Each Side of the Bars

“Oh for pity’s sake, Jim. What are you in for this time?”

“Save your pity, Matt. It’s nothing-”

“You don’t get thrown in a police cell for nothing.”

“-nothing serious. Let me finish will you? Geez, you never change. Apart from your suits- pinstripe now? For real?”

“I’m not here to talk about my wardrobe with you.”

“Can you talk to someone about it then? Does Alicia really let you leave the house like that?”

“… We’re not living together. Not at the moment.”

“Oh damn. Hey, I’m sorry mate. Is she… is she still talking about divorce then?”

“Yeah. Counselling hasn’t been going so well. Apparently I’m still not trying hard enough.”

“But you do still love her. Don’t you?”

“’Course I do Jim. Till death do us part I said, remember? And I for one damn well meant it.”

“Hey, I remember man. She looked like an angel that day.”

“She always looks like an angel.”

“You, on the other hand, looked like you’d just been scraped out the gutter-”

“And who’s damn fault was that? The idiot best man who thought it'd be great to stay out drinking till 6am.”

“Heh. Well, you were the damn fool who chose me as best man.”

“Who else was it gonna be? I’m just glad you stay out the nick long enough to turn up.”

“Anything for you. How’s Lucy coping? With you and Alicia, I mean.”

“She’s said she’s gonna live with Alicia. Doesn’t want anything to do with me. I’m the scum of the earth, apparently.”

“Hey, don’t take it personally mate. You know what teenagers are like. Least she’s better than we were.”

“That’s hardly a high bar now is it? All she’s gotta do is not get caught stealing.”

“Aw man, we were terrible at not getting caught. It’s a wonder they let you into law school at all.”

“That’s only cos the coppers round our way never bothered with the damn paperwork. Do you know how many times we were actually officially cautioned?”

“Hundreds of times, surely? It felt like hundreds of times. And damn if your mother didn’t scream at you every time the cops brought us home.”

“A serious guess, Jim. How many counts of stealing are on our records? From our childhoods that is. I know you’re still adding to your collection.”

“Thirty? Thirty-five?”

“One.”

“Seriously? One? Ah, sh- There goes all my street cred.”

“Oh, don’t worry. Everything after the age of sixteen has been added to your record.”

“Phew. That’s a relief.”

“No it isn’t mate. This isn’t a game any more Jim. This is serious, real life. You won’t just get a slap on the wrists any more-”

“You think I don’t know that? I’m the one who’s done time. Don’t you dare start preaching to me, law boy.”

“Are you trying to get yourself more time? Why the hell are you still doing this?”

“What else is there?”

“Find a job!”

“People don’t hire criminals, Matt.”

“How many times have I said, I’ll give you a reference. Hell, I could give you a job if you want. Pay ain’t much but-”

“I ain’t gonna bring you down with me. There’s no need for your reputation to get tarred by mine.”

“And yet you still call me every time you get arrested.”

“Hey, I’m paying you ain’t I? Gotta be one of your best clients by now.”

“Whatever.”

“Oh come one mate. Look at you. You’re running your own practise now. That’s awesome.”

“Huh. At least someone thinks it is.”

“I mean, it’s not supposed to be a grooming field-”

“That wasn’t- gah. That wasn’t what happened Jim.”

“I know. Sorry. Just a cheap joke.”

“Too cheap mate. There’s a line.”

“Sorry Matt.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just… it’d be nice if some part of my life started coming together, you know? If you could go straight for just, I don’t know, a year?”

“Would that really mean so much to you?”

“To not see my best mate in jail? Course it would. All the more so now I’m living alone. We could get drunk, like the old days.”

“In the old days we used to get drunk on street corners though.”

“Okay, so not entirely like the old days.”

“You were such a bad influence on me Matt.”

“Why are you blaming me? You were the first one who said we should stealing something!”

“No I didn’t!”

“Well… honestly Jim? After all this time I can’t remember.”

“Hardly surprising though is it? We were, what, nine? Ten?”

“Something ridiculous like that. Pretty sure that wasn’t what our parents planned when we met at nursery.”

“Ah, all the dreams they had for us, Jim.”

“You’re not doing too bad. You’re on that side of the bars at least. World’s gotta look a bit more shiny out there than it does in here.”

“Hmm.”

“I- Look, Matt… I hate that I’m doing this to you. After Alicia and Lucy and everything… I know you deserve better. I know I should stop letting you down, especially after everything you did to help Dad that time-”

“Forget that Jim. You’re family. Even then.”

“You’ve stuck by me closer than I’ve stuck by you over the years. And I owe you, I know I do. And I don’t want this to be the rest of my life.”

“You’ll take up the job?”

“I… I’m not sure I can. Stay straight, I mean. It’s hard- I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t really think about it most of the time. I just end up stealing, without even thinking about it. You know what they got me in for this time? Trying to walk out a supermarket with a TV.”

“What the hell did you need a TV for?”

“I didn’t. I just wanted to see if I could.”

“Spoiler alert- you couldn’t.”

“Well, I know that now don’t I dumb-ass? My point is, if I took your job, I’m worried I’d just fall into old habits again. Only then it would be your company on the line, instead of just my stupid arse.”

“There’s got to be support workers that can help. There’s probably grants we can get. Employing ex-cons and all that.”

“Hang on… you’re not just employing me to get some money out the government are you?”

“Jim, would I really do a thing like that?”

“Honestly?”

“Shut up. If you’re gonna be like that I’ll find someone else who wants the job-”

“No! Just… look, are you sure? I’m a liability, I’ll be the first to admit

that.”

“That’s nothing worse than what my wife’s called me over the past month.”

“Ouch. Yeah, Alicia had a wicked tongue on her when she wanted to. I remember that time you stole her bike at high school.”

“Oh man, I’d forgotten about that. She can’t blame me then, can she? She knew what I was like from the start.”

“… You shouldn’t lose her man. Seriously Matt. Don’t lose her.”

“Not sure there’s anything more I can do about that. You’re avoiding the question though. Do you want the job? Do you want to see the law from the other side of the table, for once?”

“Pfff. Guess so. I’ve run out of other options.”

“You better still have your National Insurance number.”

“Yeah, somewhere about. Hey, Matt? Thank you. I mean that. Like, from the heart.”

“Don’t get soft with me, Jim. It won’t get you a pay rise. Here.”

“What’s this?”

“What does it look like? It’s the key to the cell.”

“Why the hell did they give this to my lawyer?”

“They didn’t. I lifted it of the duty officer on the way in.”

“What the hell?!”

“What? You think after all these years I haven’t learnt how to not get caught?”

“Matt!”

“Oh quit whining Jim. Are you coming or what?”