FireFlies

When I was little I loved chasing after fireflies. Capturing them in mason jars and then using them as lanterns. They were magical. And even years later when I see one I'm taken back to those childhood days. Then I look at you. My very own firefly. You by far the most magical one of all. And to think I get to call you my son. But you remind me of these fireflies not only because of their beauty but because you too are fleeting, and not easy to catch. Yet I took chase anyway. Always hoping one day you will let me hold you. 

It has not always been easy being your mother and at times other people dont know what to make of you and I would become disenhearted. Not at you but at them and their quickness to judge. They look at you and think they know who and what you are. It makes me angry and sad, an almost poisonous mixture of grief us mothers with children who are special have to live with. And you have to learn a different way of living or trust me it will tear down any shelter in the storm you build. I had to realize that most people are simply uninformed and unlike them I cannot judge them for how they react to my son. But when I see others looking as you stand there unable to make those beautiful green blue eyes look into theirs I feel your pain. When you begin to shuffle your weight back and forth between your feet I feel your nervousness. And when I see my blonde headed boy begins to pace the room looking for the door I know you are about to run. I feel your fear. I even run after you. Feeling like I am in a race and it is one I will never win. I'm thinking of what I'm going to say to you but the right words escape me. And I feel so inadequate as your mother in that moment it nearly takes my breath away. Because I know by the time I reach you I will surely say all the wrong things and only escalate the situation further. Till both of us are so frustrated that we want as much space from each other that we can get. But truthfully that breaks my heart. More space from you is the very last thing I want but I cant seem to make you understand that. 

When what I really want to tell you is that it is okay that you are not like everyone else. That you, my firefly, just glow a different color than them. But to me you will always glow the most beautiful light I have ever seen. But for some reason I cant seem to express this to you and instead silence hangs between us. And again I fear I have failed you as a mother. But I know I will learn, better late than never. Because love doesn't guarntee we won't make mistakes.

But I hope you do know that there are so many things that you do that I adore. That I love because they are who you are. The way you ramble on about the things you love. How you know every detail of them by heart so as you recite them to me, it is truly like listening to a lullaby. See my darling boy, I am so enamored of your intelligence. That I marvel at all the stuff you know and I would tell anyone that you most certainly did not get it from me. 

And yes, you have your daily rituals and I learned not to go smashing into your world without having knocked first. I ask if I can sit next to you. I even ask if I can talk to you. I know others have no way of understanding why a mother would do that with their child. But you and I know, dont we? Sometimes I'm greeted with smiles and conversations and I cherish those times. But then there are the times I'm met with complete silence or a closed door. But what hurts the most is when you pull away from me when I try to touch you. And even though I know why you do this, It stings the same. Because I ache to hold you in my arms. But in order to be in your world there are adjustments that have to be made. This I know and gladly do so. 

Sometimes I wonder if you know that I think I'm the luckiest mom. Sure we started off rather rocky and in my inexperience it held me back from doing what my heart was telling me to do. Which was to love you as you were - as you are. And now, somehow in doing just that I have managed to catch the most beautiful firefly ever. Maybe that is stupid of me to say because people are not meant to be captured. But watching you become the man you are today I truly feel every moment you let me sit next to you, touch you, and everytime you glanced at me it feels like I have finally captured that firefly. The one I have been chasing for a lifetime. And even when it was a fleeting moment it was still a great moment, because it had to do with you. 

Its foolish to let others tell us who we are. I wish I would of told you that back when you doubted who you were. But what I can tell you now is this.... You dont glow a different color, my firefly. Its that you shine the brightest and it just took my eyes - everyone's eyes awhile to adjust. But now, my son I clearly can see you for what you are and that is....

A boy grown into a man, 

Who lives with his asperger syndrome 

And does so beautifully.