Red. Not Black.

Swaddled in three layers of filthy plump blankets, I lay there, my thoughts shattered into slick glass pieces of the universe. The faucet in the background is dripping sullen water that drums to the beat of my dead, foolish heart. 

“drip….drip” said the faucet

“shut up.” said my shattered thoughts

I don’t know how long I stayed there, dry crust forming at the end of my eye—an occasional tear dancing down my ugly face. 

“drip….drip,” said the faucet

“shut up.” said my shattered thoughts

“DING DONG” went the doorbell.

shut u-

“DING DONG”

i said..shut the f-

“DINGDONGDINGDONGDINGDONG”

Then, I could hear the splinters of wood escaping from the grubby door as someone shamelessly pounded on it like it was a drum. The chorus of dingdong’s and proud knocks echoed in my head, its energy pulsing down to my feet. Almost sobbing, I get out of bed and open the door for the pesky unwanted visitor. 

It was Finn.

“Hey hey hey~ wOW you look like a mess! Let’s get you fixed up because you need to be looking extra sharp and snazzy.”

“Finn, no. I just want to be alone right no-”

“Ohoho. N-O- NO, you don’t. We’re gonna get you primed and shined. Hey, where’s that white T-shirt you had with the-”

“Finn-”

“OH, Here it is! Put this on, boy. Comb your hai-”

“Finn, n-”

Finn grabbed me by the shoulders and shoved me into a chair like I was some rag doll. Spinning me around a couple of times, my eyes wandered into the back of my head, bright stars illuminating the possibility of vertigo. Finn stopped the moving chair suddenly, and right to work he went. He brushed my unkempt greasy hair, slowly cutting the uneven sides into a more polished look. He untangled the wild knots, washed my pathetic face, and cut my jagged fingernails. I cringed in embarrassment, having Finn see the aftereffects of staying locked in the comfort of my blankets for nearly 2 weeks. But Finn made no snarky comment or uncomfortable look. He just kept humming the tune of “You are my Sunshine” and continued working. 

Touched by his friendship, sadness and happiness gathered in my left eye, a small tear slowly forming. The dirty tear made my vision partially pathetic; all of my surroundings turned into sluggish blobs. I blinked rapidly, forcing the tear to race down my face. I thought about how Finn came after not hearing from me for weeks and helped me with a smile. I thought about how I stayed there in my room, drowning in the heartsick air. I thought about how she said goodbye and walked away. 

All this thinking made my eyes drip with bitter but silent tears. I kept thinking and thinking. 

her cherry kissed lips                     drown air 

         passion

                                                  nothing 

Oh, she was so perfect. Skin like the color of old dry pages in a book, but smooth at your fingertips. Black eyes, the kind you would see in a nightmare. But boy, she made everything feel like a good dream. I still remember the last words Juliet said to me a month ago before she walked away and left me in torn shreds.

“Arthur...listen. I’ve had fun in our relationship, and I really think you’re a sweet boy. But...I think it’s time we move in different ways. I think you’ve become too dependent on me. I always make decisions for you, to the point where you don’t eat anything unless I tell you to. Just the other day, you called me over fifteen times because you didn’t know what color shirt to get and you wanted me to choose… I don’t want to take away your freedom. I think you and me should keep our distance.” 

Distance. What a funny word. 

She stood up and walked away with elegance and pity. Her heels clicked against the dirty sidewalk covered in dry gum stains and cigarette butts. The clicking sounds faded away eventually, yet they echoed in my throbbing brain for weeks. I stayed in my ghost-filled apartment after that, living off of ramen cups and rusty tap water. Protected by the layers of snotty blankets, I was ashamed to answer any phone calls from loved ones and friends. 

Juliet was right. I had become too dependent on her. I couldn’t make decisions on my own. Hell, here I am being taken care of like a baby because I ghosted everyone for two weeks. I couldn’t even leave the house. My sense of independence slowly melted away into a brackish puddle….

It wasn’t my fault!

She was my first relationship, and I didn’t want to screw things up. I was only trying my best and-

click whrrrrrrrrr pop

Pulled out of my miserable thoughts, I look up to see what the noise was. Finn stood there with a big grin on his face, aiming his polaroid camera at me. I hadn’t realized he was finished; I looked at him with a blank face. He handed me the developing photo. 

“Hey, go change. We’re leaving in five minutes.” Finn said as he swept the floor.

“Huh? Finn, no. I appreciate what you did for me today, but I’m not go-”

“You’re welcome. I’ll be in the car. Come out when you’re ready.”

Before I could clarify what I meant, he hopped out of my messy apartment. I could hear his car engine turn on after a minute, the congested sound of the radio humming along with it. I walked towards my bed, my clothes already laid out….

THUD

I closed the car door, picking at my cut fingernails.

“Finally. Knew you would come.”

I stared at my old shoes, not wanting to make any eye contact with Finn. We drove off to god knows where, wherever we wanted to be. We put the top down, wind blasting into my face with such gusto that I couldn’t help but smile. Gliding down that highway, it was the first time I forgot about her for a second. 

Juliet I finally did it! I think I’m moving on!

I giggled in delight. Finn continued driving with a smirk on his face, occasionally showing a full smile. The wind and my smile numbed my heartbreak pain. It felt good.

* * * * * * *

The plastic taste of the mall entered my nose as Finn half skipped half dragged me through the entrance. I usually never went shopping, so this was somewhat of a new experience. 

“Hey, Arthur! Take a look at this shirt!”

I looked up and saw Finn holding a punk graphic T-shirt. It wasn’t my style, but it was still pretty cool. 

“I’ll buy it for you! My treat,” Finn said as he examined the fabric, “Hey, which color do you want? Red or black?”

I instinctively reached for my phone in my pocket to call Juliet and ask her which color I should get. But then remembered that this was one of the reasons she left in the first place. My lump swelled in my throat and tears began to form in my eyes. A single blink could make a whole hoard of teardrops race down my face, so I remained very still. I sighed, looking back up at Finn. 

Juliet’s favorite color is black. 

“....I’ll take the red one. Red. Not Black.”