 

42 days ago

“Working late again I see.” My mommy said as my daddy walked in, his umbrella soaked because of the rain outside. She was sitting on the couch with a wine glass in hand.

“It keeps my mind occupied.” He opened the fridge and took a beer before joining her. “Maybe you should try the same.”

“Nothing keeps my mind occupied” She looked tired, her face hollow and dark circles were visible around her closed eyes. I almost didn’t recognize her.

“You haven’t even tried, honey.”

“Well, maybe you should try being home for once.” She accused with a hard voice and stood up with such power that I worried she would fall right over. She no longer looked like she had the kind of strength that it took for a person to stay upright but she somehow managed it. Then she walked away.

“You know I can’t do that.” My daddy said defeated, like he was actually the one who had lost all his strength. She was too far gone to hear him and I was not so sure he even wanted her to. Then he sighed and closed his eyes,“Everything here reminds me of what we have lost.” 

It broke my heart when I saw them both getting ready for bed in that state and no other words being exchanged in our house the rest of the night.

present

The church bench creaked as she adjusted and leaned forwards, her hands folded and resting on the back of the bench in front of her. “I don’t even know why I am telling you this… I don’t even know if you can hear me, and even if you do, us getting a divorce is not what you want to be hearing. We were everything to each other. The three musketeers... I guess a part of me is hoping you can’t hear me. That would mean you are still alive and out there. That there is hope you will come back to me. To us. But another part is praying you can hear me… because at least that means you are no longer in pain, that whoever took you no longer holds any power over you. I can’t believe its been 19 weeks and six days already." She took a deep breath as a tear rolled down her face. "Time really flies when all you want is for it to move backwards. When you need it to. You have no idea how much I miss you, sweetie… The police just keeps saying they don’t know what happened and that they don't know what else they can do. They have already pursued every lead they could find. They seem to be at a dead end… I can’t stand not knowing! I love you so much, I just need a sign you are okay. Please, are you okay? Can you even hear me, sweetie?”

I can mommy and I miss you too.