Light

"Julian"

"Julian"

"JULIAN"

If this man ignores me one more time I swear I'll...

"What do you want, Monica?"

Julian seems exasperated. I'm not sure why, as he's been the one ignoring me all morning. HE drags ME to the apple orchard and now he's sulking? I was perfectly content lounging on the couch with a hot mug of tea, rose infused black tea of course, and wasting away this brisk October day. But not Julian. Forever the active extrovert. He just HAD to get out of apartment.

It's a beautiful day, Mon, look at the sky! We still have time to get to the orchard early and beat the crowds.

I sigh. Julian doesn't even like apples.

"Julian, you look like a deranged Johnny Appleseed, yanking apples off trees and causing more to fall to the ground than you are getting in your bag. What did all of those apples ever do to you?"

He really was aggravated about something but I cannot imagine what.

"Monica, I am enjoying myself. I wish you would do the same".

"Well I might if you weren't bringing the whole mood down so much."

"Monica, just.. let's just go over there. See? Way at the back there, that large tree?" Julian points to the back of the orchard and sure enough, there is one very large tree protruding out from all the rest.

That can't possibly be an apple tree. Why in the world does Julian want me to walk all of the way over there?

"Can we not, Julian? I didn't wear the right shoes for all of this walking and I am already starting to get cold. Let's just grab our apples and get out of here."

That was apparently the wrong thing to say because as soon as the words left my mouth Julian dropped his bag of apples and whipped around to face me, a blended look of anger and sadness on his face.

"MONICA"

Julian yells slightly and realizes too late that there are families around us now, turning to tune in to the free show we are putting on. He takes a breath to calm himself and moves closer to me, lowers his voice.

"Monica, I would like to go to that tree in the back. It looks very pretty and I think we should go look at it." With that Julian picks up the dropped apples, surely now bruised, turns towards the tree and walks off.

"Okay, Julian. Okay" I say as I slowly follow behind.

Sometimes I wonder what he sees in me. When we met I was an ugly, shy thing. Alone in a new city and struggling to make ends meet. I was anxious, depressed, lonely. Nothing a smart, successful guy like Julian could have been looking for. But find me he did. Waiting tables at the local Tea Time Cafe, it was golf themed, we wore little skirts and polo tanks, and trying to write my masterpiece novel at night.

My Masterpiece. Ha. That never materialized.

Still, I had to admit meeting Julian brought light to my life. He was pleasant and warm. Offering me a kindness I had never received and never felt worthy of. Still don't, to think of it. I have nothing to offer this world, how could I be worthy of receiving kindness? I've told Julian on many occasion, but he clearly doesn't believe me.

I don't deserve you, I told him just last week. You should go out and find someone worthy of you. Talented and full of life. As full of vibrancy as you. I bring nothing but darkness.

Nonsense, he tells me, reaching up to brush the hair out of my face. The hair I try and hide behind to keep me safe from the prying eyes of the world. You are exactly my match.

I shake the memory away. Exactly his match? Clearly he was suffering from brain damage.

Break up with him, my mother told me when I shared my concerns. Of course you don't deserve him. He can do better.

My Mother was nothing if not consistent in her assessment of me. A scourge on her life. I tried not to speak to her too often.

I look up, attempting to pull myself from my bitter memories, and notice Julian pacing in front of the large maple tree nestled at the back corner of the orchard. It's beautiful bright orange leaves glowing in the late morning sun. Only Julian could see a sight this breathtaking and completely ignore it.

Julian hears my approach, the crunch of leaves under my feet having given me away, and looks up with tears in his eyes. A sudden pang stabs my heart and fear creeps under my skin, as if I've suddenly been enveloped by a swarm of ants. I shake and rub my arms in an attempt to brush it all away.

"Julian", I attempt to start, to say something to assuage my fears that the tears in his eyes mean nothing but heartache for me, but I don't know what to say. Words have never come easy to me. I have a failed novel to prove it.

Julian cuts me off before I can utter another word, his voice powerful, but full of cracks.

"Why won't you marry me, Monica?!"

I freeze. I feel as though I have been slapped in the face. No, punched in the gut. I am breathless, spinning, clamoring for control of a body I have left behind as my soul dies and gets carried away by the cool autumn wind.

Julian must have noticed the empty body in front of him, for he releases a large breath and slowly steps toward it. I reenter my body as he gently says my name and brushes hair out of my eye.

"I'm sorry, Monica. I didn't mean to be so harsh... this wasn't... this wasn't supposed to be like this. I love you desperately, Mon. You must know that."

He's looking at me with such hope in his eyes. This man. This beautiful, wonderful, man. Declaring his everlasting love to me.

He's expecting an answer. He needs me to respond. But what could I say? Save yourself, Julian. I will bring you under and destroy your light? I couldn't possibly. I should.

"Julian... I... can't"

I expect to see his composure crack. To get angry and lash out. Everyone else always does. Whenever I disappoint them. But not Julian. Never Julian. He just slowly kisses me, soft and quick, then bends low on one knee, clasping my hands.

"Monica Anne Denton. I have loved you from the moment I met you, when you spilled a boiling pot of tea all over my shoes, ruining my favorite pair of loafers. I have spent 5 years by your side, discovering your secrets and making them my own. Watching you find yourself as an educator and bringing so much hope to the lives of the children you help every day. Giving them everything I wish someone would have given you. Giving them everything I hope to provide to you. I am impetuous and thoughtless, racing through life and creating a dust storm in my wake. You are careful and subdued, grounding me when my world starts to spin with it's endless possibilities and outcomes. I have never met someone as sure of themselves and their place in this world as you and I admire you and treasure you. You tell me that I am the light and you are darkness and that we could never be a match but you are wrong. The light can only shine bright because it must break up the dark. Darkness can only exist to envelope the light. We are two parts of a whole, you and I, and I wish to marry you and make us forever one. Monica, marry me."

The world seems to stop. The birds are frozen in the sky and an apple falling from the tree next to us has paused midair. The words Julian has spoken hang in the air and swarm around my head, taunting me with their love. He wants to marry me.

He wants to marry ME.

I don't want to believe it. How could I believe it. It must be a horrid trick; he means to say these glorious, life changing things and then break my heart and walk away. Dump me like the spoiled apples on the ground.

And yet...

And yet he's here, in front of me. Real and solid. Warm and full of his bright light. The light that helped me out of my darkness. The light that lead me out of an endless night and into a day filled with purpose and joy. He was right. I had found meaning, in teaching kids. In helping those most at risk, those who would end up forgotten like me. And he had been there, My Julian. Offering me a shoulder to cry on when I was overwhelmed with sadness. Standing strong as my support when I needed help clawing out of my own despair. I love him.

I LOVE HIM!

The thought fills my body with such happiness I could burst and cover the world with rainbows and butterflies. I chuckle for a moment, imaging the sight of rainbows and butterflies flowing out of me. Ridiculous. Ridiculous and perfect.

I know in an instant I can never go back. I have begun a new life. The old Monica is no more. I know what I need to do. I look up with a smile on my face and meet Julian's eyes.

"Yes"