Kiss Me, I'm Pretty

“Just look at him, Patty. Have you ever seen someone so perfect? Look at his face!” I nearly screamed in the cafeteria. 

“Shh,” Patty held a finger to her lips. “Do you want him to hear you?”

“No, of course not. But look at the way he slouches in his chair. The way his sweater hangs on his shoulders. You know that’s a really good color on him.”

“What color are his eyes?” She asks. 

“This perfect pale blue. They rival Jackson’s, but his eyes don’t bug out of his head like Jackson’s.”

“Jackson is so creepy, he looks like a bug with those eyeballs.” 

“But Tommy is perfect. Look at those glasses, they’re so cute. Imagine when he goes to bed he leaves them in the same place each night on his end table. His hair too, oh, I love his hair. He looks like a 90s heart throb with that hair. I love his voice too. It’s so deep,” I face Patty and see her staring blankly. “What?”

“Nothing,” she rolls over some blueberries and squishes them onto the plate. “What do you know about him?”

“Everything I could find on the internet.”

“Which includes?”

“He’s in some business frat, I don’t know, never heard of it, but,” I look over my shoulder back to Tommy. He’s still slouched over looking at something on his phone while stabbing at the remaining salad on his plate. “He’s a computer science and finance double major and from Michigan. He’s around 6 '5'’, but that’s from a height check, he seems pretty quiet and from what I’ve gathered from the grape vine, he’s pretty reserved. No one really knows him.”

“So you’ve fallen in love with a ghost?”

“No, he’s right there. Sitting so perfectly handsome. God, I wonder what he’s thinking.”

“Probably about you?”

“No, there’s no way. Right?”

“Lou, are you kidding? Of course he is. If he is a loner like you say he is, and you’re probably the only girl to talk to him, then he’s probably in love with you too.”

“How can you be sure?” I crossed my arms and spun my head back to Patty after Tommy lifted his head. “I almost made eye contact with him.”

“And he’d be lucky to catch you staring,” Patty looked over at him. “He’s looking at you.”

“At me or in my direction?”

“Both.” 

“I love that he’s taller than me. He makes me laugh and when I talked to him at that party last month, I was so sure that I wasn’t going to obsess over the boy. So sure.”

“But?”

“But then I see him walking across campus and the next thing I know I’m smiling like an idiot at my homework thinking about him. Having a crush is just too fun. I wonder what he smells like. Is that weird?”

“No, because you said it to me and I get it. Just don’t say that to your other friends, they’ll think you’re weird.”

“Do you think boys think about us as much as we think about them? Or put in the amount of effort and care that we put in?”

“No and that’s awful, but it’s the reality. I don’t think they smile when they text us and I don’t think that they talk about us the same way we talk about them.”

“See, I would find it so romantic if someone did just a fraction of what I do for someone I have a crush on. Like I stalk instagram, look for tagged images, and ask around. If someone stalked me like that I’d be flatter. Hell, imagine if a pair of boys went back and forth talking about us the way we talk about boys?”

“Like if they wondered what our favorite color was or if we’re interested in the same things we are?”

“I wonder if they would read a book because we like it or hate someone because we do?”

“The right guy should,” Patty shoved her plate forward. “Well, I’m done. I’ve got class. Will I see you later to get ready?”

“Yeah, want to go to Cat’s party tonight?”

“Sure, better than Danny’s.”

***

I was already drunk when Patty showed up at my house. My makeup was freshly applied to my face and a top two sizes too small constricted my arms. With high waisted jeans and beat up black boots, I was more than ready to go dance and mingle. 

“Hey, Pretty Lady,” I answered the door to Patty, wearing a neon green shirt and similar pants, stone cold sober. 

“Hey, Flush,” She laughed. “Baby’s a little drunk?”

“Baby’s alotta drunk. Come in, let me make you something,” I tug her inside to my kitchen. On the counter is some partially spilled vodka, lemonade, and tequila. “I can make you a vodka lemonade, a tequila lemonade, or my personal choice, we do shots!”

“Zero to Sixty is the only way, you know that,” Patty grabbed two shot glasses from the cabinet and placed them in front of me. “Do you want the glass that says “King” or the glass that says 'Free B.J.s from four to nine', both are solid options.” 

“Eh, let me have King. Wonder what happened to Queen?”

“It’s just the patriarchy making women feel like they can do shots shamelessly because of course a glass could only be labeled King.”

“Maybe,” I filled the glasses with vodka. “Down with the patriarchy.”

“What’s the toast?”

“To the boys we’ve lost,” I fake a frown. 

“Oh, come on. You want to toast to them right now? No, let’s toast to our guys. I’ll toast to Justin and you to Tommy. Even though they don’t deserve us looking like this right now,” Patty gestures between us and our ridiculously tight and exposing outfits. 

“You’re right. To Tommy, may you be safely alone tonight or run into me and fall madly in love with me or so help me, I’ll kill you.”

“And to Justin, may I talk to him tonight and get kissed goodnight,” She raises her glass to mine. 

“Or good morning,” I smile. 

“Salute!” We say together, bounce the glasses off the counter and down the liquid in one go. 

“Music?” I ask, pulling my phone from my back pocket. 

“Yes, please. Put on something fun and fill those glasses back up. I’m playing catch up and I want to be out the door by 10:45.”

“You pour and I’ll play,” I scroll through a couple of songs before deciding on some Brittinay. I can already feel how hot and red my face has gotten. The last shot rests right next to my heart making me feel like I’m on fire. I love this feeling more than anything. 

Everytime we get drunk I remember why alcoholics exist, this feeling is unmatched. It's insensitive of me to say that, but I’m invincible when I’m like this. I could get punched in the face or stabbed through the heart and I don’t think I would notice. I’m immortal like this. 

Patty was thoroughly drunk by 10:40. I had around eight shots and two mixed drinks. Patty had seven shots and was taking a mixed drink to go. Together we stumbled out of my house with arms linked and cut through the neighborhood to Cat’s house. 

When we arrived, the house was packed. If I could focus on objects, I swear the house was swaying with the music too. Windows and doors were all open as red and blue lights glowed into the dark sky. 

“Ready?” I ask, seeing my breath in front of my face. The weatherman said it’d be below freezing, but I can’t feel any chill. 

“Do or die, ya know?” Patty slurred, pulling me towards the open door. 

Inside was packed with sweating bodies. Everyone was jumping, swaying, screaming, or kissing. The music was blaring the 2010 classics and the faint smell of cigarette smoke blew in from the back doors. My boots were sliding from the damp floor as Patty and I cut our way through the crowd to the back living room area. 

Cat was wearing a sparkling silver dress then hung low on her back, surrounded by a couple of our other friends. Cat loves to host, even though that means every Monday morning in the lab, she’s gonna complain about something somebody did or how hard her house was to clean this weekend. I always offer to help her clean but she never lets me. Part of me thinks she just likes the attention of complaining and who can blame her? Who doesn’t?

“Cat!” I called wrapping my arms around her. 

“Hey Lou!” She screams back and turns to Patty. “Patty! I love the top.”

“Thanks,” Patty looks around the kitchen. You’ve got a lot of people in here this weekend. Gonna be a large pick up, remember you can always call us to come help you tomorrow,” Patty points to herself and I. 

“I’m sure it will be no big deal. Did you see Marissa talking to the freshman in the front yard? Gag me to the bone, I swear she’s so desperate.” 

“Who’s Marissa?” I ask. Looking towards the front of the house as if I could see through the house to the yard. 

“Some girl in our French class got broken up with by her boyfriend last week. She made this whole declaration about it and now only goes for freshmen. She’s a senior too.”

“It’s disgusting. Foul, even,” Cat looped her arm with Patty’s. “Let’s go watch her crash and burn.” 

“I’ll meet you out there in a few, I think I’m gonna go bum a cigarette off some boy on the porch.”

“I thought you quit, Lou,” Patty says. 

“Drunk ones don’t count, you know the rules,” I smile heading out the back doors. 

Outside stands a handful of boys, but it’s mostly other girls also asking for a drag of a free cigarette. There’s competition tonight and I’m half tempted to give up until I hear someone call my name from the far end of the porch. 

“Hey Lou, want a cig?”

It’s Tommy. It’s mother fucking Tommy and Patty isn’t hear to witness me die and go to heaven because the boy I’ve convinced myself I’m in love with, is talking to me and offering me exactly what I want. Am I winning right now? Is this the finish line and I’ve been met with the greatest moment of life? Questions to ponder sober. I mindlessly sprint over to him. 

“Yes, please, thank you, Tommy,” I smile, reaching for the cigarette. Instead he holds it up to my mouth and I wrap my lips around it. Seconds later he is holding a lit lighter as I take a big inhale to ignite it. Yes, definitely the best moment of my life. 

“How are you doing Lou?”

“Oh, fine, really nothing much. Just here to see my friend Cat, do you know Cat? Well, you must since you’re here.” 

“Yeah, I know Cat.”

“Wow, I really didn’t think you were going to talk to me.”

“What do you mean?” He smiled and leaned down towards me. His forehead was practically resting on mine. 

“I just didn’t think you would remember me from the last time we talked which was over a month ago. I’ve been so curious about you.”

“You’re curious?” His forehead is pressing mine now. 

“Yeah, I tried to find you online and ask my friends about you and no one seems to know anything about you.”

“Oh, so you’re obsessed with me?”

“No, I’m not,” I pull my head away but he steps closer. 

“Yes, you are and that’s okay.”

“Well, are you obsessed with me?” I blurt out and regret it immediately. I inhale the cigarette and stare at the floor. 

“Yes, I am.”

“Really? Then what state am I from?” My heart rises to the gods, I’ve never been so happy in my entire life. 

“I don’t know.” 

“I’m from Pennsylvania.”

“Oh,” He shrugs. 

As inconsequential as that is, we talked about that. I remember everything this boy has ever told me and he can’t remember my state. The glow I saw around him is fading and I’m starting to feel the chill in the air. 

“How many tattoos do I have?”

“You have tattoos?” Tommy raises his eyebrows. 

It turns out I’m not immortal and I will notice if I’ve been stabbed because my heart is bleeding all over this porch and I’m freezing. 

I know about his tattoos. He has seven and has two planned. A memorial piece for his dad covers his back. We talked about this for an hour. He doesn’t know anything about me. 

“Have you thought about me since the last time we talked?”

“Honestly, no. Well, maybe once,” He’s not even looking me in the eyes. He’s smiling at his friend who’s across the porch. I thought about him everyday and when I think about him too much I can’t eat, I’m nothing to him. 

“Oh, okay,” I brushed it off. He already thinks I’m obsessed with him, I can’t look crazy too. 

“You know,” Tommy leans in closer. “I think you just need to relax.”

He kisses me. His lips meet mine as his hands hold my face. For three seconds I’m warm again and everything is perfect. We’re glowing. 

When he pulls away, I look up at him like he’s the first person to ever kiss me. Tommy is looking through me with glossy eyes and the lopsided smile I have engraved in my mind. I could confidently refer to this man as my husband if I wanted to and yet, if I had a heart attack and died in front of him, it wouldn’t affect him at all. 

“Why’d you do that?” I ask after he finally makes eye contact with me.

“Because I think you’re pretty.”

“No you don’t, you think I’m a girl.”

“Well you are a girl.”

“Yes, that’s what you were thinking about. I’m some girl that you decided to kiss. You didn’t kiss me because I’m pretty or because you like me.”

“It’s just a kiss.”

“No, you kissed me because I’m a girl. And you put no thought into it. ‘Just a kiss’ is reserved for boys that think I’m pretty.”

“You’re so fucking weird.”

“You shouldn’t kiss girls unless you mean it.” With that and the remaining dignity I had left I went back through the house to find Patty and Cat laughing in the front yard. 

“Oh, there you are Lou, guess what Taylor did?”

“I don’t care.”

“What happened, Honey?” Patty turns to me fully. 

“Tommy kissed me.”

“Wow! Well, that’s amazing, it’s what you wanted right?”

“No, well, sort of. But I wanted to matter to him too. What use is kissing if it just feels like an action. There’s nothing behind it. He might as well have given me a high five.”

“Lou, every kiss doesn’t have to mean something. Just sleep with him. Then you’ll have to mean something to him, simple,” Cat cuts in. 

“You don’t have to listen to her,” Patty turns me away from Cat. “I’m sorry he isn’t the same boy that we talk about in the cafeteria.”

“No, maybe Cat’s right. I want him to care about me and I want to know that he thinks I’m pretty because it’s my face, not that I’m just a girl.”

“What are you gonna do?”

I turned towards the house and headed straight for the back porch. Still there with a new cigarette in his mouth, Tommy leaned alone looking at the sky. It’s gonna be simple and mechanical. We’re gonna glow and I’m gonna be pretty. 

***

“What happened to you last night?” Patty asks me, hungover, with a bagel and coffee in hand. 

“I slept with him.” 

“Oh,” Patty sips her coffee and clears her throat. “And?”

“Didn’t fix anything. He kicked me out before six this morning and I walked home.”

“He’s awful, Lou. He’s a terrible horrible boy that didn’t deserve you,” Patty wraps her arms around me and lays her head on my sunken shoulders. 

“That didn’t make me pretty, Patty. I don’t know how to be pretty.”