Contest #37 winner 🏆

177 comments

Mystery

This is a story about the man who wants to kill you. I have my doubts, not about the man or about the story, but about you. I fear I do all this for nothing.

Listen: I would scream if I had a mouth. I have a story. So that is what I will use.

You have seen him before. He might as well live in your periphery. He is tall and seems to carry his weight in his chest and shoulders. He has a narrow waist and legs that taper down to small leather shoes. 

Not that you've noticed any of this before. You've been distracted, haven't you? If I told you this same man walked by your home every day, paused to peer into your window, you wouldn't want to believe me. But you couldn't say for certain that I'm wrong.

I'm not wrong. 

He might be very close right now. He might even be in your house. After all, there are so many excellent hiding places, aren't there? The back of a closet, behind the shower curtain, inside a cabinet…

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I promised you a story. And perhaps we still have time for it.

Understand: This man is not from your time. Spare me your disbelief. There are things beyond your comprehension. You are too old to think you know the universe.

Twenty years from now, this man lives on the coast with his five-year-old daughter. Their house, a patchwork creation of driftwood and corrugated metal, clings to the side of a rocky cliff. When the tide crashes in, the salt spray splashes against the windows. The sky is the color of steel, and the water is foam-flecked black. 

Everything is cold, harsh, and wet—except for inside the house. Warm yellow light spills out from a window, and a steady finger of smoke curls up from a slanted chimney.

Inside, the man reads to his daughter. He sits in a faded orange armchair by the fire, and she lays on her stomach in front of him, alternating her focus on the flames and the pages turning in her father's hands. 

"When you finish this story, can you read another?" 

He makes a show of looking at half the book that's still remaining and then looking back at her. "Already tired of this one?"

She shakes her head. "No, I just don't want this one to be over. I don't want them to ever end."

He smiles and agrees, even though he knows she'll be asleep long before he'll have to pick out a new book. He knows how she feels. He doesn't want any of this to be over. He wants to hold onto every second, close his fingers around them and keep them safe, keep them from marching on.

And it is at that moment that everything goes white—a blast of blinding light that disintegrates the scene into dust—and then fades.

When the man comes to, he is wedged into the cliff's face, soaked, hanging a few feet above the waves. Above him, the remains of his house: a couple stumpy wooden beams and one amputated orange limb of his armchair. Below him, inky black ocean.

His daughter is gone. He will search for her for a long, long time. 

What he finally finds is not what he is looking for. He discovers a way to go back. But innovation is never as neat as any of us would like. He can only travel back a set number of years, way before his daughter is born.

So before he goes back, he does his homework. He researches. He spends hours in the archives of war museums, flipping through files, searching for someone new.

Searching for you.

And then he makes the leap, jumps back a few decades, emerges the same, if a little nauseous for a spell, into a world transformed. The colors seem brighter here, the smiles wider, flashing ferociously, the eyes emptier and hungrier.

But of course that's what he would see. Him, an interloper. Here, a brave old world.

On his third day back, he finds you, speaks to you. He asks you for the time. His hands are trembling; his eyes never leave yours. Do you remember? It was a year or so ago. 

Your paths keep crossing, but he gets more cautious, becomes a flickering shadow, in and out of the corners of your life. Waiting. Watching.

So where is he now? Soon you might know better than me. 

He is tightening his resolve now, like a noose. 

Listen: You killed this man’s daughter. Not yet, not now. Twenty years in the future. Will it make you feel better if I say it was for a “cause”? Or for the “greater good”? It’s true. At least it’s true that you’ll tell yourself that when the time comes.

I understand you are not a killer. Neither is this man with the wide shoulders and tiny shoes who may be in your house right now. But the years change us. Stories change us. You will be protecting your family, your friends, when you send bombs across the sea. And he thinks, by killing you, he’ll be avenging the memory of his daughter.

Maybe you still don’t believe me. But think: Is there a limit to what you would do for love? Is any price too high to pay? You will have an answer for that soon, in the trying years ahead, whether you can face it now or not.

You two are very similar. Do you find that interesting? Relevant? Perhaps not. You both love words and tales and the drama, mystery, and madness of being alive. 

See: His story is partly your story, too. 

But no more of this. I fear it may be too late, and I’ve done all I can. Please, listen

Not to me.

A sound. Can you hear it? It’s inside your home. Maybe the creak of a door or a soft muffled step on the carpet. Or a shallow inhale of breath that’s not yours...

He is there, right now. Do not run. Do not call for help.

Remember the story. He doesn’t want this one to end, not like this—and not deep down, not where it counts. Do you? 

The shadow in the corner. It’s not a shadow.

Okay. Your move.

April 15, 2020 02:39

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177 comments

15:38 May 15, 2020

Okay, wow. This is bloody brilliant telling. I enjoyed it very much :)

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14:04 May 14, 2020

Oh, man, this was beautiful. This deserved all the wins. Absolutely beautiful writing. I got chills.

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17:13 May 12, 2020

The second I read the first line, I had chills all over. Luckily I read this during the day, and my parents were just downstairs. I would love to read more of your works! I think that you did great with the second person, and if you would read my story, Roots, and give me feedback, that would be great! Keep writing! -Brooke

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Pranita Dhungana
15:23 May 11, 2020

Omy! What a chilling read. Amazingly written, and more than worthy of the win. Congratulations, Hayley! Look forward to reading more from you.

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Kathleen March
01:46 May 10, 2020

Nice, nice pace. Nicely uncluttered, which moves the story along.

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Alton Rook
02:23 May 08, 2020

I loved this. The lines 'You are too old to think you know the universe.' 'Brave old world' 'I have a story' brought a smile to my face. I loved the fact that you show that all decisions have consequences, and also that the protagonist was given a chance to make things right or change the future. I suppose that's what you were going for?

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Trevor Pence
18:22 May 07, 2020

oh my god zilla babbitt commented on your story!!! your so lucky!!

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Farai Mambiri
01:00 May 06, 2020

A rich source of satire,well done!

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Ayden Spisak
22:36 May 05, 2020

This is amazing!! It gave me some chills, not even gonna lie! Great work!

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John Del Rio
17:22 May 02, 2020

wonderful read. i like the theme of doing something not necessarily because you want to; but maybe because you need to. and the sadness on both ends. will keep reading your work.

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Rajvee Shah
11:55 May 02, 2020

Hey there! I found this story both frightening and very intriguing. Love your style of narrative as well as the start and the end points which led to a perfect packed thriller short story. I just started out in this amazing community and yours is among the very first stories I read for ideas and inspiration. So thank you so very much. Keep up the amazing work.

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Tanya K
04:24 May 02, 2020

Wow, I am absolutely mind blown with this story. It was one of the most chilling yet deeply insightful stories I have read. Keep up the good work- looking forward for more of your tales :)

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Naomi Nielsen
00:17 May 02, 2020

This is such a good story, I love the way you ended it!

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Paige Turner
15:21 May 01, 2020

Wow! I loved your story, it totally deserved the win! I like how you incorporated both second person (which you nailed!) and first as well as making it totally suspenseful! Truly amazingly wonderful job!

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Alexa Dahl
14:07 May 01, 2020

Turn this into a book my goodness! It's full of emotion, sadness for the man yet, in the beginning, were he was with his daughter there was a spark of happiness and that spark formed into fear. Your move is the part that left me thinking what I would do it's like a series of events that never end and gives the reader a taste of a decision that could impact the way one comprehends the book. Very impressive and I do look forward to reading more of your stories,

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Ginger L.
11:43 Apr 30, 2020

this is such a good story!!!! You have such a gift with words and I can't wait to see what else you write! Great job!!

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Emma McCabe
14:14 Apr 29, 2020

I am new to this site so I have been reading some of the stories and can I just say this was my favorite there are so many talented writers on here and your story was just absolutely wonderfully written with the use of 1st and 2nd person it had a magnificent effect you couldn't deserve to win more!

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Qasim Ali
12:37 Apr 29, 2020

Your opening lines were great it kind of told the reader what the story was going to be about. As I read this story i was scared to death. I went to sleep after I read this story and after I fell asleep I soon got nightmares about almost the same exact thing as your story. Great Job, keep up the great work Hayley:)

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Angel Ahuja
01:25 Apr 29, 2020

I wonder if I will ever be as good as you in writing. alas, as I am only 12, a girl can dream. Keep up the good work and know that somewhere, in the mass of our rock of horrors, a girl is rooting for you.

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Selene Nyxen
23:53 Apr 28, 2020

This was a great story. I felt myself looking around my room and listening intently as I read as if I expected someone to appear. I love that you kept the reader's attention by asking pertinent questions as you told the story. It definitely made it easier to put myself into the story as if I was seeing and experiencing it for myself.

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