The First Last Day

My anxiety was starting to get worse than it had been for the last week. The last day of summer vacation has arrived. Every summer I was filled with hope that the next year of school would be better than the last, I would finally show up to school and shock everyone with my two-month transformation, and maybe next year I would have gained the confidence to talk to my peers, lose weight, get a boyfriend, be popular, next school will be the year I am noticed, I will finally be someone.

The truth of the matter was, that was never going to happen for me. Tomorrow was my first day of senior year, it was my last chance to show up as a new person. I sat on my bedroom floor coming face to face with the mirror hanging on my door, as I stared into my own eyes it hit me that nothing had changed once again. I am still the same loser I was last year, another year that I will throw on sweatpants and baggy t-shirts to cover my fat rolls and sit at the same lunch tables with all the other rejects that no one wanted anything to do with.

I snap out of my negative mindset, stand up, walk over to my closet, and start trying on the new outfits I had bought for the new school year. It was possible that if I had the right outfit maybe the confidence would hit me when it was time for me to get on the bus in the morning. Each shirt I had put on I observed in the mirror how it looks on me when I am standing normally, sucking in my stomach, and of course, I had to test how it would look when I would sit down. Most of the outfits looked alright when I was standing but the second I sat my fat rolls would go over my pants and my legs looked like two sumo wrestlers. That was it, I tore off my last choice only to whip the shirt and pants across the room in anger.

I throw my baggy black t-shirt on and step back into my blue soft shorts. I jump on my bed with my face smooshed in my pillow, I let out a scream. Why? Why couldn't I be one of the girls that had the it factor? Why couldn't I be the one to eat whatever I wanted never to gain a pound? I just wanted to be that girl who walks into the room and everyone is happy she showed up to class just to have her near, the girl everyone wanted to be friends with no matter what, the girl who would have a huge prom proposal in the middle of the school for everyone to see and be jealous that such a good looking guy would do that for me.

The thought runs through my mind. I bet Katie Matthews never feels this anxiety and stress that I feel before school, I am sure she never gets nervous about anything. She is sitting at home right now excited to go back to school so she can return to the spotlight and get all the attention from everyone once again. There was nothing wrong with Katie, she was perfect. Everyone just loved her. I hated her, and for the last eleven years, she has helped make my life a living hell with her passive-aggressive comments, stealing my friends, and being a straight-up bully to me. Did this stop me from still wanting to be her best friend? Nope. I was never sure if I wanted to be her friend to gain some of her popularity or if I just thought she was cool, maybe a little of both. All I know is that if people saw me hanging out with Katie my days of being a loser would be over.

Although I knew tomorrow wouldn't be the grand entrance I had hoped for walking into the school as a senior. I grabbed my notebook and a pen to make a list of everything I wanted this upcoming school year. Just because I wasn't going to be at my full potential on the first day doesn't mean the whole year would be a repeat of the many previous school years, right?

Eleanor's Senior Year Goals:

*Lose 20 pounds

*Become friends with Katie Matthews

*Get asked to a school dance/prom

*Talk to Garret Smith

*Get better grades

*DATE Garret Smith

*Dye hair blonde

I figured the list would be easy to follow, if I just stopped eating and only drank water for a month I could easily be skinny, and lose those twenty pounds possibly even more! Could you imagine? If I, Eleanor Roberts was skinny the rest would come easy. Of course, bleaching my hair blonde would gain me extra points from my classmates as well. To be skinny and blonde meant I could wear cuter clothes, resulting in my confidence boost, leading me to become friends with Katie Matthews then when I became friends with her that would land me a chance closer to Garret Smith, we would become friends, he would fall for me and ask me to prom with balloons and a huge poster that reads "Will you go to prom with me?" After prom, he would ask me out, and we would be in love forever, get married, and have two kids named Justin and Emily. As for the better grades I am sure that would just fall into place, maybe I would be able to focus on my school work if my social life was going perfect.

...8 years later

This morning my husband and I received the best news, we finally landed a home, our very first house. Naturally, we were so overjoyed that we did not hesitate to start packing our things into brown boxes. We knew we still had to wait a couple of months to close on the house but we wanted to be ready. As I was going through my junk drawer attached to my desk I found an old notebook of mine. I opened the notebook and started flipping through the pages, I was curious to see what my younger self had written. On one of the pages, I find a list that is titled, "Eleanor's Senior Year Goals," I start laughing to myself. How ridiculous was I?

I sit there staring at the page, look up at my husband as he is packing all his video games into a box and I smile. No, I did not become friends with Katie Matthews, I never dated Garrett Smith, and I certainly never got asked to prom, I didn't even attend the prom. In the end, none of that mattered. High school ended, and we all moved on. Everything that happened brought me to where I am now. Garett Smith could not compare to my husband Ryan and turns out Katie Matthews still hasn't won an Oscar for her well-played performance back in high school.

I close the notebook, laugh, throw it in the trash, and keep moving forward.