Perfection

When I imagined the perfect life, I didn't think about how it was in the background. Until I made it there. When I'm at school everyone sees the girl who's always put together, honor roll, perfect skin, slim waist, athletic, and a smile plastered on her face all the time. I am the happy friend. I never let anyone see how bad the comments affect me. Nobody knows what it’s like at home. For me it is pretty much the opposite of what you would think.

The slim waist that everyone envies, is not on purpose. I don't want to be a stick. I don't want to be fat either, just comfortable. But I can't. I'm not that confident. Athletics are okay, I guess. They aren't my thing anymore. I have to run to clear my head, the thoughts, they are always lingering in the dark unknown corners of my mind. Am I enough? Do they actually like me? The perfect grades are from the constant pressure from my family to be the best. If they weren’t there I’d have maybe B’s.

But life still has to go on right? I can't falter because of teenage emotions. So everyday I get up just like everyone else. Going to school like every other high school student. My best friend picks me up every morning and we get coffee to stay awake in class.

I walk in and stand up straighter. The practiced smile spread across my face. Waving to everyone as they look at me with envy. Walking down the halls feels like everyone is peering into my soul, trying to find cracks in the foundation of this persona. Perfect looks and friends. If only they knew the truth.

Mrs. Salas greets me pleasantly as I enter Spanish class. "Good morning, Miss Piper." I wave back and tell her about the test I need to make up. She normally wouldn't mention it but my mother threw a fit that I missed it. Mrs. Salas promised to give it to me during study hall and I went to my desk. Anna comes in and practically runs over to give me a hug. It feels fake but of course I can’t say it out loud.

Once class started we were not supposed to have our phones out. It's a state rule or something like that. But about half way through the 50 minute class, everyone's phones start going off. Not just one or two every now and then like usual, but like almost all at the same time. Mine goes off last. Everyone reads something quickly before widening their eyes and staring at me. I already know it's not good before I even check my phone. Across the screen Spells out "fake."

I look at the picture only to realize someone took pictures of my journal. How did they get a hold of it? It never leaves my room. Not even Bella, my best friend, knew about it.

I stood up silently, trying to stay calm. Mrs. Salas was still teaching when I walked calmly out the door and straight to the library. It's the only place I could think to go where there would be a quiet place to sit alone. I needed to think. The librarian, Mr. Ryder gave me a puzzled look as I passed his desk. Thankfully, he didn't say a word. In the far back corner, there's the table I always sit at to do homework. This time I just sat down and stared straight. I hadn't realized I zoned out until this quiet kid, Marcus sat next to me.He only joined me in silence. No laughing or trying to embarrass me. Just there. Can someone really judge you without a facial expression, or even looking at you?

"What are you doing here?" I asked. Marcus just looked at me for a while before replying. Like he was trying to figure out what he wanted to say. " I guess I thought you might want company. I can leave if you want me to." So he's not judging me? He had this soft look in his eyes, unlike the others, whose eyes held only disgust.

“No, it’s okay.” What else am I supposed to say? I watch as Marcus pulls out a notebook. It’s plain with only his name at the top. He sets it on the table. That’s it. Nothing else. No pencils,or pens, and he doesn’t even say anything. But somehow it makes me feel better. Like maybe he understands somehow. “Do you know what this is?” Marcus asks finally. “No.” I admit. I’m not quite sure I should. I mean he didn’t exactly tell me what it was.

He says, “It’s a journal. My journal. I know girls usually call it a diary but it’s a journal for me. Everything about who I really am and who I want to be is written in it. It’s my life.”

“Well, that’s the point of it.”

“Obviously, but that’s not what I mean”

“Then what do you mean?”

So, I’m not sure why he’s telling me this. Marcus, who I don’t normally talk to, is telling me all about his journal. He takes a deep breath.

He tells me,”You’re not the only one who hides who they really are. Everyone makes it seem that way because they’re scared.”

“Scared of what exactly?”

Basically he goes on to tell me how people are scared of how the world will look at them if they are themselves. It gets really boring. Until other people start coming into the library. They don’t notice me at first but when they do, they just stop. They stop walking and talking. Maybe even stop breathing.

I know what they’re thinking about. It’s not that hard to guess. I’m not “Miss Perfect Piper” anymore. I’m this mess of a person who put up a front. Nobody saw it before but they definitely see it now.

Anna walks in with Bella glued to her hip. Of course I’m not in the group anymore or maybe I never was. They look at each other, then look at me with such fake pity that it makes me want to actually vomit. I don’t.

I’m surprised that they don’t walk over but then again I’m not really. I should have known that they only liked who I was before. Not now.