Divorcing the Dead

The thing is, even though Rev’s the one who’s always been nice to me, I married his stupid brother instead. Why? Well, you can’t exactly marry the brother of the guy who knocked you up, right? At least that’s what Mammaw said. She said, “Darlin, you’re gonna marry the sunnuva dog who knocked you up. So who was it?” I said it was Tak Bullock (cause it was) and that settled that.

On the day of our divorce (which Tak had not contested cept that he filed for full custody of Austin and Bella, which wasn’t happening over my dead body, even Rev said) I was dressed in my best and only dress. Tak had bought it for me cause he said I’d look sexy in it. I thought it was just for the bedroom but he wanted me to wear it out to “show off that hot body” he said. I guess you could say I wore it so many times that I got used to the stares I got in it.

But Rev’s stare was different. He was looking at me alright but he wasn’t gawking at me per se but still he was staring. So that made me nervous and I blurted out, “I don’t want the judge to think bad of me like I’m an unfit mom or nothing just cause of this dress. But do you think I’m looking like a, you know, like a high-class hooker?”

He leaned in and said in all seriousness, “No, I’d definitely think you was affordable.”

It was exactly what I needed to steady my knocking knees. And before I could quit laughing, the bailiff called court to order and I was standing before that judge knowing I should’ve gone to Walmart the day before like I’d thought and bought me a better dress, one like that one Austin’s second grade teacher Mrs. Frankle always wears to parent-teacher conferences with the fitted waist but that goes down past her knees. 

Oh well.

I could feel Rev watching me from behind, not in a creepy way (it was just Rev) but in a supportive way like the gaze of his eyes was somehow holding up my back. And I needed that too cause I thought I might faint a time or two even though I never ever get queasy, unless I was pregnant, although I almost never was sick with Bella until right at the end and that’s just cause I went over by two weeks.

The judge didn’t seem to notice my dress (maybe cause that table I was standing behind was high and covered my bare legs). By the way, I was gonna wear pantyhose like Mammaw always made me wear to church but I had a run right in the knee and only had hot pink nail polish not clear or even tan or gold and I ain’t that smart but I know hot pink nail polish on the knee would’ve done me more worse than good. 

Tak didn’t show and that was fine by me cause that judge said she could see I was a fit mother (she said caring and responsible, too, which Rev said he agreed with completely) and she gave me full custody. Thank God, cause I’d’ve died if she hadn’t. 

Rev said he knew all along Tak wasn’t gonna show, and who am I to contradict him when he’s the one who had that strange feeling that same day when Tak got shot with that sniper rifle and then we found out two days later he was in a military hospital back in the states. I can’t argue with that kind of ESP. Rev said Tak was probably at the bar and he’d go check if I wanted him to just so I didn’t worry (cause he knows that even though I hate Tak’s guts I still care bout him, I guess cause he’s my kids’ daddy). 

But I said, “Don’t worry bout it. Tak’s sure to know in his gut what he lost today (and rightfully so, Rev added) and he’s gonna wallow in his misery like any fellow would who just lost his wife and the two best things that ever happened to him, but he’ll be just fine.”

But Rev said he still had this funny feeling so he’d go check on him anyway and I just can’t fault a man with a heart as big as Rev’s for caring bout his no good brother so I told him to go on ahead.

It didn’t really occur to me until a couple days later that Tak technically died an hour before court that day, so I wonder now if since we were still technically married per se when he died if I’m gonna get his life insurance money from the military? Even if not, Rev says Austin and Bella will see their share. I’m grateful since that means they’ll finally have some money in the bank for their college funds (which I done told them they’re both going even if they argue they ain’t, which neither of em has since they’re only eight and four and don’t know to argue yet bout such a thing, but I figure they’ll argue one day anyhow once they’re older and think they’re smarter than me, but the money will already be there so there’s nothing they can do bout it cause they won’t have no excuses, even Rev said). 

Rev asked if I wanted to say a few words at Tak’s funeral or if I just wanted him and Tak’s military buddies to speak. I said I might want to say something but I just wasn’t sure if anything would come to me. He said figuring as how I run my mouth something’s likely to pop out so he’d save some time for me.

Course, I wasn’t gonna wear that same stupid dress so I went to Walmart and got me a new one. It didn’t look like Mrs. Frankle’s, but I think she has an older style than I do anyway. After all, she must be bout thirty-five and I’m still only twenty-five, so my dress is a little shorter. And I didn’t get no pantyhose cause truth is I always hated wearing them things and Mammaw ain’t round to scold me bout it anyhow.

I couldn’t think of nothing to say.

Rev told a story of when him and Tak was little and Rev jumped off that haybale at Grandpa Ray’s farm and broke his leg and Tak carried him all the way on his back back to the house, which he reckoned was bout a half a mile, which is a long distance for a seven-year-old to carry his brother. (Austin’s eight, just like Rev was back then, and, heck, I’d have a hard time carrying him to the end of the gravel drive much less half a mile.) He said some other nice things bout Tak, and I even cried a little, but I still couldn’t think of nothing to say so I just kept my mouth shut and, besides, I didn’t have no one else to sit with Austin and Bella, cept Rev who would’ve done it if he hadn’t been officiating the service, and they needed me there with them anyhow cause they’re both sad bout their daddy too. So I just sat right there with them and distracted them in the sad parts with a sheet of holographic stickers and a notepad I got at the dollar store ahead of time, and I’s thankful for them little church pencils they got on the back of the pews cause, sure nuff, I forgot to bring em anything to draw with and those stickers only lasted bout three minutes. Oh, and I give them each some Smarties, too, which Mammaw always used to give me during church. Got a whole bag for a dollar. Guess kids haven’t changed much cause it kept em both quiet. 

Rev come over the other night, he said just to hang out. Austin and Bella, of course, think Rev hung the moon (probably more than they ever thought bout their daddy cause he was heavy drinking by the time either of them remembered anything bout their life). They both got their piggy back rides on him and then he and Austin hung a rope round a high branch in the climbing tree out back and Rev tied a big knot in it and they all took turns swinging, even Rev who said I should try it, which I didn’t tonight cause I’s in the middle of cooking and had raw chicken all over my hands, but I said I’d try it sometime here soon and he said he’d like to be here when I did and I said, “Why? Cause there oughtta be someone here who could pull me off my butt when I fell off and busted it?” and he said no so he could grab a ladder to get me back down when I got scared at the top. I guess he remembers I wouldn’t climb up onto Mammaw’s shed when we was little. I never told him it was just cause that ole possum that used to eat the cat food had gone on and died up there after Mammaw shot it and I just didn’t want to see it’s dead carcass.

After I put the kids to bed, Rev said he wondered if Tak swerved off that road on purpose or if he was just too drunk and it was an accident. I said I don’t know but I’d rather think it was an accident stead of living feeling guilty bout the divorce maybe being the reason for it. Rev said, yeah, he thought it was an accident, too. Then, he fetched me this diary from his truck and told me I should write in it if I felt like it, said a friend told him he should do that, too, and so he started in his the night before and thought I might like to, also, so he got me this pretty one with wildflowers on it which he knows are my favorite. I told him thanks, that’s the first time anyone’s bought me flowers in ages.

Later after Rev left that night I started writing in here and I done it every night going on a week now. Like Rev said, it’s as much about what I write down as it is about just writing it down. Don’t suppose anyone’ll ever read it and that’s fine by me just so long as I say what I need to say. Speaking of which, Tak, if you can somehow read this, I want you to know one thing: I don’t hate you. I’m sorry I ever said I did. I’s just mad bout what you done and couldn’t think of nothing better to say.

Rev said he forgave me for you and a brother’s forgiveness is just bout as good as getting it from the real deal so I told him I accepted it and he said that makes you and me square so I won’t worry bout you none now and don’t you worry bout us none neither. We’re all gonna be ok, me, Austin, and Bella, cause we got Rev and he ain’t going nowhere, even he promised us so. Rev’s always done right by me, after all, and that’s not changing just cause you’re gone cause Rev said he never did care for me just cause of your sake and I know that’s true cause he always was the nice one to me, even when we was just kids, even before you ever noticed me.