You

Red, yellow, green.

It is interesting how three colors control what man does. Dozens of vehicles stopped at a junction, just because of a red light. Even when it's midnight, with the roads empty, one has to wait for the red to turn green. This doesn’t stop us from blaring our horns, even at a stoplight. Man is always eager to get places. To do stuff. Man thinks he is important. Although we are nothing but minute sand particles in a vast space that we have zero comprehension of. Billions and billions of stars and planets and galaxies.

Tell me, how does one feel so lonely here?

As the light turns green, I snap out and drive my car. I zone out often. I take pride in my ability to do so. Sometimes it’s involuntary, sometimes by choice. To shut out people. In a lecture hall. In a crowd. At the dining table. 

It’s just that when I zone out, everything around me stands still. I’m in a world of my own, alone, with my thoughts. They are my best companions right now.

It’s weird, right? Being lonely. At this time and age. Yeah, it kind of is. 

'The internet'- man’s greatest invention. 'Social networking'- the proudest offspring of the said invention. Be connected to anyone, anywhere. Yet, my thoughts ponder on. Why is it like this? Honestly, I've never asked for things to be this way.

I look out of the window, staring at nothing in particular from my desk. A lecture on engineering mechanics. It’s more of a background noise. I’m thinking about how it all went down. The start. The middle. The end. Time flew fast. The boring lecture has come to an end. This has become a routine now. Perhaps this is how I started to zone out on my own to a point where no external stimuli were needed. Perfect!

Loud music. Flashy lights. Boisterous cheering. People dancing their hearts out. 

A young crowd’s exuberance was overwhelming the spacious auditorium. I could never relate to how one does that. Standing amidst all these people, detached from this reality where everyone is vibing to the music and lights. Me? Oh, I’m somewhere else. Lost in a string of thoughts, that are also detached from my reality.

Is it even possible to miss someone like this? Why is it that everywhere I go, all my thoughts are still you. 

I zone out again. Start. Middle. End. Repeat. This cycle, in all its glory.

A crowd of people. Sipping their coffee, eating their food, jolting to work, to meet friends, loved ones. People glued to their laptops, to their phones. I just sat there, thinking back to all the times when I was just like one of them with my phone clasped tight in my hand, glancing at the screen. But it’s different now, isn’t it? I can’t stop myself from thinking about you. Where are you? What’re you doing right now? Every buzz makes me eager. But it’s never you. We don’t talk anymore. The online tag does me little to no justice on this matter. It only reminds me of the times when I had seen that next to your name. When we were busy talking about everything under the earth, losing track of time and place, accepting that we were just speckles in this huge universe. A perfect mix. A real connection. Now, that’s something the internet rarely gives you.

Music soothes the soul, that’s completely true, I agree. Driving around in my car playing music from my phone on shuffle is one of the few things that makes me grounded to a reality that I still can’t fathom. It doesn’t help though, the fact that half of my playlist is basically your song recommendations. It was raining heavily. The sky was coming down on me. I enjoyed driving in the rain. What’re the odds of that one song coming up right now, at this moment? I’m lost in my thoughts, again. The vicious cycle of raindrops falling on the windshield wiped away by the wiper blades. It’s not a pretty picture. 

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I know It’s weird.

How do you miss someone that you haven’t talked to in months? How does one’s thought always center around that one person, who isn’t even there anymore? Why is it that even when I’m out cracking up with my guys, you always manage to pop up in my thoughts? Why is it that even in a room full of people, I’m hoping to see you?

I was really happy. Happy to be with someone, who really knows you. The real you. The one all your other friends don’t know. The weird you. The true version. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else around you. I didn’t have to pretend to be cool or satisfy any constraints. It was enough.

It’s funny how things go wrong.

I feel alone. Secluded. Cut off from everyone else. Like I’m missing a part of me. Maybe a part of me left with you. The part of me that was eagerly waiting to talk to you every day, to tell you what happened and to listen to what happened to you. Well, that part didn’t actually leave. It’s a wholesome feeling. Knowing that you’re important to someone. Knowing that you matter. I was happy. I was really happy.

It’s difficult to replace that wholesome feeling you know. When it all went away, when a part of me left, I was broken. 

I used to imagine how it would’ve been if it didn’t go down like how it did. I used to imagine telling you stuff, like how we used to do. Always thinking of stuff to tell you. Telling you every single thought. I used to imagine that a lot, even after you left. I miss you. I missed you. Your absence, it weighed heavily on my heart. Like, really heavy. A sinking feeling. Pulling me down. Yet no closer to the ground. These thoughts were the only things that made me grounded to the reality I could understand, the one where you are no longer there. 

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It’s 3 am and I’m staring at the ceiling. I can’t sleep. I don’t remember the last time I slept peacefully. I reach out and pick up my phone. 

3 am, it shows.

It has been 4 years. 4 long years. I have outgrown that which once made me choke. At least that’s what I tell myself. Although at the back of my head, in a dusty corner of my thoughts, you still linger. I have come a long way since then, literally and figuratively. 

The views here are better. Skyscrapers adorn the sky for as far as the eye can see. The views are breathtaking at night with the city lights so mesmerizing. I think of you less now, a lot less. But you are still there. Each new person I meet is judged by an abnormal standard set by you. Frankly, nobody has cleared them. But I make due to what I have, and that is important. 

Am I okay now? Quite frankly, I don't know actually. But I’m doing better right now, I guess. Yet, during one of those long nights where sleep eludes me, my thoughts bring me back to you.

I stare at the ceiling. I haven’t slept properly in a while. I get up frustrated, grab a glass of water, and head to the balcony. The view always amazes me. I don’t know why I’m not yet used to this view. It has almost been a year now. I reach out for my phone and check the time. 3:08 am. Nothing good happens after 3am, I grunt.

My phone vibrates. I pick it up to check what it is.

‘Hey?’

I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do, in general. 

I was stuck in an endless abyss with no one around. It was pitch black.

Here we go again, Start. Middle. End.