Imperfections

The all too familiar hum of the kettle disrupted the tranquil silence. Lilli didn’t notice. She was expecting company at any moment, but her watchful eye still wasn’t satisfied. Why did the wind always have to cast its ruinous spell at the wrong times? She coaxed the air with its hostility, willed it to impede, but it only became more adamant in its settle for destruction. The collection of teabags laid sprawled haphazardly across the marble coffee table. Her fingers deliberately prodded all thirty-one of them carefully back into order. Unfortunately, with the solution to one problem, an arbitrary onset of self-consciousness posed another. It was about her outfit, the one she’d spent hours selecting. She instinctively ran her hands along the pleats of her skirt, smoothing out the creases that weren’t there.

“It has to be perfect,” she said. “Every little thing has to be perfect”.

She was right. Perfection truly was her only option. The only way for her to avoid the burden of loneliness manifested through imperfection. Lilli couldn’t endure that burden. Not again.

She paced back and forth across the living room as she analysed her efforts once more. She watched the afternoon sunlight as it elegantly cascaded into the room and spread its golden glow in every direction. It was these moments she treasured most. Her heart was warmed when her life’s serendipitous moments coincided with such natural phenomena and that afternoon, she’d planned the intricate details impeccably. It was a rare moment of contentment. The joyous frissons enticed her as they played upon her skin. But she knew the icy serenades of winter were bound to return. They would seize her already-frozen-over soul once again, and they would take her by surprise as they always did.

A gentle knock at the door interrupted her as she began her examination of the furniture positionings. Luckily that was in order. Chaos would have ensued if it wasn’t. The time was 1:02pm. She was two minutes late. Lilli’s sanity malfunctioned; hysteria burgeoned.

As she opened the door, a soft voice interrupted Lilli’s episode and brought her back from the brink. Not completely but just enough.

“Hello, my beautiful friend!”

Hailee beamed as she stepped into Lilli’s weak embrace. It was an expression of their devotion to each other. An act of reassurance. That afternoon, it was far from the heartfelt hug Hailee was used to but she didn’t seem to mind.

“I’ve been so excited to see you again! Luckily, it’s only been a week since my last visit,” Hailee said in a hushed tone.

I’m excited to see you too. But by now you should know not to keep me waiting, Lilli thought.

Even though she was timid and shy, Hailee still exuded her friendly aura. She was a dependable friend. She was kind. Malice and cruelty never permeated their friendship. That was a special quality the girls shared and Lilli knew she ought to be grateful. She knew it was best not to make a scene because there was no such thing as a perfect friendship. But that afternoon, Hailee’s tardiness hit a nerve.

“Oh, it’s really no worries, Hailee. We still have precisely two hours and twenty-eight minutes left together.” She checked her watch. “Well, two hours and twenty-seven minutes now. Just trust me, everything will be ok.” She tried to meet Hailee’s enthusiasm, but of course the tone of her voice revealed the truth behind it. She forced a faint smile, a pitiful attempt at redemption. Fortunately, Hailee seemed too preoccupied to notice. Unfortunately, yet again Lilli’s anguish was left to fester as it brought her closer to the brink of complete degradation.

“What a lovely place you have! I’m certain that it only gets more beautiful every time I visit.”

Lilli appreciated the compliment, but the churning inside her persisted. Though the corners of her mouth upturned, her appreciative smile could not be replicated in her eyes. They remained still.

“Thank you, lovely Hailee. You’re too kind.”

For a moment Lilli pulled her vigilant gaze towards the door as she locked it behind them.

“Come on Hailee, it’s time for the afternoon tea formalities to begin!”

The boisterous jangle of the keys clouded the authority in her voice. When she turned to escort Hailee inside, she wasn’t there.

“And this floral pattern is sensational. Your style is truly exquisite!” Hailee sang from across the room, a coveted cushion in her arms from the Chesterfield couch. The monotonous churning within Lilli was quickly replaced by a vortex of fury. What did this girl think she was doing? Did she have any idea what sheer effort had gone into those cushion positionings?

“Come on Hailee,” Lilli grunted in a sharpened tone.

“I wish Elodie and Elsie were able to come. They would have loved to see your couch looking so elegant.”

Lilli wondered if trying again would reap a different result. Probably not. Her desperation compelled her to anyway.

“Why don’t we sit down for a cup of tea? I have plenty of chamomile tea bags just for you. Besides, I’m itching to hear what’s been going on for you over the past twenty-four hours!”

“Wow, chamomile tea sounds incredible, my lovely! How kind and thoughtful of you!”

At this, Lilli’s anger pacified a little. It pacified just a little more when she saw Hailee make her way over to the coffee table just as she’d been asked to.

“What a lovely little porcelain teacup this is! It’s just so dainty. All of these elaborate patterns make it a truly exquisite piece of work.” A teacup, trapped in Hailee’s firm grasp, became the new object of interest. She raised it further towards her eye level so she could scrutinise it more. “Isn’t it just beauti - “ SMASH.

With that, Lilli’s most prized possession lay shattered in snow white shards, strewn across the warmth of the chestnut flooring.

There was nothing to defend against it this time. Nothing to barricade it out of Lilli’s system. If such an insidious wave of panic wanted in, a barricade would only do so much to stop it anyway.

“WHY CAN’T YOU JUST BE A PERFECT FRIEND?! YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE I HAD LEFT. BUT NOW YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!”

Hailee’s ghost-white face flashed before her. The surrounding room seemed to whirl. But only for a little while. Only before it went completely black.

***

Lilli forced her eyes open. The red digits beside her glared 1:37 AM. A silver moonlight illuminated the room, creating a silhouette of the Chesterfield couch by the window. Trees rustled outside. Her rough bed sheets were already bothersome against her skin. How did she get there? Lone puzzle pieces floated around in her head with an obstinate refusal to move into place. She was alone. Where had Hailee gone? Was she ok? Lilli considered calling out to her. She was about to, but then the smash of the teacup echoed darkly through her and her memory was revived. It was a wild recollection, and her eyes darted across the room as they frantically searched for an explanation. It was to no avail, as she only saw the usual sheen of the vacant floor. She sat up, stiff and confused. Where was the teacup? Never mind. One thing was for certain, she wouldn’t call out to Hailee after all.

The creak from the door pulled her back from her reflections. It wasn’t difficult for Lilli to overhear the conversation drifting into her room. She pretended not to, as she slid deeper beneath the covers and clamped her eyes shut.

“Mrs Redman, I’m afraid I have some concerning news,” a familiar male voice mumbled. “It's about your daughter …” the voice trailed off.

“What is it this time, Dr Wilkins? Surely you’ve started to see some sign of improvement by now?”

He avoided her question.

“Well, it appears Lilli’s had another episode. We’ve been monitoring her closely and they’re becoming progressively worse, Mrs Redman. She’s been babbling on to this Hailee Uhlmann for several weeks now. I’ve checked all the records and there’s no evidence that a Hailee Uhlmann has ever actually existed,” Dr Wilkins explained.

Lilli trembled as anger thrummed through her veins. Of course Hailee Uhlmann existed! Tears silently spilled down her cheeks as she lay in disbelief. There was still more they had to say and she didn’t want to miss any of it. Why were they talking about Hailee? What had she ever done to them? Hailee had always been there for Lilli. She was always there to project an inner light when the ever-present pain seemed to overshadow every moment. She didn’t deserve judgement from these people who knew nothing about her.

“She’s even starting to show symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder within her hallucinations,” Dr Wilkins continued quickly as he noticed her shocked expression. “Please don’t be worried Mrs Redman. It’s fairly common actually. Thirty percent of our schizophrenic patients have also been diagnosed with it. Unfortunately, we just can’t let it go on any further for your daughter. We’re going to have to resort to an alternative treatment.”

“And what exactly will that treatment entail, Doctor?” She questioned, the words somewhat strangled in her throat.

“Electric shock therapy. Five sessions a week for ten weeks commencing immediately.”

The haunted look in Mrs Redman’s eyes reflected her inner melancholy and confusion.

“I’m sorry Mrs Redman,” he continued with a sense of compassion. “It’s the only treatment we have left that could possibly help your daughter.”

The approaching footsteps caught Lilli by surprise. Someone thrust her onto a cold stretcher and muffled her anxious scream. They maintained their firm grasp on her from above as the wheels clattered beneath. She could only lay still, trapped right where they wanted her. She stared at the off-white ceiling in the desperate hope that someone would come to her rescue because the reality was, she was powerless to save herself.

Eventually, the clatter of the wheels stopped. She was transferred to a new surface where brown leather straps were pulled across her ankles and wrists. The brass buckles secured them tightly into place.

Then the electrodes clicked. A mysterious blackness clouded Lilli’s vision, steadily sending her into complete unconsciousness. But not before she saw Hailee’s knowing smirk from over the man’s shoulder.