The Tramp

Dear Adrian,

Today, Johnny told me the juiciest thing. He said that Billy's mother's uncle's daughter in law's brother's wife's mother's sister in law's cousin's son's friend's mother's brother's grandmother overheard something that is going to make you fall off your vine. It's top-secret, so don't tell anyone else.

So there's this old wrinkly tramp. They said he was a raisin. As if. So anyway, he died a few years ago. Rumor says he was eaten! By a wandering raccoon. Thank wine no one else got hurt. So he fell off his vine and rolled away. And he was eaten!

I know right! So absurd. An animal coming all the way here, to the King's Meadow National Park, high up Leoben Peaks, in the obscure countryside village of Port Creek.

I wonder, how did a raccoon, climb all the way up here. There is no way it climbed 600 meters. That's where it gets crazy. So this said raccoon is a trained grape finder. It goes and eats grapes to find and then a human comes and picks them. But how did a dumb human train a raccoon? I wonder that too.

So anyway, if the human found it, then why is the tramp's vine still there? So there goes that idea. Or maybe he rolled far enough that they couldn't find it. I don't know.

So remember Billy's mother's uncle's daughter in law's brother's wife's mother's sister in law's cousin's son's friend's mother's brother's grandmother? So that mother that overheard it has a friend, who is a detective. And he has a theory.

So what he thinks is that the tramp fell off, and then he was dried from the sun. So he became a raisin. Then, a deer found him. The deer was a mother, and she took him to her babies. They were sleeping, and he managed to escape. But he walked right in the path of a squirrel. This squirrel took him up to his tree and stored him. Sadly, he fell off the tree and died.

I still don't know about this one though. It sounds like something out of that horror movie we saw yesterday at Infinity Theater. Or was that Star Wars. I don't remember. Anyway, that sounds like gossip. I don't trust it.

Johnny has his own theory. So the tramp has so sad that he was old, wrinkly, and a raisin, that he committed suicide! I know, what a terrible thought! So, he decided to jump, and he did. Doing so, he broke his stem and got eaten. Personally, I think this is very far-fetched. I don’t think he would ever do this.

So Billy has another idea.  He thinks that the tramp was secretly an agent for the DBI (Dates Bureau of Investigation). Dates are our worst enemy. He thinks that the tramp was secretly gathering information. Now, he has run away. That’s what Billy thinks. I just think he’s been watching too many Grapes Bond 007 movies. 

I doubt any of this matters. He might have just rotted and fallen off. All of this is just bogus. They just want to create some fuss. Just like they did when they said that we were all going to get picked and forced all of us to hide in the trees. That turned out okay though, we got a nice new home. I was sick of the ground. We never got wet when it rained. I missed out on jumping in puddles that year. And we would never get sun or shade. When we wanted to sunbath, we would be covered by a tree. And when we wanted to sleep, the sun would be in our faces. I like our new home.

But remember that time that mother told us about when her Pop-Pop had to live underground because of the so-called road that was going to be built over the road. That must have been a big pain in the butt. But we had lots of fun exploring all the holes.

I miss the good old days when you were back here. I wish you didn't need to go find us a new home. Fine... If you really want to know my thoughts, here it is.

So what I think happened is complicated. So when he was a kid, he got bullied for living way out on South Rinehart Vine. That was his house. I don't know if you know but that is on the poor side of town. He tested into the Gifted School, which really happened. All the other rich kids made fun of him.

It got to a point where he was suicidal. He jumped off and was just wandering through the woods. Then, a date found him. They made him his friend. After a while with them, he felt normal again. Then, what happened is that he tried to repay them. He became part of the DBI.

Then, he started taking info about us grapes. He kept this up until he was old. He decided to take it all at once. He was going there, but he was spotted by one grape. After he took it, he came back and blackmailed the grape who saw him to not say anything. I think that person was probably another person from South Rineheart Vine. I think he bribed him. So it must have been someone who went from South Rineheart Lane to Oakheart Hill Vine.

And the only person who did so after Lady Eva Lyons was Dr. Ben Knight. I know he is filthy rich, but how did he get so rich? One day, he was poor, next he bought a house on the richest vine in town.

So what I think happened next is that the dates sent him a letter. Someone else saw the letter and got suspicious. Then, to remove any suspicion, he decided to fake his death. So he started rumors about how he died, and then he left under the cover of night. I think that he went to the dates, where he still is.

You might think that I am crazy, but I’m not. I have proof. I have his diary, from which I read everything and I came here and wrote it down and told you. Please do not tell anyone else. I would like to keep it a secret. Brother, you were the only one I could trust with this. Please, for my life, please keep this a secret. 

Sincerely,

Daniel Moore