Time to Decide

[This story deals with abortion]

Willow bounced one leg and tapped her pen on her desk repeatedly. She was trying to focus on work, but it just wasn't possible. What should she do? She was running out of time, and she couldn't just rush this decision. This was life changing, she told herself, it deserved all her consideration.

Less than 2 days ago, she had gone to a doctor's appointment, an annual checkup, and come home in shock. She was pregnant. She knew when it happened - her limited sex life left no doubts about that or about who the… ahem… 'sperm donor' was. It was a fling, a one-night stand with what must have been a faulty condom because they certainly used one and it certainly didn't do its job. But with her irregular use of birth control, she knew she could have been more careful. At the ripe old age of almost 39, she had gotten complacent about a few things, and now here she was, looming on the 6-week deadline for an abortion, an appointment already made for the procedure, but just not convinced that an abortion was what she wanted.

Willow shook her head, sighed, and directed her attention back towards her computer. It was useless. Willow put herself on 'away' and opened a new spreadsheet. "Pros" and "Cons". It seemed crass but she didn't know what else to do with herself. Pro number 1: she wanted kids. She'd considered freezing her eggs over 5 years ago but couldn't afford it and couldn't imagine having a child without a husband. Now she was fine without a serious relationship and ran her own business from her home. She had the financial means to stow away her biological bits but had given up that dream, and the husband, because of her age. Thirty-nine wasn't so old, was it? Con number 1: her age came with health risks. That being said, she was in great health, ate healthy, exercised, and she knew a friend or two her age who were still having kids. Con number 2: those friends seemed stressed and miserable all the time. That wasn't fair. Her siblings and many of her friends had children and swore they wouldn't have it any other way. She'd always wondered if that was because they really didn't have a choice but for another pro, she put 'love and satisfaction' with a question mark.

Willow stood up and walked to her full-length mirror. Of course, she wasn't showing yet, but she lifted her shirt and poked out her belly as though something inside might give her a sign. She could flip a coin, maybe? She laughed at the idea. Yes, decide the course of the rest of my life with a coin flip. Stupid.

Make no mistake, she was pro-choice and well educated on the ins and outs of abortion. She'd stood outside her state capital and protested the new 'Illegal after 6 weeks' laws. But just because she had the right didn't mean she had to use it. The right to choose was the important part. At the moment, however, she didn't feel pregnant. She hadn't even had proper morning sickness or cravings or any sort of warm fuzzy feelings for what was growing inside her. Had she not had her annual checkup - the idea of not getting a choice made her tingle all over. She didn't believe in fate, but she could certainly appreciate that at least she found out soon enough to decide for herself.

She couldn't make this decision talking to herself and there was really only one person she could count on to keep things quiet. That thought bothered her. Like she had something to hide, like an abortion would be something shameful. She didn't believe any of that but as the daughter of very conservative parents and her grandparents all still alive, well, and opinionated, she decided discretion was in order. The thing was, the only person she could trust was her brother. One of the only things they'd ever really argued about was the topic of abortion, which he was staunchly against. He and his wife didn't go to Planned Parenthood and harass people or anything, but they were very outspoken about their beliefs. Would he judge her? Look down on her if she chose to give up the pregnancy? Or worse, would he blame himself?

There was nothing for it, there was no one else she could talk to. She picked up her phone, dialed his number, and with a brief explanation and her invitation, her brother was at her house in less than half an hour with her favorite soda and a chocolate bar. Her brother, Brandon, was always considerate if a little opinionated.

"And here I thought you were the good kid!" he joked as they got comfortable on her couch.

"I am the good kid! I used protection, I stick to one partner at a time, I've even told the guy I'm pregnant. I don't even know the guy, but I was still honest."

"What did he say?" He brother asked.

"Kill it or keep it, I'm not paying you anything." Willow quoted. "So I'm not worried about him being in the picture. Look, I know you're against abortion, I respect that, really, I do..."

"My views on that have changed a little since we got in that fight about it. I don't think my wife would like me telling you this but… we used Plan B about a year ago." Brandon confessed, turning red in the face as he said it.

"That's not really the same," Willow blurted.

"For us, it was. It was just like going in for a procedure, just without all the extra effort and drama." He explained.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Can I ask what made you make that decision?"

Brandon squirmed, always a little shyer about personal matters.

"We had a condom break. We talked it over and came to the conclusion that we just couldn't afford another kid at the time. It was right after dad got laid off so we couldn't ask mom and dad for help. And we were just overwhelmed with the kids already."

"3 kids is a lot," Willow concluded.

"And if I'm being honest, there are still times when we live paycheck to paycheck. It just wasn't doable. So I can… appreciate the fact that sometimes circumstances happen. I'm not saying either way is right or wrong for you, just letting you know that I am more open these days".

"I didn't plan this but here's the thing: I don't mind the idea of being a single mom. I'm in a good place financially, I think I'm mature enough, but having to decide so fast - there's just no time to think about it! I went ahead and made an appointment just in case, so I wouldn't run out of time and then not get that choice, but I'm going to be honest with you, Brandon, I think I want this."

"I can't imagine having a kid on my own. Then again, I was in my early 20s when I started having kids. Definitely not as far in life as you are now." Brandon offered.

"According to your beliefs, aren't I going straight to hell for even considering an abortion?" she said playfully.

"There's a long list of things you'll go to hell for first," he laughed.

"I wish I could feel something. Some signs of life or something, does that make sense? This hardly seems real but I'm supposed to make a decision one way or another."

Brandon nodded. "You have a little way to go before you get any signs of anything. Trust me. It'll hit you sooner or later."

"Yeah, I don't have that kind of time." Willow said, "But you know, this might be my one chance, outside of using a sperm donor or something and that… that's expensive, I don't know."

Brandon laughed. "KIDS are expensive, are you serious? Either way you're making a big investment, you're just saving a little more upfront!"

"I have good savings. I looked up the average cost of raising a kid, I think I can swing it." She added.

"So really the question is, do you want to do this now, alone, or wait until you have a partner by your side?" Brandon leaned in. "A lot of men want kids, not so many want to go into a relationship where there's already a kid."

"Are you kidding? I'll be a single mom, sure, but I won't be alone. I'll have to swallow everyone else's opinion about what I'm doing but that's not so bad. And besides that, no one thought I could manage my own business or even pay my way through school, I did all of that on my own."

"Hey, I knew you could do all of that." Brandon lamented, "I just wasn't sure it was good for you. And I was wrong, you've done great. This, though, this is different. What if something goes wrong in your pregnancy, like we had with Danny. Can you be bedridden for several months?"

"I'll ask for help if I need it. I could get in an accident tomorrow and be bedridden, who knows, right? I'm not going to let that worry me," she argued.

"But it's different, when there's a little somebody depending on you. And you know, I'm sorry to say it but it's true, the pregnancy… it might not last. Mom had several miscarriages before she had a healthy baby, we had at least one that we know of. Are you ready to handle that kind of loss? It's not at all uncommon."

Willow paused. "I hadn't thought about that. No, I don't want that but if it happens, it happens. I think I can handle it."

"I have an idea that might give you a little more time," Brandon said. "Other states have different laws about abortion. Make an appointment somewhere else for further along in the pregnancy. It's no more expensive than having a baby and I can ride with you if you want, my job's flexible."

"You're encouraging me to wait until the fetus is even more developed? Who are you and what did you do to my brother?", she said jokingly but with more than a little concern.

"I am more concerned with you making a choice you regret than with the finer points of abortion. This way you have time."

"That's what I need. I need time".

Within an hour, they came up with a plan. By the time Brandon left, Willow had an appointment in another state. If she decided not to keep the pregnancy, she'd keep the appointment. If she decided to bring another human being into the world, she would cancel. Willow didn't know what she would choose - she didn't have to. She had a little more time on her side and at least one person in her corner no matter what she chose. She sat back down at her desk, taking a moment to look at her flat belly as she passed by the mirror.

"We just need time," she said to no one, or maybe to the potential someone inside her. "I don't know what to do yet, but I'll figure it out. I've got time."