Dear Elly, I'm Sorry

DEAR ELLY, I’M SORRY

She always wanted to see it.

The ocean.

Elly used to dream of what it would be like to smell the salty sea air. Her bedroom consisted of seashells, posters and postcards of palm trees, and white sandy beaches, wondering what it would feel like between her toes.

Is the water cold or warm?

Echoes of Elly’s voice slipped through my mind, sending goosebumps down my arms. “Would you be brave enough to venture out where you can feel the tides pull?” I said aloud, remembering all of her late-night rambling.

I exhaled, drumming my fingers against the steering wheel, listening to the seagulls yelling at one another – the one true sign the end of the land was near. It took fifteen hours straight to get to the end of Alabama. My energy level was now fueled by sweets, coffee, and procrastination ten years in the making. I opened the car door and stretched before adjusting my jean shorts and an orange tank top. The box that sat safely in the passenger’s seat the whole trip awaited its final journey, one that took me so long to find the courage to achieve. 

It was now or never.

The wind blew my hair around my face, tickling my nose. I kicked off my shoes, tossing them through the open car window. The air was salty, just as Elly always wondered if it would be. The waves crashing against the bank beckoned me further, my feet squeaked against the clean, white sand, bringing out a giggle. I hesitated before touching the water, allowing my toes to sink deep down until they reached the coolness below. A smile crossed my face, one for finally experiencing her dream, though this wasn’t exactly how I pictured it.

The beach was secluded. White dunes rolled behind me, seemingly untouched by man. One couple walked hand-in-hand in my direction. I looked down and wiggled my toes, chest starting to tighten. Fear gripped tightly around me, freezing me, refusing to let me proceed. Her voice flowed through my mind, reminding me of her never-ending questions she rambled off within the clutches of sleep.

Do you think the water stays nice and warm down south? 

What happens if we’re attacked by seagulls?

I chuckled. The box remained within my fingers, staying close to my chest. It was no ordinary box – made of walnut, stained dark, black brackets, and black knobs that held it securely together to keep the valuable content safely concealed.  

Enough courage surfaced to take a few more steps, once the couple passed me by. I closed my eyes, listening to each wave approach and then receded. The crashing sounds of their entrances were quickly followed by a quiet return to the sea, stirring up sand and shells. No amount of repeated CD’s could capture the true magic. I opened my eyes to find new shells traveling with each ripple, most broken, just remnants of what once was. One did lay there, soft, pink, unaffected by time and the movement of the currents. 

“What are you waiting for, Billy?” Elly’s voice said through my mind, a sound not yet forgotten – a sound I was not prepared to lose. 

“I don’t know,” I replied out loud, looking up from the shell.

“Chicken.”

“I’m not.” 

“No, you’re not. So why hesitate now?”

I sighed, looking down into my hands, holding the box closer to my chest. “You know why.”

A tear fell, hitting the box, seeping into the wood. I dug my feet into the sand once more, searching for what the sun could not reach. I rubbed my finger along the edges of the box, longing for the courage she always gave me.

Ghost crabs began to emerge from the sand, digging their holes to escape the eager seagulls above. The sun would soon make its descent. I took in a deep breath and moved forward, not stopping until I reached the first wave. Lukewarm water hit my feet with the first wave, sand brushing my ankles as it returned. Just a simple touch calmed my anxious heart, putting a smile on my face. I stood there, feeling each wave pass me by, relishing in the captivating sensation of never wanting to leave. 

“See, not so hard,” Elly’s voice echoed, still close in my subconscious.

“No,” I nervously laughed. “It wasn’t.”

“How is it?”

A tear proceeded down my cheek. “Perfect.”

I ran my hand across the latch, unable to open it, fighting against my thoughts. Why did I come here? Why did I think I could do this now? Maybe I should go back, try again another time, later, much later. Ten years wasn’t enough.

I can’t…

I can’t. I can’t.

“I can’t!” I shouted into the wind, turning to head back to the car.

“Billy!”

I stopped outside of the waves, jaw tightening, trying to hold back a scream. Elly.

“Stop,” Elly’s voice spoke softly, shutting down the doubting voices in my mind before they could take control. “You can do this.”

I fell to my knees, sand sticking where the water grazed. It took a minute to silence the demons inside effectively. Elly helped encourage me to stay active, to stay alive and sane – and I didn’t know how I could do it without her, how I could continue life without her. If I let her go, I would be alone with no one to save me.

I turned towards the sea, watching the sun beginning to send a cascade of red and orange into the horizon. I sat the box into the sand in front of me, keeping it close between my legs. The wind had died down, lightly tossing hair around my shoulders. I pulled out a letter from my back pocket. The years of wear and tear showed. I wrote it for Elly’s funeral but did not read it. I did not speak to anyone that day. They didn’t understand, no matter how much their words tried to leave a soothing impact. I had lost the letter a couple of times over the years, but it seemed to have a way of finding me – and I think I knew how.

Unfolding the paper took concentration, hoping it could withstand one more read. My heart settled, feeling a calming touch – a feeling only experienced with Elly’s presence.

“Dear Elly,” I started, saying the words aloud for the first time. “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what else to say. You were the best big sister I could have ever asked for. Always there when I needed you, having all the advice, and sticking up for me.

“Billy,” Elly whispered.

I pushed her voice aside, trying to hold it together long enough to finish. “I’m sorry for all the mean things I ever said, the fights, the hits, and kicks.”

“That’s what sisters do.”

The flood gates broke with the approach of the final lines. Guilt tore through me, ripping into my chest, hyperventilation taking over, but I had to finish it. 

“It’s...it’s my fault. I ran the car out of gas. Why? Be...because I wanted to see Jason, but I knew it wasn’t allowed. I...I didn’t tell you, didn’t warn you. You were upset with me for wearing your favorite blue sundress, and it slipped my mind. Mom and Dad do not know I am responsible. It’s my fault you ended up on the side of the road. It’s my fault…”

I folded up the paper, wadding it into my hands, clenching my fists tightly together.

I couldn’t.

I remembered everything as I watched the ocean fade away, giving way to the flashes of my mind. Dad rushed home from work to pick me up, only vaguely giving information – the first time I ever saw my father break down. It wasn’t until we reached the hospital did I learn she had pulled to the side of the road, gas tank empty. It was then I discovered a truck had hit her – and we were too late.

You were already gone.

The calming sensation tried to regain control, but the pain would not relinquish. I sat in the sand, feet now completely gone, crying into my elbows resting on my knees. I cried until there were no more tears, allowing myself to grow numb, listening to the sound of the waves, and the gulls calling overhead. My mental capability had become weak over the years, and I no longer knew what strength felt like.

The box moved closer through the sand. Some force seemed to push it into sight, an invisible force I had grown accustomed to. I looked up, expecting to find her face, but all I saw was the endless ocean and a descending sun.

I knew what it meant. I knew what Elly wanted. She had been asking me to do it for some time now. Ever since the first time I heard her voice speak to me, close to my seventeenth birthday, a year after her death. 

Elly wanted to be with the sea.

We made a promise when we were younger. Our very first trip would be together. I at least held to that promise, and I needed to give Elly what she wanted. I shoved the letter into the front pocket of my shorts and picked up the box. The sand still squeaked under my feet as I made my way back toward the sea. The waves had cooled, sending a chill up my legs. I continued, stepping out farther, only stopping once the waves reached my knees, holding firm against the rocking of the tide.

I exhaled before finding one more cleansing breath. “I hear you, Elly.”

I rubbed my fingers across the lid once more before undoing the latch. A sigh escaped my lips, preparing myself for the final moments. My heart skipped a beat as I opened the lid and allowed Elly’s ashes to flow with the air and fall into the ocean. The wind shifted directions, carrying parts of her along the shoreline and out to sea. I closed my eyes, heart lifting freely, taking in the scent of her favorite lotion she always wore, cherry blossom, for the first time in ten years.

 My eyes opened. Elly stood in front of me, almost like looking in a mirror at a younger version of myself. Her long, dirty blond hair swayed with the breeze, blue eyes shining bright. She stood in her favorite white lacy dress, which fell to her knees. She was taller than me by a couple of inches. Her skin tanned easier than mine, leaving it glowing against the sunset. I closed the lid to the box gently, breathing in the feeling of setting her free. 

Elly’s red lips parted into a smile, showing perfectly white teeth. Her blue eyes continued to glisten, accented by winged eyeliner. Her freckles peeked out on her cheeks – not even foundation could ever hide them away.

“It’s so beautiful!” She shouted, turning towards the horizon, allowing the waves to gently push against the back of her knees, the smell of the ocean intensifying.

“You’re free now, Elly,” I said, allowing the tension to melt away, enjoying the moment of seeing her, not just hearing her voice.

“So are you.” She turned and walked towards me, stopping close enough for me to feel her presence. “Let this be over, for good. What happened that day was no one's fault. Why didn’t I check the gas gauge to make sure I had enough? Why didn’t I get off the road? Accidents happen, Billy.” She smiled, her hand brushing my face, leaving the slightest feeling of her touch. “Go home. Talk to mom and dad. They are waiting for you to be a family again. Start your own family, follow a dream, become a vet, fashion designer, wedding planner. I don’t care what the hell it is, just do something -- for you.”

I chuckled, taking in a deep breath. “Only for you.”

Her arms wrapped around me. I could feel her touch and returned the hug, relieved in the ability to cherish her once more.

“That is my final wish.” She pulled away, taking a step back. “I love you, Billy, and always will. We will see each other again, but not for a long time. I’ll wait for you. I promise.”

“I love you, Elly.” 

Elly’s smile broadened as she turned, running and disappearing into the sunset. I stayed there for a few more moments, watching the last of the sun fall below the earth’s horizon. All the regret and guilt of the past ten years melted away, making me feel whole and new. Elly was now free and happy.

Keeping Elly’s words became my next task. Doing it alone took a strength I didn’t know I had. I returned home and spoke to my parents, unleashing all of the guilt I had hidden from them. They embraced me without hesitation, never once knowing her death weighed so much on my heart. That final relief of their love truly set me free, opening all the doors I kept closed. I did return to school, pursued a degree in history, and began the life she so desperately wanted me to start for the past ten years. 

#

I am currently finishing up my Doctorate. Death now shows itself in a new light, and I want to learn what I can from all corners of the world. Releasing Elly still weighs heavily on my mind from time to time, but I know I did the right thing. I no longer hear her voice, but perhaps if I did, I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have now. The letter I wrote is now gone, for I no longer say I’m sorry… 

I stared down at the paper, heart filling with joy as I returned the pen to the notebook.

Dear Elly, I’m happy.

THE END