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Contemporary Fiction

Everything went downhill after I murdered Vic Tornado, and then it all got worse when he came back to life.

I’m reminded of it every time I see that dunce’s name, like right now, fluttering on a banner across the street. They’re opening the Hilldale Mall today, with an old-fashioned ribbon cutting ceremony. “With Special Guest: Vic Tornado!” the banner reads. I bet the audience didn’t know that. I bet they came here expecting to see a spectacle, and they got hoodwinked at the last moment, saddled with the likes of Vic. I can’t help but sigh. The boredom some of us inflict on our audiences gives me gas.

“What do you suppose is going on there?” asks Mr. Parker, the old man who runs the Grenscott Garden Centre. He adjusts his cap against the morning sun and chews… something. He’s always chewing, like an old farmer with a piece of straw.

I love the garden centre as it’s ideally suited for all my yard work needs – indeed, just today did I pick up a spanking new shovel, a bag of soil, some do-it-yourself fertilizer, and a lovely little Forsythia named Debbie. I actually ran into Vic here earlier too, as he was browsing, and wouldn’t you know it? The sneak was eyeing up the Forsythia I had picked out. He’s always trying to steal everything I want. Well, this time the good guy won and she’s mine. Anyway. Parker runs a tight ship, but I swear the old man has a few screws loose.

“It’s the mall opening, Parker. They’ve been advertising it all month. It’s the biggest social event in all of the third week of June. And,” I wave my hand in the general direction of the banner and roll my eyes, “Vic Tornado is the… guest of honour.”

Parker squints across the unbusy street and scratches his chin. “Oh,” he says. Then, “Who?”

I admit, I feel a jolt of anger – how can any functioning adult be as disconnected from the pulse of the city like Parker? – but then it hits me. Oh. Who? Verbatim, the lines spoken by Danielle Draven, in season three, episode sixteen, after she got amnesia and was confronted by her betrothed – played by, of course, Vic Tornado. It would have been heart wrenching if that buffoon didn’t slapstick it up with his stupid expressions.

I smile wide and clap Parker on the shoulder. Bravo, Parker, well done. A cutting rejoinder. “Nobody important, surely,” I say, winking at him. This is why I like the Grenscott Garden Centre. It’s not because the prices are fair, or the quality is good, it’s because I know I can always count on my fans. They know the writers did me dirty.

Season seven was a boondoggle from the start. Every spicy new idea the writers came up with turned into more ratings diarrhea, and so what do those coked up monkeys do? They just keep throwing Hail Maries in every direction, not even checking if anyone was on the field to receive them. Like the whole Alaska arc which they just dropped after the ship capsized, or Trent’s ambitions to be a vintner on the Tuscan coast – clearly forgetting this was already done in season four! – and that whole debacle with the pirates. Pirates, in a land bound hotel. That’s some real dog logic there. Some real sloppy writing.

And of course, the worst offence of all, throwing my character under the bus. I had no motivation for gunning down Vic, but it didn’t matter how much I screamed at the mouth-breathers, they still wrote this idiotic plot line for the season finale. Oh, sure, we got a response – a torrent of hate mail! My fans knew this was the height of stupidity and they came to my defense in droves. I actually had hope the writers would fix it over the break, but I guess I was naïve, still blinded by the radiance of being an international movie star. Still foolishly trusting in the competence of nature’s bottom feeder, the writer.

The opener of season eight was the worst bomb that has ever been dropped, anywhere. Ever. Inexplicably, Vic comes back to life – he was dead! he was in a fucking casket! and they re-wrote it as a coma! – and then I get arrested, and that’s it. I’m off the god damned show. No wonder the whole thing died after that, only lasting another nine seasons.

“Is it one of your, uh, events, Mr. Chapeau?” Parker asks.

Is what one of my events? Oh, the mall opening. Hmm. Maybe it should be. After all, I doubt the good audience can count on that hack, Vic.

“Naturally,” I say. “You don’t mind if I leave my van parked here?”

He shrugs and grunts. Yes, to the untrained eye that might look disinterested, but I know Parker’s a deeply anxious man, prone to being easily overwhelmed by fame. Often my mere presence renders him speechless, and he’ll listen patiently to all my acting stories. He’s a model fan.

I cross the street and catch the last of Mayor Thompson’s blurry mumbling from atop the stage. I doubt anyone can understand him through that third rate mic, but at least there’s a certain reassuring warmth to his bass voice.

“And now,” he says, “the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the ribbon cutting by our special guest, the homegrown hometown superstar of our little burg, Mr. Vic Tornado!”

The audience claps perfunctorily. I also offer an ironic slap of the palms. It’s important for us to encourage our remedial thespians, because you never know who your understudy’s understudy will be.

Naturally, Vic is nowhere to be seen. Mayor Thompson clears his throat. “Vic Tornado!” he says again, and there’s a second round of applause. He looks left and right, as do the other dignitaries gathered on stage.

I make an exaggerated surprised face, looking around just like the rest of the audience. Where oh where could Vic be? my face says. A reporter glances in my direction and I make a dramatic shrug.

Oh, he’s around here, I have no doubt. But these poor people don’t know Vic like us insiders do. The guy’s a prima donna, notoriously late to everything. This is why we had that whole stupid shark plot in season six, episode three. Vic just decided to disappear for a week. And ‘I was in a car accident’ is about as sloppy an excuse as the writers would have come up with. Which they did, later in the season in episode fourteen.

“Um,” says the mayor, after the applause dies down again. “Vic Tornado?” Now everybody’s looking around, and nobody’s clapping.

Except me.

Oh, heavy is the burden I must bear. As celebrities, our first duty is always to the audience, and that means we must never disappoint them. We must always strive to entertain, even when we are being sabotaged by our fellows, or the writers, or the producers, or the critics, or the censors, or whoever else. And so, I am forced to pick up Vic’s slack. Once again.

But I’m not bitter about it. My therapist says – and I don’t have a therapist because I need one, but because my fans expect me to have one, because it’s fashionable – that I should bury my rivalries in the past where they belong. My rivalries become the soil that my new victories sprout from, watered by the tears I shed from all the rude people who have tried to tear me down over the years. I thought that sounded dumb, but then I got her meaning. So I took up gardening, and I grow stronger for it, flowering anew each spring like my lovely Forsythias, and burying one more bad memory.

The show must go on.

I continue my golf clap as I mount the stairs to the stage, and – oh! I just felt a shiver run down my spine. That’s the feeling of hundreds of eyes focusing on me, that glorious shot of adrenaline that fills my veins with life.

The mayor eyes me with a slack jaw and furrowed brow, he's so stunned. He just doesn’t believe his good fortune. He was expecting some C list has been, and he got an international super star. I bet his office didn’t even ask me to attend this because they were afraid I’d be way too busy for a mere small town mall opening. Which I am.

I take my place by his side, nudge him away from the mic.

“Hello everybody!” I say. Ah, see? When you clearly enunciate, even this trash mic can carry your voice to the heavens. “Looks like Vic’s nowhere to be seen, so just like in season two, episode twelve, it falls to Matthew Chapeau to save the day!” I smile brightly, and offer an angelic chuckle.

Curiously, nobody laughs at my joke, but then it occurs to me. Of course, they too are completely stunned, flabbergasted. They thought this was going to be some boring run of the mill mall opening, and suddenly before their very eyes it turned into a red carpet gala.

The reporters squint up at me and whisper among each other, no doubt negotiating who gets to break this story, who gets the exclusive interview. Ah, but there I’m going to have to disappoint you, fair reporters. I have to get back to my gardening.

I give them all a show. There’s notes on the podium but I toss them and improvise. They’re all transfixed as I walk up and down the stage, praising the mall and adding some delightful references to the show. When I grab the oversized scissors from the mall’s CEO, they all gasp, for they know the time is at hand. Then they gasp again when I cut the ribbon. I depart the stage with a wave, and leave them awestruck. They are so overwhelmed they don’t even make a sound.

I make my way back across the street to my van, and eventually some music plays from the mall’s parking lot. No doubt, they have a lot to celebrate today. And their disappointment in Vic is forgotten.

I wasn’t expecting such a busy day, to be honest. All I wanted to do was pop into the garden centre, pick up a new plant for my yard, and then spend the afternoon in the warm sun planting it. I didn’t expect to run into that boor, and even less so did I expect to have to cover for him. Again. Oh well. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t fun. I am, after all, a servant of my fans.

I get in my van and start the half-hour drive out to my little rural home. It’s perhaps not as luxurious a place as fans would expect for me, but I simply love the privacy that living in the countryside affords. When I flip on the radio, I hear they’re already talking about me.

“–one-time actor, Matthew Chapeau. He caused a massive disruption this afternoon, when he stumbled–”

I grin broadly and turn it off. It’s no good to spend too much time listening to people talk about you, as it can go to your head. And besides, I heard the key part. I caused a disruption! Yes, I certainly did. I disrupted their boring mundanity, and injected a bit of class and pizazz. No doubt they’ll be talking about me all week. And not about Vic and his tardiness.

I can't believe the gall that the bastard has. He actually claimed he had reserved the last Forsythia this morning, when he knew perfectly well they are my favourite plants – as everyone knows, from my interviews. He’s just so greedy.

I pull onto my tree lined property and drive around my home to the expansive garden. Okay, I’ll admit, every tree, every shrub, every plot of flowers – each of them are a rough, painful memory. What the therapist said turned out to be pretty wise, because there’s been no shortage of people trying to pull me down throughout my life. Most people don’t know how hard it is to be famous, how that breeds jealousy in the hearts of your lessers, and how they stop at nothing trying to sabotage you.

I dig a hole for my latest plant with my new shovel. Maybe, just maybe, I have some lingering negative thoughts about Vic. Maybe I permit him to ruin my day occasionally. I lost my lucrative TV job in that season seven debacle, and it was really all his fault. I bet he talked the writers into it because he was threatened by my charisma. Ah well.

It’s time to let go of all that and to heal.

I unload my new bags of soil, and the new plant. It’s so supple and tender… I don’t think Debbie’s a good name for it after all. Maybe Melissa. Melissa the Forsythia.

Then I drag my do-it-yourself fertilizer out of the van and into the hole. Christ, is it heavy. I’d love to hire an assistant, but gardening really is rather private work.

And when he hits the bottom of the hole is when he wakes up with a grunt.

Hmm. I’m a little surprised he survived a shovel to the head, but I guess he’s got a thick skull. “Hello, Vic,” I say, looming over him.

He coughs, blinks a couple times, moves a shaking hand to his swollen, bloody face.

“What…” he mumbles. “Who…” My goodness, this is pathetic. The worst concussion acting I’ve ever seen.

“It’s me, Vic. Matthew Chapeau.”

He blinks up at me a couple times. “Who? The guy from the garden centre?”

I tense. How his sneering voice always cuts me right to my soul, I’ll never know.

“Matthew Chapeau, you asshole! I’m the man who’s eclipsed your entire career!”

He frowns at me, and then understanding seems to dawn on him. “Oh my god,” he whispers. “I know you. You’re from that stupid soap opera from thirty years ago, aren’t you? What was it, what was it… oh! That unnamed extra, right? Man with Hat.

Something comes over me. Next thing I know I'm screaming and bringing the shovel down again and again, and after it's over I feel just terrible. The old shovel-to-the-face! What a cliché thing to do, it's like something the writers would have come up with. And here, I stepped right into it. I'm just glad my fans didn't have to see it.

And to top it off, I think I’ve dented my shovel and I’ll probably need another new one. Oh well, it is do-it-yourself fertilizer. I fill in the soil and plant Melissa, while humming the show’s theme song.

Everything went downhill after I murdered Vic and he came back, but there’s no sloppy writers to bring him back this time. This time the show got the ending it truly deserved.

October 10, 2022 20:43

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56 comments

Kevin Marlow
03:35 Oct 11, 2022

With hints of 'The Cask of Amontillado' my fave line was, 'Still foolishly trusting in the competence of nature’s bottom feeder, the writer.' I match your deprecation and up the ante with some self-loathing.

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Michał Przywara
21:30 Oct 11, 2022

Thanks, Kevin! It's always easier to blame someone else - or everyone else - than to improve at something :) I imagine Matthew Chapeau was difficult to work with. If this is in any way reminiscent of Poe, then I'm pleased :) I appreciate the feedback!

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Kevin Marlow
22:06 Oct 11, 2022

Similarly, the plot of 'The Cask of Amontillado' is driven by a vague, perceived slight, revenge, and ends in murder. You hold the payoff till the end, also very Poe.

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Tommy Goround
14:20 Oct 12, 2022

Clapping

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Amanda Lieser
22:54 Oct 23, 2022

Hi Michal! This sorry was full of incredible lines-that intro, that conclusions! I loved both of them. But I’m the interest of not spoiling those aspects of the piece for others, I wanted to pick another favorite out to share with you: Still foolishly trusting in the competence of nature’s bottom feeder, the writer. I love how you really got into this character’s mind and took us on the journey with him. I also loved the TV universe you created within the story. NICE JOB!

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Michał Przywara
20:59 Oct 24, 2022

Thanks so much :) Yeah, it was a fun journey, though I wouldn't want to live in this guy's head. Definitely enjoyable to explore a character through first person :)

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Eliza Troy
11:17 Oct 21, 2022

Hooked me right away. Great story!

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Michał Przywara
21:12 Oct 21, 2022

Thanks, Eliza! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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A. Kangiser
04:50 Oct 19, 2022

I like the depth of character 👏 it’s hard for me to capture those types in my mind, you did it justice.

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Michał Przywara
21:22 Oct 19, 2022

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

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Rebecca Miles
04:26 Oct 18, 2022

Delusional humour at its finest! Mr Chapeau is completely lost under his giant hat of self belief. The structure is a treat, building up his hankering and envy; the climax of the cutting the red ribbon scene was perfect. Got a delicious sense of it all coming together with the star who hasn't turned up for a reason. Billing it as do-it-yourself fertiliser-ha! love it-100% in his POV throughout. I recently watched Paddington 2 again ( it's a family fave) and this story got all the great scenes with Hugh Grant ( one-time famous thesp despera...

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Michał Przywara
22:12 Oct 18, 2022

Thanks, Rebecca! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) I've not seen that movie, but that description sounds apt. I suspect Chapeau would deathly fear prison, but then he'd realize they'd have to write about him - front page news, naturally - and I'm sure he'd find a way to blame the writers :) I appreciate the feedback!

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Rebecca Miles
04:23 Oct 19, 2022

Paddington is a bit of a British institution ( the furry bear who loves his marmalade even got to meet the Queen at her platinum Jubilee). I'd recommend checking out film 2; I'm sure you'd enjoy the thesp Phoenix Buchanan- his name gives you all the hints you need! It's just warm, funny and that character is so literary that it's a gift to us writers. Anyway, good luck with the comp this week!

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Michał Przywara
21:26 Oct 19, 2022

Heh, yeah, I've heard of the bear, but he wasn't a big part of my childhood, which mystifies some of my friends :) I'll put it on my to-watch list. Good luck to you too!

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Kendall Defoe
22:35 Oct 17, 2022

Poe and Thurber, call your offices... A very simple set up that works so well. Good job. Wish I'd seen the show... :( 📺 🖥

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Michał Przywara
03:11 Oct 18, 2022

Thanks, Kendall! Sometimes simple is good :) I appreciate the read!

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Tommy Goround
08:16 Oct 17, 2022

clapping. Love the use of the sitcom's theme song.

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C. A. Janke
00:22 Oct 17, 2022

I recently read Misery and the protagonist of this story almost seemed to me like if someone had morphed Paul Sheldon and Annie Wilkes into one person! The narcissism, the white-knuckle grip on a piece of "trashy" media and the sense of self worth tied to said media, and a completely twisted sense of the world and outright denial of reality. Really cool! I dread to know just how many bad memories Mr. Chapeau has buried in his garden!

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Michał Przywara
03:07 Oct 17, 2022

Thanks! I enjoyed Misery myself, so I appreciate the comparison. It sounds like he's been gardening for a while :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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20:18 Oct 16, 2022

Vic Tornado? 😊 Matthew Chapeau? 😏 Melissa the Forsythia? 😂 Man with Hat? (っ^▿^)۶🍸🌟🍺٩(˘◡˘ ) You win everything today. The dented shovel (and needing ANOTHER one) made me laugh. Why do I think this sort of thing happens in Los Angeles on a weekly basis?

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Michał Przywara
02:52 Oct 17, 2022

Heh, names are such fun :D It's a big town, lots of competition. I wouldn't be surprised. No shortage of stories when you mix egos and broken dreams.

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13:32 Oct 17, 2022

egos + broken dreams = basically, high school

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Kelsey H
09:25 Oct 16, 2022

This is so good. At first I was a little lost trying to work out what was happening and the more I read the more everything started falling into place and then I was totally hooked on it, wanting to see it was going. Ok I love a lot about this but one of my favourite bits was his hate for writers. -What a cliché thing to do, it's like something the writers would have come up with.- ha, so good! Also great was the end and then we realize how long ago all these events actually took place, and how very minor his part was. Perfect way to bring...

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Michał Przywara
03:39 Oct 17, 2022

Thanks, Kelsey! I've heard of actors who don't get along with writers, though I've never met one first hand. But I've seen a similar thing in other disciplines, like the manager who blames their direct reports for every screw up, but takes sole responsibility for any successes. It's probably easier to blame others when our life doesn't turn out the way we expect, even if it's not healthier. Oh well. Can always take up gardening, I guess :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! I appreciate the feedback, particularly about being a little lost initially....

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Jim Firth
13:51 Oct 15, 2022

This is seriously entertaining! I got American Psycho vibes which is a great thing. I liked the allusion to all the other plants and flowers in his garden from people who've tried to tear him down in the past. I wonder if there are bodies buried under each of those? And looking back on Chapeau's interactions with the man who runs the garden centre, it feels like maybe Mr Parker is privy to the murders?!

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Michał Przywara
21:49 Oct 15, 2022

Thanks, Jim! Very happy you liked it! Yes, the whole garden seems a little suspicious. I'm not convinced Matthew *got* what the therapist was talking about after all :) Thanks for the feedback!

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Marty B
03:39 Oct 15, 2022

Great opener! What do you have against sloppy writers!? ...That’s some real dog logic there. Some real sloppy writing.... a car accident’ is about as sloppy an excuse as the writers would have come up with. ....but there’s no sloppy writers to bring him back this time.' There are a lot of us around, so you better be careful! Good story! --signed Proudly Sloppy.

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Michał Przywara
21:19 Oct 15, 2022

Heh, thanks Marty! I've definitely written my share of sloppy :) I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for dropping by.

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Sumiko Courtney
18:57 Oct 14, 2022

One of the best first sentences ever! I love that Vic came back twice.

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Michał Przywara
20:40 Oct 14, 2022

Thanks! It's good to know when opening sentences work. I'm glad you enjoyed the story :)

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Jay Mc Kenzie
09:54 Oct 14, 2022

This was extremely satisfying in every way. What a great/awful/awful-but-great protagonist, with a wonderfully self-centred voice.

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Michał Przywara
20:47 Oct 14, 2022

Thanks, Jay! "awful-but-great", love it :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Suma Jayachandar
09:20 Oct 14, 2022

Michal, I'm so in awe of your ability to generate unique voices. Seriously, what is your process? You got a voice generating algorithm or something? Just kidding. This Chapeau character is so believable and even pitiable at a couple of places- till he starts talking more than once about...well, do-it-yourself fertilizer😂 it's dark humour at its best. Come to think of it, is the name Vic a short form for ...? A thoroughly enjoyable read. The ending, in Deidra's words, 'expected but still surprising' Thanks for sharing!

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Michał Przywara
20:46 Oct 14, 2022

Thanks, Suma! I don't know if I have much in the way of a formal process, but for miserable people, I like to ask why they're miserable, and often it's self-inflicted to some degree. In this case, we have a guy who simply refuses to accept a part of reality: that he's just a crappy actor. Reality being everywhere, it constantly threatens what he wants to believe, and so he constantly needs to reinforce his version by nursing imagined wounds and preemptively attacking anything that rocks the boat. I've met people that do some of these thi...

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Suma Jayachandar
05:04 Oct 15, 2022

Ha! Scrutinizing why someone is miserable seems like a good strategy... considering how humanity loves to stay invested in misery. Thanks for sharing, Michal.

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Seán Mc Nicholl
22:34 Oct 13, 2022

This is great Michał, you had me hooked from that brilliant opener! I love that he was living in his own world of delusions of grandeur. I loved how unlikeable he is, and yet you made him charming in his own arrogance - very well done! A thoroughly engaging and enjoyable story from start to finish! (Perhaps we can all be a little guilty of being the stars of our own lives!) Well done!

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Michał Przywara
23:05 Oct 13, 2022

Perhaps we can :) After all, it might be a bit sad if we were minor side characters in our own lives. Although, that too might be a fun story. "charming in his own arrogance" Heh, what a great description. Very happy it was an enjoyable story! I appreciate the feedback.

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Riel Rosehill
16:42 Oct 13, 2022

Oh wow - alright, gotta gather my thoughts here - I'm glad I popped back on Reedsy for a couple stories! Firstly, the opening line deserves five out of five stars. Brilliant. And how the do it yourself fertilizer comes back at the end after the foreshadowing - oof. I knew he did something at the garden centre!! Love this story. The narration was great as well - you are soo good at crafting these delusional/oblivious characters, malicious or not. Like, when he says that's why the show ended then and there, after only another nine seasons 😂...

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Michał Przywara
20:51 Oct 13, 2022

Thanks, Riel! Always glad to hear from you :) Yeah, these kinds of characters are fun to write. I'm glad there were enough hints that something was fishy, with there still being some room for surprise. Good luck to you too :)

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Francois Kosie
21:50 Oct 12, 2022

The delusional narcissism and obsession with the past of this character you created was really fun to read and fit the prompt quite well. The whole part around "Every spicy new idea the writers came up with turned into more ratings diarrhea" and the "coked up monkeys... throwing Hail Maries in every direction" made me chuckle in the lunch line at work. The part with "a lovely little Forsythia named Debbie" was an interesting touch too. Also, with the name "Chapeau", I see what you did there.

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Michał Przywara
22:45 Oct 12, 2022

:) I'd like to think when he was a kid, other kids mercilessly called him Matt Hat. If he was a super villain that would no doubt be his origin story :) I'm glad you enjoyed it!

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Tommy Goround
16:46 Oct 12, 2022

For the dust jacket: "Mr. Pryzwara, him/them, has fully immersed the lucky readers into a world where 'Man with the Hat' has become a God in a small town full of small dreams. We are _mandated_ by this Creed: believe in sacrificial gardening!" Clap'n. Dankya for the good read.

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Michał Przywara
22:15 Oct 12, 2022

Circle of life, baby! Life feeds on death feeds on life - maximize your garden today! Thanks for the read :)

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Zelda C. Thorne
15:47 Oct 12, 2022

Oh Michal, thanks for this. I'm grinning. So funny. Some favourite things: "the biggest social event in all of the third week of June" Just the name Vic Tornado "Often my mere presence renders him speechless, and he’ll listen patiently to all my acting stories. He’s a model fan." All the obsessively detailed references to episodes of the soap opera - great way to show his character I better stop there before I cut and paste the whole story. Great work. I'm jealous

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Michał Przywara
21:25 Oct 12, 2022

Ha, thanks so much! If it led to grinning, I'm happy :) I initially tried to do something more serious this week, but I think there's something inherently ridiculous about this character and situation. I mean, there's nothing funny about murder… except when there is. I appreciate the feedback!

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