Malachi and Tiff.

Once upon a lifetime, it was noon in a leafy suburban world. Malachi, all seventeen years old of him, stood at his front door, waving cheerily, a fake smile plastered on his gleaming face.

"Yes, Mum. Bye Mum. Have fun at the wedding, hey!" Malachi was listenting intently, or was he pretending?

"Yes, Mum. Bye, Mum. Yes, Mum, I'll do my essay on Romeo and Juliet. Bloody English teachers, Hey!"

Malachi then absorbed yet more life coaching from his mother. She was all dressed in wedding finery, off to celebrate her niece's nuptials at a seaside destination. He cupped his hand around his ear, sighing dramatically.

"Yes, Mum, I know you heard that. Yes, Mum, I know there's no way I can have a party when you're not home. Bye, Mum! Bye, Dad. Hey!! His parents both called out to their teen son at the same time. Malachi responded as he waved, appearing to be a model of patience.

"Yes, Mum. Yes, Dad. No, I'm not home alone. I've got Bob, the budgie. Yes, Dad. Now don't drink and drive. BYE!!!"

Malachi dramatically slammed the front door closed firmly. Finally!

"Phew!" he exclaimed, as he collapsed against the front door. Gathering his strength, he pumped his fist in the air, and muttered to himself and grinned.

"Yah, free time! Home alone with the bar fridge." So, he sauntered across to his father's den, where he opened the bar. Grabbing some cans of cold beer, he also snatched up two bottles of bourbon, as he headed upstairs to his room. This scene was his teenage fantasy coming true.

First Malachi turned on his funky music, full volume. He slurped his can of beer, chatting cosily with his budgie, sitting alone in his cage. They were both immune to the volume of the music.

"I'll take care of things, Bob, old budgie. You can rely on me!"

Malachi flaked on his bed, his ears still recovering from his mother's instructions. He started discussing his issues with Bob, always a good listener.

"Why didn't Billy Shakespeare shut the f...,..up? Malachi heaved a desperate sigh, and hurled his tattered and scribbled edition of 'Romeo and Juliet' to the corner of his bedroom. He moaned theatrically, as he drained his beer. Then he closed his digital workload and began to relax.

"Yes, Bob, my old budgie, Billy Shakespeare did it to make teenagers all over the world suffer. We're still in our growth stages, I read that too."

The budgie sat in his cage and contemplated this pearl of wisdom.

Smiling now, pleasantly high, Malachi turned to his bedside table, and opened his first bottle of bourbon. He poured some into a glass, as the loud, throbbing music blared throughout the house. He was really enjoying this now parent free zone.

Malachi suddenly grabbed his phone.

"Hello, phone?" He yelled as he turned down the volume of the music.

"Tiffany, babe, How's my hot chick! Coming over here? Parent free zone!"

Listening intently, he instantly reduced his music volume to zero.

"Wha.....????"

"Say again?????" Malachi heard what his hot chick was saying, but did he did not understand. His girlfriend chatted on, a disembodied voice.

"You're kidding me.......what do you mean, you're dropping me???" He listened again. Then he began to beg.

"Hey, slow down. I'll come over right now. We'll sort it out together, like always."

Then Malachi's anger started to rise, fuelled by the bourbon.

"Whaddya mean, you're going to kill yourself if you ever see me again! Let alone if I touch you?"

Malachi shut up, but still sat there on his bed, listening. But then he was disbelieving. He was growing more upset and becoming furious.

"Extreme.....is there someone else?? I'll smash both your faces in."

Tiffany, on the receiving end of the phone chat, had a few words to say about that!

Then Malachi interrupted. "Whaddya mean, get off your phone?? You rang me, you slag!!"

He abruptly ended the phone call, and had a long drink. He was definitely no longer a happy camper. He began to mumble to his pet, Bob the Budgie.

"Hey, Bob, can you believe that. What did I do? Don't give me any good advice, or nothing. Bob, hey!"

Malachi drained his glass, refilled it. Bob remained silent, enduring, as Malachi gulped more and more booze. Still sipping, he scrolled through his phone.

"Hey, Jarrod's mum, is he home? Whaddya mean, he's on a date with Tiffany? He's my best mate!!"

That ended this call too, then he furiously hurled his phone across the room, where it landed with his tattered, hated copy of Romeo and Juliet. He swore to himself.

"Listen up, Bob, old Budgie. She's so not going to kill herself. She's going Jarrod now. Guess he was by BEST mate!"

Malachi sulkily refilled his glass of bourbon, the bottle level was getting lower. He had another long drink, lying flat on his back to his bed, staring at the ceiling. His discussions with Bob the Budgie continued.

Classic. Juliet's fakebook, blooper. Billy Shakespeare's giant blooper. Now instead, it was true Romeo's fakebook.

"Romeo just didn't have alcohol." The tortured teenager sighed so theatrically. Young Malachi, the new Romeo, turned his music up to maximum volume. The whole house was funky, totally deafening. He really had the tragics now.

"Have a look at me, old Bob the Budgie. Tiffany's dropped me, Jarrod's not my best mate any more. I'm talking to a budgie"

Malachi was slurring, then drowsing, more than a little drunk and inebriated.

The music blared on, vibrating his dark mood. The heavy bass kept pounding through the evening ahead, Malachi had barely passed out by the hour the neighbors phoned the police station to complain about the dreadful noise. One of the sticky beaks next door even called Malachi's mother, who had been enjoying herself at the lovely, tasteful wedding reception. By the time she and his father arrived home with all their house keys, there were the police. One might say that the consequences were nearly as bad as silly Billy Shakespeare's epic teenage tragedy.

Malachi regained his vocal abilities around the same time, continuing his muttering.

"Mum didn't want to grieve when my best pet died. Now I've got no essay, no booze, no girlfriend and no budgie. The bird's stuffed, and so am I. Bloody women!!"

Malachi, suburban tragic drama teenage, was more that stuffed, just like old Bob, the ever silent budgie.