The Conductor, Comedian, and The Clown

They may not be your real friends, or even real people. However, as a young kid I had friends that I may have made up based off things I watched on the television and real life experiences. I struggled with life from the minute I was born. I was that shy kid, nerdy kid in school. I once had to play the role of a preacher’s daughter, or should I say the daughter of a wolf in sheep’s clothing. In doing so, my childhood was sort of robbed from me.

You may have heard of the three Amigos before, well I had three myself. Had it not been for these three entities of imagination I doubt that I would have survived what I did. These friends may also be the only things I ever would and still believe in to this day. Even though, I’ve had to sadly leave them and my child self, back in the memories of past hell here on earth.

My first friend and maybe my favorite was a railroad man that also stood in the place of my biological father Wayne who left me when I was three. The second one was a lady/comedian/Alien princess by the name of Sonia Rockwood who taught me some valuable lessons, even my own mother wouldn’t dream of teaching me. Then there was Giddy a killer clown that killed my worst fear. Now being an only child, but also an abused one. I find it fascinating how the mind develops it’s own way of doing things. These weren’t just imaginary friends they were family. My family.

The railroad man aka (Conductor Rae) came when I was three years old and didn’t leave until I was about seven. He taught me one important lesson through his own story. He too like me missed someone, she died when a train he was conducting derailed. Along with his three brothers fire-lighter Leroy, engineer Steven, and porter Joe. Through playing out his story of sadness, I learned I may be out of the picture in my Father’s eye’s but I was not down. I still had a fighting chance, because the rail road man finally became in my story the superintendent of the railroad and remarried and had kid’s and one of them was moi. Eventually, the railroad man, switched into a female form. Her name was Sonia Rockwood, she was an comedian and an alien princess. She derivied from a galaxy far far away, on a planet called Bathsheba. She only came to earth to see the earthly children that was abused or hurt, by the dark forces that according to her killed her beloved son Kavc. Having a desire to have children of her own to raise, she took in abused children from the milky way galaxy. I loved her a lot she made me like myself for who I was, and using satire and farce taught me to poked fun of the evil monsters I lived with as parents. When my no good supposedly replacement father Erwin would beat me with a horse whip, and do things to my body only an adult woman should know about. Sonia would come to be with me almost every day. When my own birth mother who knew nothing about being a mother would emotionally tear me down, or forget I even exsisted. On a rocket ship that kind of looked liked the Falcon off of Starwars, Sonia Rockwood would appear to me and be the good mom and the advocate for me. She explained through her own story of comedy living on the bizarre planet that I should never let a man, or anyone tease me or bully me, and though my childhood may have been lost, as a tween, I could learn to be a kick ass bitch and eventually regain what I lost plus more. Eventually, she too had to leave and return to her home planet. That is when Giddy appeared. Now the only person I ever recall being any real family to me was my grandmother Lou Anna. As I grew more into a young adult I had come to grasp more of what death was and I was terrified to watch her the only real human in my world that loved me wither away and be placed in a wooden bed.

Giddy a killer clown believe it or not, was also one of my friends. However, he didn’t kill children, he killed the fears of death. He was also a European not an American. Sometimes he appeared with a face that was caked, green clown hair and a red jumpsuit and bozo shoes. However, he was a shapeshifter and sometimes he looked like he could be an elderly man. When he was a human form he had black eyes, salt peppered hair that was combed back. He also had a beard and mustache and wore all black clothing. He walked with his left foot dragging behind him, left hand shaking, and his facial features was set to a pre mortified state. In either form He demonstrated death for me so much in pretending that when the time came, I was able to accept it for its true form. He told me I hadn’t need to be afraid of changes that occur naturally in life. That it may be scary or appear that way, but like him just because he was scary doesn’t mean he couldn’t be a good thing.

In seeing him I came to understand this, my grandmother’s death was horrible, but I’m in a way grateful that her exit out of this world was peaceful and I no longer have to see the lady I love suffer.

Now as full adult woman living the best years of my life, as social worker. Though I have grew up and a part from these friends. I am glad that in some aspects of my life my brain gave me these friends to channel my thoughts and feelings into. I will still always have tangled relationship with them, but as an adult I will never forget the lessons I learned through them during the dark times of my life.