Always and Forever

Rowan. A name I will always remember and a person whose memories I will never be able to completely bury . The first time we met was the day I had finally decided to face my biggest fear. There I had been at 15 years old, wearing an oversized hoodie and clutching a water bottle while peering into the mouth of the never ending abyss that was the Dresden Woods. Ever since I could remember, I had been scared of the forest for no particular reason. Maybe it was the air of mystery that surrounded the acres upon acres of trees, it seemed like a place humans shouldn’t enter. I mean we had already taken so much for ourselves on this Earth, forests felt like areas where Mother Nature should have the ability to protect herself from prying eyes. Either way, I was tired of being a wimp, tired of my brother’s teasing, today was the day I would conquer the forest once and for all. Despite my resolve I could not seem to get my feet to move, I was transfixed by the atmosphere. It was quiet, so quiet I could hear the wind gently rustle through the leaves and shake the calloused branches of trees that had probably been standing long before the town of Dresden had even been established. 

I felt him before I saw him, it all happened so fast that I had no time to process. I had mentally prepared myself for anything I could possibly encounter but I definitely wasn’t prepared for a red haired, scrawny teenage boy to fall from the sky and knock me to the ground. I had no idea what to do so I kept my eyes tightly shut and hoped whoever this was would think I was dead and leave me alone. An idiotic thought when I think back now, but for an absolutely terrified 15 year old, that seemed to be the only reasonable option. 

After about a minute of anxiety inducing anticipation I decided I couldn’t stay still anymore and slowly opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was his green eyes twinkling with mirth, mischief and something akin to curiosity, his fiery red hair was messily sticking up in at least four different directions. And it was there in that moment that I knew I was a goner, I had already fallen in love with the boy haphazardly sprawled on top of me. My Rowan.

The alarm rang with a shrill tone and I was jolted out of my beautiful memories. I quietly stepped out of my comfortable bed and started on my morning routine. I had just finished washing my face when I felt a pair of muscular arms wrap themselves around my waist. I immediately stilled but soon gave in and relaxed into his hold when he tugged me further into him. I could feel him peppering soft kisses along my neck, his lithe fingers finding their way into my loose tresses and affectionately massaging my scalp. 

“I love you so much Willow, more than anything else in the world”, his husky voice whispered into my ear.

“I love you too” I managed to mumble out, not being able to match his level of affection.

He finally let me go, and I spun around to meet the loving gaze of my husband Ashton. I placed the palms of my hands on his chest while he moved forward to kiss my forehead. My life was seemingly perfect, the epitome of marital bliss.

As a teenager it’s easy to be able to imagine your entire future and be convinced that fate will be benevolent enough to agree with your plans. I was no longer a naïve 15 year old but instead a matured 30 year old with more of a grasp on how the world worked. I was reminiscing on these thoughts while standing on the porch of the 2 story home I owned with my husband. It had become a ritual of mine to drink my morning ginger tea while facing the lone willow tree that lived on our property. Right as I had gotten situated on the porch swing, the front door opened with an urgency and I knew that Ashton was late for work again. I watched with a smile as he sprinted towards his car, with his suit jacket half buttoned and his wallet dangerously close to falling out of his pocket. But as always he paused mid sprint and hurried back to give me a quick peck on the lips, before bending down to kiss my extended stomach. “Be good to your mommy while I’m gone champ” he sternly said to our unborn child before I playfully shooed him away to his car. 

I kept the smile plastered on my face until Ashton’s car disappeared around the bend. My eyes found the willow tree again, and my thoughts shifted back to Rowan. Right after I had looked at him for the first time he had given me a cheeky smile and helped me to my feet. 

“The name’s Rowan and before you ask yes it did hurt when I fell from heaven as you’ve just clearly seen”, he followed that up by a wink. I of course couldn’t help but blush, I hadn’t had many interactions with guys before this point and the whole situation was causing me to become increasingly flustered. 

I felt his eyes linger on my flaming cheeks and I almost gasped when he gently tucked a loose lock of hair behind my ear. He stood there unmoving, patiently waiting for me to gather my thoughts.

“My name’s Willow”, I finally managed to squeak out

“Willow…”, he said while nodding his head, taking a pause to test the word out on his tongue

“What are you doing out here alone?” he questioned almost with concern now. His previous playfulness all but evaporated as he studied my face some more.

I internally panicked, should I tell him the truth? That I was terrified of the woods, that I had accepted a challenge from my brother to spend the night here without chickening out. I looked up into his eyes once more and saw no indication that he would make fun of me. And I was right.

As soon as I explained what I had set out to do, his expression softened and he intertwined his hand with mine. “I know we just met Willow, but I am what you could call a true gentleman. No way am I letting a pretty girl like you wander Dresden alone. So I volunteer to be your tour guide and bodyguard for today.”

I started to protest but he would have none of it, so I conceded while secretly being over the moon that I would get to spend more time with Rowan. With our hands still intertwined he led me further into the woods, stopping every once in a while to make sure I was doing okay. I became hyper aware of my surroundings, of the dry leaves gently crackling beneath our feet, of the  pitter patter of small woodland creatures, of the warmth of Rowan’s hand tucked into mine.

Our comfortable silence was interrupted when Rowan paused and turned to face me. “Have you ever seen a willow tree before?” he questioned. I shook my head, Dresden didn’t have any willow trees as far as I knew and I had never left this town. 

A grin took over his face and he led me deeper and deeper into the woods, the sun was beginning to set and the magic of our encounter was starting to wear off. Suddenly I realized with a chill that I was following a strange boy into the woods at night with no sense of where I was and how to get home. I also realized that I had no choice but to trust Rowan, he wouldn’t hurt me right?

Soon after, we came across a clearing, and to my shock a willow tree. How was it possible? Willow trees didn’t grow in Dresden, everyone knew that. We walked right up to the base of the tree and sat down, the canopy of droopy leaves covered us making it feel like we were in an enclosed, private space. He smiled at me and I smiled back. I had only known this boy for an hour but I had never felt such peace or calm with anyone else in my life. That night we didn’t sleep, we spent the whole night talking. I learned about his family, his brothers, his pets and his new hobby of climbing trees which he clearly needed to improve on. I told him about my family, my interests, my dreams. It felt like I could tell him anything and that he would never tell another soul. That night I had my first kiss. I can still remember the feel of his lips against mine, his soft caresses, his hands running up and down my body. That was the best night of my life and the beginning of the chapter of my life dedicated to Rowan and Rowan alone. 

After that night we became inseparable. It was almost like we became addicted to each other. We spent most of our time in the woods, I no longer feared them. The woods had given me the love of my life and for that I would always be grateful to them. The mysterious willow tree was our secret place. A tree that shouldn’t have existed was witness to our blooming love that also shouldn’t have existed. “Rowan belongs to Willow and Willow belongs to Rowan”, he would say as he kissed the tips of my fingers one by one. Ten years flew by in each other’s arms and our love for each other only grew deeper. Rowan was mine and only mine and I was his and only his.

A sharp pain in my abdomen once again distracted me from thoughts of my beloved. I looked down at my pregnant belly and slowly rubbed my hand over it in soothing circles. The wind had picked up and my measly cardigan was no longer providing me adequate warmth. I sighed, and went back inside but not before taking one last longing look at the tree that bore my name. 

Rowan was no longer an active part of my life but my every thought, every waking moment was rooted to him, to his memory. I had tried to move on but how can you move on from someone who will always exist as a part of you?

The next morning was Sunday, I was surprised to find myself alone in bed. Ashton was always a late riser and almost never woke up early, especially not on his one day off. I carefully got out of bed and started my morning routine. I stepped onto the porch like usual when my heart lurched in my chest. The mug full of steaming hot ginger tea fell from my hands and smashed onto my feet but I didn’t even feel it. I could feel my hands shaking but I was frozen in place. 

Within seconds Ashton was in front of me, looking panicked at my state and fussing over the shards of porcelain that were littered around my feet. I tuned him out entirely, all my focus was on the willow tree. The normally lone willow was no longer alone, surrounding it were small, freshly planted rowan trees. I didn’t even notice Ashton picking me up bridal style and bringing me inside. The only thing I could see were the red rowan berries taunting me. Red like his perpetually messy hair. The only thing echoing in my ears was Rowan’s voice, the last thing he had said to me before our future together was destroyed. 

I snapped out of my daze when Ashton turned me to face him, I was drowning in his gaze but for all the wrong reasons. He studied me, he knew something was wrong, he had always known something was wrong, but he had ignored everything for whatever reason. I held his hands and took a second to relax my breathing, when I looked back at Ashton his usual caring demeanor was back. 

“What… What are those trees doing here?” I asked him, trying to mask the desperation in my voice but failing.

Ashton gave me a sad smile and intertwined his fingers with mine.

“Come with me.”

I let him slowly lead me to the willow and the surrounding new rowan trees. I hadn’t come this close to this tree in a long time, preferring to admire it from afar. He sank to his knees and I followed suit.

“He’s been gone for 5 years and it still doesn’t feel real. I don’t know where he is or why he left but I wanted to honor him. I’ve avoided talking about him for so long but now that I’m going to be a father I just want a reminder of him around. Our kid deserves to know about their uncle. My brother. My twin. Rowan…” Ashton sobbed as he broke down in my arms. I gently rubbed my husband’s back in a rhythmic motion, gently shushing his anguished cries. The wind began to pick up and I felt it whistle through the drooping branches of the willow, tears began to prick my own eyes. With one hand soothing my husband’s back, I used the other to feel my love in the ground. Ashton would never know that our Rowan was here, the man that we both loved was under our very feet. 

I had loved Rowan more than life itself, but when he decided he wanted more than me. I took matters into my own hands. I had to. He couldn’t leave me ever, we belonged together in any and every form. Ashton was Rowan’s living shadow, so I had to have him as well. Every part of Rowan belongs to Willow, always and forever.