Hope

I see her everywhere I go, it doesn't make any sense. It's crazy because she's been gone for almost four years and it seems to always happen around this time every year. Why? August, I see her for almost 9 days and then POOF it's back to my regular life. My mother, that's who I see, almost 4 years ago she lost her life to cancer. It was a battle I wish I could have fought for her and if someone had to lose I would've rather taken that bullet. Hi, I'm Luis and this is the story of how I see my dead mother every year for 9 days.

August 9, 2016, was the day she passed away, and actually, the only time I didn't see her before my mother passed away but after. The day she passed away broke me I was furious for the fact that she had given up. The fact that she was able to in her own mind make the decision to be a DNR (DO NOT RESUSCITATE) this meant that when she was gone she was gone and there was nothing the hospital nor I could do. But I was also sad for thinking this, I knew she'd been suffering and I knew she couldn't take it anymore so in a way it was the best thing she could do. A couple days later we had the days of prayer. Which was this time in which we prayed for 9 days to God in hopes of getting her closer to heaven. This was the first time I saw her, I was sitting at the dining table while everyone else prayed in the living room. I looked up to see a woman standing and praying, though I could only see her backside I knew it was her. From her hair to her arms to her legs right down to her shoes, I knew it was her. But I could not get up, the fear of it not being her hurt more than realizing it could never be her because she was dead. So for the days that we prayed, I sat in the back and pondered the idea of it being her. I knew it could never be her but I kept hope.                               

August 9, 2017, I saw her again this time I wanted to say something I wanted to know if it really could be her. Maybe it was a sister in which she died and she was actually alive, god I just wanted every theory to be true. I wanted her to be alive, my suspicions grew with the coming of those 9 days. The more and more I thought about it I wondered, why does my family not notice this woman? Then I started to flutter what if I was going insane, what if my emotions were unstable and it created this woman that was identical to my own mother?  Could it be that my mind was toying with me? I thought all this while looking down into my lap in the dining room while everyone prayed in the living room. I did not want to look up because I was afraid that if I did she would be gone and I would have imagined the whole thing. I waited for the prayer to be over and everyone to leave so that I could lookup.

August 9, 2018, the routine was the same, my family and I got everything ready and waited for people to arrive and begin to pray. But this time I set up and sat down looking into my lap immediately. Usually, I wait in my room and come out when everyone is here then I sit in the dining room and fantasize about what my mother and I could be doing. We could do so much, watch movies, eat breakfast/lunch/dinner together, talk to each other, hug each other, and most importantly I could tell her how much I love and appreciate her. My aunt passed by me and said: “what are you doing?” Which actually I didn't find so strange it has been 2 years many had gotten better and actually grieved. While I just hid my emotions and fantasized for 2 years. “I'm waiting for everyone,” I said, She replied with “‘Well there's no need to sit like that, sit properly,” she said. And she was right, I looked awkward like I was sad that my mother had died and I buried my head because of it. But that's how this family was; we swept things under the carpet. That's why I loved my mother so much she liked to deal with things before they blew up in her face. This time around a man showed up in place of her, in her spot, she always stood in that spot.

August 9, 2019, the same old routine happened except this time I waited till everyone got there. I thought maybe I had missed her and she stood in another place. So I waited then when everyone stood up and prayed, I searched around looking for her. Sadly I could not find her but the man was there. I waited until the prayer needed to speak with this man. I went up to him and said: “Hi I know this is going to be strange but do you have a wife?” He said “yes but no one has referred to her in years, why do you ask,” I said, “What happened to her?” He said, “She died in a battle with cancer, why do you ask?” I said, “I'm sorry for your loss, but do you happen to have a picture of her?” He said “Yes” and showed me the picture of them together. But to my surprise, it looked nothing like her. “I told him thank you” and walked away. I realized something at that moment, I had spent so much time thinking of a life I could have if she was still here, that I forgot to focus on a future without her. It made me sad that it wasn't her and even sadder that I couldn't see that woman and fantasized about telling my mother I loved her and hugging her. 

August 9, 2020, this has not come yet but I made a promise to myself that I would focus on the future and try to live a life without her.

***UPDATE*** I've seen her again, she's in the living room and I'm in the dining room. I can see her….. I think I'm going to start by thinking of telling her my day then I'll talk about what I plan to do….then we can talk about where we'll go to eat and then…… and then….and then…..and then I'll hope to see her again.