Confrontation with doubt - looking for God

Time’s a wasting, Jacob said to himself as he took the compass from his backpack to confirm his direction. He was pleased that he would eventually travel on the Road of Islam.

The Road of Islam presented a significant challenge to Jacob. It was as large as Christianity’s, but he was not as familiar with the Islamic faith. What little he knew concerned him.

As experienced by millions of others, Islamic Fundamentalism had been thrust upon him on September 11, 2001, when three thousand people were killed in New York City by a group of Islamic terrorists who flew two commercial planes into the World Trade Center.

The event continued to haunt him. He remained baffled why religious fanatics believe Allah, the same God worshiped by Christians and Jews, blessed the atrocity that killed innocent Muslims, Jews, Christians, and countless others. He had to locate God for the answer.

Several hours passed before Jacob felt comfortable on the path he now traveled toward Islam. The people were gracious in passing. Some waved, but mostly they remained focused on whatever it was they were doing. He was relieved that it did not seem to be another path of fundamentalism.

Despite the pleasant atmosphere, Jacob had an unusual feeling that something was different. There was nothing specific he could put his finger on, just one of those intuitive feelings, he guessed.

But why? He knew he was heading in the right direction, but then realized he had not seen a name for the path he was traveling. He decided it was a good time to stop to get something to eat. Then he could verify the name of the street, and determine if it was one of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, or all three.

The tavern was like many others. Inside was a full bar encircled by high-backed stools, where a few very loyal patrons sat, with a modest dining room near to the bar. Jacob chose a stool at the bar that gave him the best view of the lounge, and the capability to keep his back to the wall—an old combat habit he got in the Marines to insure no one could creep up behind him.

He ordered a draft beer from the melancholy bartender and looked around to see if anyone appeared, as if they wanted to talk. One man appeared friendly and approachable. He was dressed in a blue suit, sitting alone at a table, and reading an economic newspaper.

“Excuse me, Sir, I don’t mean to interrupt you, but I’ve been traveling east from The Road of Christianity toward The Road of Islam, and I was wondering if you had a few minutes to answer a few questions? I’m hoping to verify I’m on the proper path that will take me to the Road of Islam. Also, to understand the beliefs of the folks along this passage.”

“Beliefs?” the man replied, folding his paper and putting it on the far end of the table.

He stared at Jacob and asked, “What kind of beliefs are you referring to?”

Without waiting for Jacob to answer, he continued. “Regardless, I have time to talk about anything you’d like. I’m not sure, however, ‘belief’ is the operative term here.” Jacob did not know what the man’s remarks were leading to, but he had certainly chosen a guy who craved to talk.

The man motioned for Jacob to join him. As he did, the man removed his suit jacket and placed it on the back of the chair beside him. Great, Jacob thought, this is going to be an interesting conversation. He hoped, however, what appeared to be the man’s fascination with his own intellect would not interfere with them having an open conversation.

Jacob learned the man’s name was Arnold Robust, and he enjoyed talking to pilgrims. Jacob summarized his quest to find God. Arnold did not look surprised, which made Jacob wonder if he may have made the same journey or heard the same story many times before.

“You’re heading in the ideal direction to come to The Road of Islam. It’s about two days from here.” Damn, Jacob thought. It looked a lot closer than that. Arnold continued and asked; “When you arrive at there, what are you hoping to find?”

“I want to know if it’s the road to finding God,” Jacob answered. Thinking he had already described this to Arnold.

“What if it is not the road to travel? What if there is no God?” Arnold asked, deliberately emphasizing each phrase and watching Jacob’s expressions.

Jacob told him, “No, God’ was not a choice for him. He wanted to trust God existed and just needed to find the true path to reach Him.

“But what if there is no God?” Arnold repeated. “What if you find there is no evidence God exists anywhere and the only life you have is the one you are living today? What if?”

“What if what, Arnold?” Jacob interrupted. “What if there is no God, and I find the only life we have begins at birth, and ends with death? I’ve told you I have chosen to believe there is a God.”

“Why?” Arnold asked, with a slight smirk on his face.

“I told you. I’m on a quest to find Him to answer my questions. Until I find otherwise, my belief is God exists.”

“No, no, Jacob,” Arnold responded firmly. “What you are telling me is that you know there is a God and simply need to identify which path will take you to Him. My question to you has been, how do you know there is a God? Because, if there is no God, then it doesn’t matter which path you take, does it?”

Jacob knew Arnold was seeking to lead the objective of the conversation, and responded, “I’m short on time, so may I please ask you something else, before we get sidetracked by the mysteries of life? Please tell me the name of the path I am on. I’ve seen no road signs, it’s not on my maps, and frankly, I’m not sure it pertains to my quest at all.”

Arnold paused before answering Jacob’s question.

“Jacob, I’ve challenged you with my questions about God, because I’ve walked across the same roads you travel now. Most people you meet on this path have also crossed many of the same roads, and each of them became lost within the chaos of morality.

You asked me several times for the name of the path you now travel, but those of us who live here have concluded it does not truly need a name. This is not because it is less of a path than the others. It often appears less traveled, yet more and more travelers join us every day, because we respect simply the rational truth.”

Jacob still did not know where Arnold was heading with his comments, but he let him go on without interruption.

“If we named the path, Jacob, chances are you and others would not cross here for fear of being tainted by the philosophy of our views. Unlike you, we are not hindered by the unsettled questions of faith, doubt, and confusion to what is the real truth. The difference between us is that we do not share your conviction in God. This does not make us bad people, since no group is all good or all bad. To this end, we are not like followers of any religious denomination.”

“But you have some sort of belief?” Jacob asked earnestly. After all, he still had no clear answer to the name of the path he was on.

Arnold noticed the unrest in Jacob’s voice and responded serenely.

“Our belief, Jacob, is in today and in pure reason. Each day is lived with the awareness there may not be a tomorrow. If I had to refer to the path you are traveling, I suppose I would call it The Path of…”

“Wait!” Jacob interrupted. “Am I on The Path of Atheists? Is that why you didn’t tell me its name sooner?” Jacob was not mad at Arnold; he was furious with himself for not recognizing the path before he took part in a discussion.

“I know the position you’re in,” Arnold said, “and, as I mentioned to you earlier, many of us have wandered the same roads you travel now, and have reached the opinion our path is as good, if not better, than those of religion.

We consider it is the Road of Existence and Reality, not the Road of Disbelief. Our belief is in today, and through random chance, tomorrow. We do not believe in life after death or God. What happens to us in this life is entirely by chance and subject to the laws of logic. Our simple world is in constant chaos, and the happenstances of our lives are random, not programmed by miraculous intervention.”

“How can you believe that?” Jacob asked sarcastically. “Just hearing you talk makes me feel of a lonely and sad existence. How are you so sure there’s no God or hereafter?”

“For one reason, the scriptural myths are not logical!” Arnold snapped. “Come on, Jacob, you’re a smart guy. Is there really any logic to the fantasies and contradictions religions expect you to accept?”

“Arnold,” Jacob argued, “you’re viewing the world from what you hold is logical. Do you really assume humans are the most intelligent essence in the universe? Today’s logic is superseded by tomorrow’s discoveries. Why do you think you have the power to understand what life and the universe hold for us?”

“That was a religious answer, Jacob.” Arnold answered. “Yes, our practice may seem lonely to outsiders, but do you believe in God and Heaven because you don’t want to be alone? Or because you fear the alternative—life on earth is simple, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, period!”

Arnold was on a roll, but Jacob blocked out what he was saying. Nothing Arnold said was new to Jacob. The doubt, confusion, and inability to prove empirically the foundation of his beliefs had been a private conflict throughout his life. More troubling were the answers he’d been given—‘because it is written,‘ or ‘I believe there is a God, therefore you should accept God.’ The toughest of all, was after a horrific tragedy that ‘God works in mysterious ways.’ Jacob never adopted these ambiguous claims, nor was he going to use them to oppose Arnold’s philosophy.

Jacob went on the offensive. “You speak against religion, but as an Atheist, you hold your ideology as sacred as any religion. Your religion simply does not believe in God!”

Arnold snapped back, “We are not a religion!”

Jacob did not back down and quickly stated. “As an Atheist you can’t deny your mission. It is not to live harmoniously within your own beliefs; it is to convert people to your way of believing. You look at those who do not share your theories as ignorant. You pursue conversion to limited human logic the same way Christians and Muslims pursue converts to God.”

“But you never hear us attributing senseless wars and massacres to a God!” Arnold assertively responded.”

Jacob knew the conversation was approaching a dead-end, as clashes of religion and politics usually do. He shifted the discussion towards a conclusion.

“I don’t answer for everyone, Arnold, but I choose to believe there is a higher essence than humanity. The problem I have with atheists and religious fundamentalists is their absolute conviction they are right, and everyone else is wrong.”

“But don’t all religions do the same thing, Jacob?” Arnold asked.

Jacob did not answer Arnold’s question. In his own manner, Jacob felt Arnold was searching for answers to the similar questions. Both were probing for the truth, but defending their own convictions. Without proof, the only position they had was what they had wanted to believe.

Jacob was disheartened and tired of quarreling over questions neither had the answers to. Neither Arnold nor science can explain where the sole atom of energy came from that generated the ‘Big Bang’. Or what produced the barren void we call space, that the ‘Big Bang’ erupted into. More speculation, he thought. He had to find God. Only then would he have the absolute answers.

Jacob rose calmly from his seat and politely excused himself from further conversation. Arnold shook Jacob’s hand and thanked him for his perspective.

As Jacob started to leave, Arnold said in a loud, yet sincere voice.

“Thank you, Jacob. If you find proof God exists, please come back and tell me!” The other Atheists at the bar chuckled, but Jacob had a feeling Arnold was not joking.

Outside, Jacob headed directly toward The Road of Islam, determined he would not stop until he reached it.

Reflecting on their conversation, Jacob hoped he hadn’t been too rude to Arnold. After all, he was a man of convictions who tried to convey why his beliefs were the logical truth. More troubling to Jacob was that he was judgmental to Arnold’s beliefs. He didn’t listen or want to understand. It was as if his preconceived convictions blocked out open discussion, or acceptance of differing views.

He wondered; is there really only one way to believe?