Fault and Reason

The birds were still singing. It signified that indeed the world hadn’t come to an end. Just my world. Again. But I knew from many times before it was only temporary. Time heals all wounds. For me, it healed most but left some. Time also couldn’t paint over the scars. They were glaringly obvious and hard for me to ignore. They molded my future self, and my future kept changing like a rabid tornado that couldn’t decide which town to destroy next. Spring was coming to an end. The year was racing past before my very eyes.. Why couldn’t time move a little slower? I needed more time to decide what to do with myself. I clutched the glass of wine in my hand tightly, it had been empty for some time but I couldn’t bring myself to go inside the house to refill it. It dulled some of the thoughts that kept invading my head. Why wasn’t it possible to just shut your brain off for some time? I wish I was like those people that seemed so unfazed by things. Maybe they just had more self confidence and that’s why troubles didn’t bother them so much. But no, I had always been the soft, fall head over heels type. And I never seemed to learn my lesson. It was laughable really. An inside joke between me and my mentality. 

I’m not really sure where exactly things started to fall apart. I know the worst of it was after he refused to go with me to my company’s holiday party. Though the reason wasn’t very clear. We had been seeing each other for about two months and I saw it as a good first step to introducing him to my life. I had gone out with his friends, I even spent Thanksgiving with them versus my own family. But nothing I did was ever good enough for him. He didn’t want to actually be in a relationship with me, if his ex-girlfriend ever came back he’d want to be with her, he didn’t want to be in any pictures with me, for the most part he didn’t want me to be seen as a real part of his life. All clear signs to run the other way, right? But no. I was desperate for whatever kind of attention someone was willing to give me. I didn’t want to feel alone. I didn’t want to keep crying at night. I’d never let him see me cry. He didn’t deserve to see the vulnerable part of me. So we would just argue. Stop talking. Come together again. It was an endless, vicious cycle. I guess you could say I was just a glutton for punishment. But it was finally dead and done with the simple phrase of “I just want to be...friends.” With that I had turned on my heel and never looked back.

Many people would have a cigarette dangling from their lips by this point. But I had never been much of a smoker. The promise of relaxation had eluded me anytime I had even tried. I guess my lungs thanked me. Maybe I just needed to plan a little getaway, breathe in some salty air, feel sand in between my toes. Yeah, I just needed a mental refresher. And when I came back, I would feel loads better. Well that was the hope at least. If I didn’t it would have just been a waste of desperately needed money. I sighed heavily as I recalled I was only working at half capacity due to cutbacks at my job. Money was tight. I was momentarily distracted by the neighbor animals getting riled up. It must be dinner time for them. I glance across the yard to see the ponies running up to the gate, goats and sheep weaving around them. Not many people got to live next to a petting zoo. I loved it, though I wished I could spend more time interacting with the animals other than through the fence. I’m sure the owner would have no problem with me coming over, but I was too much of a coward to ask. Story of my life. 

The sound of the back door opening rattled me out of my head. Jeremy stepped out, my half empty bottle of Moscato in his hand. He waved it around with a big goofy smile on his face.

“Thought you needed a bit of a topper,” he said, placing the bottle down in front of me.

I smirked at him, actually grateful for the company. He had only recently become a new roommate, moving into the basement. But we had worked together at the same company for some time. He had left a couple months back but we had stayed in touch. And when money got tight for everyone in the house and I heard he was looking for a new place, the plan was born. And here he was. We had done some flirting here and there but it never really amounted to anything. I enjoyed his weird sense of humor, his avid attention to any tidbit of juicy gossip. But that’s all there was. He had flaked on me before, many times, and after a while I had just given up trying to make anything more for us. He plopped down into the chair next to me and stretched his arms out over his head.

“Hope you don’t mind me sitting out here with ya.”

“Not at all.”

“Wanna share what’s on your mind?” he queried, arching an eyebrow at me. He had one of those cute skater boy faces. He was young at 24, while I sat at 28. The sleeve of tattoos was colorful whereas mine was mostly black and white, only splashes of red. Splashes of personality. I reached over to grab the bottle, pouring myself another hearty glass. 

“Just trying to figure out why I suck is all.”

He scoffed. “You don’t suck. “

“Then why do I always end up alone?”

I wanted to give him a hard stare but in reality I couldn’t even bring myself to make eye contact. I had already been on the verge of tears all day and I wasn’t ready for them to spill over in front of him. I heard him sigh heavily as he tapped his fingers on the arm of the metal chair.

“Because you just haven’t found the right person who can truly appreciate you. All good things in time.”

I rolled my eyes at the stereotypical bullshit. Just what I needed. Up went the glass to my lips and the cold liquid cascaded down my throat. He pulled a vape from his pocket and inhaled from him before proceeding to blow out the sickly sweet smelling smoke. 

“I know what you are thinking,” he continues, focusing on his inhales and exhales. “It wasn’t your fault I was such a flake.” Now he truly had my attention. His eyes were downcast, lost in some thought that he was finally deciding to share. “You are awesome, always have been. But I was always hella intimidated by you cause I thought you were too good for me. That maybe it was all just a mean joke. I was being dumb. And I just wanted you to know that.”

His words hung in the air and all we could was sit there. But for some reason, I now felt one hundred times better. And that was a start.