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American

Was it a lost Opportunity ???

Is there a real answer when options are presented to an individual? What is the risk that’s entailed? What could be the remaining consequences? Well, I guess everyone could be faced with rare prospects opportunities once they are randomly introduced to us. And how will we react to it? Is one foolish enough to dive in without any knowledge of what they’re getting involved with? Is it a form of despair or haste ? Or is a passed opportunity can be forever lost without any possibility of re-occurrence?

The Summer after graduation, I was more enticed with the idea of attaining full time work in a very weak employment market than anything else. Friends had firmly suggested to me that I should go and spend a few weeks travelling in Europe with the added likelihood of perhaps one day meeting a wife during my external learning from the classroom. My apprehension of this assertion had been very low and not subsequently interested for reasons which the accumulated education that I’ve lived through was more promising than this particular inception. Little did I know, there were three employers who had each possessed a copy of my university transcripts where I had been closely interviewed and requested to begin, immediately.

Unknowingly, people around me had noticed a form of physical exhaustion that was surrounding me; friends had again tried to encourage me to take a vacation ever before beginning to work. Most had assumed if I was better rested and fully alert that I could start on the correct foot, so to speak. My fortay had been academics, not sociability when it came to the outside world. Within my past social record, I firmly remember that I could never been able to buy a date, let alone hold a solid topic in conversation with a woman without them having an ulterior motive that was always hidden from me. I’m more of a technical loner than a ’ people person ’. Aware that some human interaction is needed to try in getting one’s point across in order to reach some kind of distinct comprehension and social middle-ground, yet it doesn’t always work that way.

Being difficult is not what I consider myself; ’ cautious ‘ is more like it for me. Besides the facts of viewing others from a distance how they had unruly behaved in their relationships where it lead to obvious separation is caused by greed, bias and stubbornness. Within our modern age of relevance and dangerous influences; most temptations seem never to be either heeded or avoided.

Humanity is now found itself irreversibly stuck in the whole idea of Wide Indulgence where they assumed that they are entitled to everything that’s be presented before them, whether or not that they ever took the time to earn it. Why are all of the foremost available assets should be up for grabs without any dedication or devotion being put behind it. It’s extremely unfair as well as unjustified that a multitude take most things in our existence for granted.

The most insecure popular conclusion is that no one wants to do without and feel like an outcast. Then again, who out there, is willing to make any serious attempts for any drastic changes for humanity to wake up and realize that they are headed into one-way grave with no survivors to bury them.

As being reluctantly stringent as I was about this vague idea, I had received a plenty of encouragement and some financial backing, I had decided why not take a chance to go on a journey like this. It could be the only time that I could have available before I could begin work on permanent basis.

With an itinerary in hand and luggage packed, I was swiftly being whisked away to the airport like an expendable package. Do any these poeple actual care what’s going to happen to me, next? Is it that they care about about helping me keep my sanity? Sometimes, it’s quite difficult to know what’s going on in the mind of others??? Or is it the fact they are falsing assuming that I might be covertly sadden?

Anyway, this became my first European arrival had been in Lisbon, Portugal where I would begin my journey eastward right into Greece, then the return, home. Unknowingly, I found myself beginning to enjoy hearing about the wide history and meeting various people from different places on the tour bus. I had discovered that there was a whole lot more that I was currently learning that one would never hear in a classroom.

Whence my arrival in Barcelona, Spain; I had met an American citizen named: Alicia that I had inadvertently initiated a friendship with her. With both of us being both foreigners travelling in a different country, let alone in an entire diverse continent; we each subconsciously had the notions of metamorphically letting our hair down to fully savour our vacation, together. When it does end; we’ll never see each other, again and hopefully each of us could leave a positive impression behind where enthusiastic memories can be held for one another to happily reminisce. During our time out together visiting extra curricular sites amid the tour’s free periods of relaxation; there was some distinct character feature that she possessed where it became a social nuance or idiom to me that was subtlely getting on my nerves; yet I was unable to readily identify it.

Throughout the rest of our journey, I also got to meet and know everyone else at least once; to discover what kind of people that I was actually interacting with. Many had been very welcoming and there were those few which had been strictly left alone in the abyss of their own little world. Otherwise, when I alone, I was able to take of myself and inform of any data that I was seeking from its' natives. The solitude from others was certainly a very pleasant feeling. Holding the peace of mind and concentrating and appreciating all of the surrounding extrinsic features which I wanted to further learn about.

Within all of the group activities which were occurring with this great journey; I did get to know a little more and learned from others how they think and react towards specific external events, behaviours and philosophies which they were compelled to encounter.

This entire fantastic escapade had become a free and a well- earned education of its’own. I had not only been able to expand upon my social skills, this introduction to foreign cultures had become not only a wide learning experience, yet also an enjoyable one for me. I would not have known any of this, first hand, other than from books and movies. My current thoughts had now become intrigued with further curiosity and I was internally questioning myself - would I do this again???

When finally arriving in the nation of Greece, the group had visited the fascinating and historical towns of Olympia and Athens, as well to mentally soak up what was left in this European trek before everyone was ready to return, home into their separate ways. Once, the evening preparations were being processed for the next morning departure; Alice and I had exchanged addresses and phone numbers before lights out. Not everyone in the group were going to leave from the same airline or the same airport; there were many smaller parties broken down to be sent out in various directions.

Upon the flight home, I was looking forward in going to work and begin making payments to cover all the needed expenses which I had made in Europe as well to think about rent money to be aside and to update my work wardrobe. Once I had arrived home, everyone who had encouraged me to go on this trip; they all wanted to know how much that I enjoyed being with people and visiting sites. Oh yes, the mandatory question had definitely bee asked: Was I able to meet someone special that could be possibly a part of my life.

My endearing response to them was that I did meet up with someone quite pleasant, yet I had never wanted to discuss further of any private details. Intrigued and curious as they were, most people wanted to know if they would one day have the pleasure to meet her. I said ' Maybe '. This specific issue was not a priority in my life, yet my choice of employment was.

After several grueling weeks of re-adjustments which had passed by; I had the chance to make a choice of a job opportunity that was more comfortable to me. Finally , the moment came that I could become quite relieved when I had finally found myself quite settled in a daily routine in my new apartment and acquiring the coping ability of dealing with my new workplace pressures.

One Thursday evening at home, as I was feeling quite rested; I had random thought of calling Alicia to find what was she up to among the last few months. Fortunately, she was home and she was glorious happy to hear from me. It was really surprising how many would want to stay in contact with someone new after an enjoyable excursion. I had invited her to fly in for a weekend holiday and stay with me and she had agreed. Our pleasant conversation had lasted about 35 minutes before we decided to hang up.

My only initial apprehension to see her had been my only thoughts when we exchanged numbers – I for one had been a very different person whose carefree behaviour had utterly relished the fun that I had on the tour. Now, I see myself in regular pace of life where my thinking had been a lot more serious and less entertaining. I had quickly returned to my former habits of living a methodical existence. Once we meet up again, each our of current situations could certainly redefine our characters for reasons our behaviours had become regulated in a normal procedure.

Once the time had finally arrived for me to pick her up at the airport; I became anxiously nervous. An internal fear had now began to haunt me. In my mind, how do I keep her impressed without making an total idiot out of myself. Upon the moment of my terminal entrance, everything around began to collapse. An unforeseen omen had arisen from the despair; it was a feeling that I hoped that would never happen, but it did. It had begun with the difficulty of finding a parking space.

Trying to seek out the foreign arrivals, I found myself at wrong end of the terminal. I had forgotten where the customs vicinity had relocated and then I then heard my name being paged over the loudspeaker. Knowingly, subtle humiliation was certainly out get me, now and there was no turning back. Sadly, I had to often fake my enthusiasm for my bewilderment. Once, I had found her, she was delighted to see me and my first thought was to kiss her as my greeting.

My jacket was able to camouflage the dripping pores in my drenched up armpits. On the drive home, we we're still discussing her flight and we each other did in the past few months. Although, somebody had gotten wind of my current plans of inviting Alicia for the weekend. This is where a few friends of mine had ' just happened ' to drop by. Once, their curiosity had been fulfilled and introductions were made; this short gathering had began to slowly disperse for the evening.

With the next morning arriving very quickly; I had to think about what am I going to do to entertain her, all weekend. As I drove around the city showing some of the historical sites; within her presence, I had become quite aroused when I was listening to hear her conversing speech. Obviously, I had become sexually attracted to this woman and my hesitancy was now interfering by negatively affecting my speech.

This where my nervousness was rendering me to make all of kinds of verbal mistakes; such as not recently informed about the environmental changes which I thought I knew and what should have clearly known. I didn't realize that I had become head over heels for this woman and my inadequacy was damaging my verbal outtakes. My thoughts were caught up in a whirlwind. Mistakes were continuously being unmanageable where I could not do and say anything, correctly, no matter where we went and said.

Alicia had abruptly stopped me in my step and wanted to have conversation with me in order to attempt to know why my behaviour had become unusually awkward with her. I sat there and I wasn't able to give her a straight answer because I was so very ashamed of my embarrassing conduct. It seemed that it I was continuously losing face with her. I was so socially uneasy with her that the fear of outright rejection was becoming quite imminent.

Unfortunately, my self-humiliation was a lingering 'crash & burn' where I knew that I had inadvertently sabotaged a relationship I thought that I wanted. Subconsciously, my mind had furtively known that at that moment I neither mature enough nor was ready to be in a relationship. Ironically, my heart had been foolishly racing with so much angst. I was so eager and trying very hard to impress her and everything had simply backfired. These mixed feelings had certainly became a controversial issue that to be swiftly harnessed with reason.

Well after our unsettling weekend meeting; I had driven her to the airport and I wasn't able to be 'man enough' to admit my true feelings to her, but I did say that I wanted to visit her at hometown; in hopes maybe that I could possibly better open up to her and fully explain my unexpected shame. Once, I saw leave towards the gate; for long time after that I was still quite upset with myself for being so stupid. She must have been very disappointed in me, believing

that I was not the same person in Europe. Also, she must have assumed that I had been a total idiot and utterly wasted her precious time.

Weeks later, this time it was my turn to visit her, I had no idea what to say because I was again, too ashamed of myself. It became the albatross hanging over my head for a very long time where I wasn't able to shake it off. During the time that Alicia had been showing me the sites around her town is what took me off guard, next. She readily had a racist remark when she had witnessed another couple who also enjoying the scenery; they happened to be interracial. My immediate, yet silent reaction to this unforeseen statement, had been that this was absolutely not the way that I was brought up. I was always told to only pass any kind of judgment when someone else strikes out, first.

Upon the time of my departure, we did part ways, amicably. I had also knew that was going the last time that I'll ever see her. Despite each of our own insecurities and discrepancies, I must say that she was a good compatible friend, and yet some would adamantly say to me that 'it was never meant to be'.

Regrettably in my awkward manner of 'angst & stupidity' that I had involuntarily treated her; I still wonder: What If? One day during my present time of happiness, I had decided to write one final letter to her to wish her very well and to the best of my ability; attempt to apologize for my poor behaviour to her and she had certainly deserved better.

At the present moment, the past hold many good memories, yet it has become quite distantly irrelevant. Was I going to be one day forgiven for uncalled caginess? I'll never know. Just as long I tried to make amends, nothing else matters, now. My remaining two questions which were swirling in my mind have always been: Did I dodge a bullet? Could have we been able to make it, work?

October 20, 2021 19:19

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