Love Unseen

At first there were hints of a sweet smell in the air, then it became stronger. With every passing second, Jamie could smell the sweet scent of warmth and perhaps vanilla and patchouli? He was not quite sure what the smell was by name, but he knew it drew closer to him and with that knowledge he became excited. Jamie knew Wendy was coming over to him. He could now feel her gently lay a beautiful, delicate hand on his shoulder and lightly squeeze.

“Can I get you anything, hun?”

Jamie had almost forgotten he was sitting at the outdoor café two blocks and 88 steps away from his apartment. He was so caught up in knowing when Wendy would come over to him, he didn’t even think of what he wanted to order.

Jamie cleared his throat and chuckled nervously, “I think I will just have a cold brew with two pumps of vanilla today.”

“Is that all? What about your usual red velvet cupcake? I saved one back for you.” Wendy said with a smile in her tone.

Jamie, a bit embarrassed, replied, “Oh, well in that case, I’ll go ahead and take it. To go, please.”

“Great, I’ll wrap it up for you. Be right back, Jamie.”

Oh, the way she said Jamie. He felt his heart race at the sound of it. It was still incredible to him that he had been coming to this café for two years now. It was one of the only places he felt comfortable walking from his apartment since he first moved to the city. He had been so scared to be on his own.

As a blind man, it was twice as hard as it would have been for a young man moving away from his parents and everything he had ever known. Everything he had counted his steps to. Everywhere he knew like the back of his hands. He had relied so much on the smells, textures, and sounds of his old life, but his new one left him feeling lost. It was a terrifying thing, but the change was good. Jamie had proved to himself and everyone else in his life that he could handle living on his own. Of course, his first few months of being alone in his new apartment were rough. He spent nights curled up in his bed in a cold sweat trying to drown out the constant and unfamiliar noise of the city below him. There had been some curve balls with learning every square inch of his apartment as well. Jamie knew there would be. There were certain boards that creaked and some that cracked louder than others. These kinds of flaws were a godsend to Jamie when learning about his environment. His disability left him with heightened senses, primal in a way. Jamie had always joked with his father that being blind made him more of a man than any of his brothers because his animal instincts were ten times stronger. His father would laugh a somewhat bittersweet sound and tousle Jaime’s soft hair like he did when Jamie was a child. Jamie knew his father would never be able to completely find his blind jokes funny or feel lighthearted about his impairment. Honestly, Jamie’s blindness was a much bigger deal to everyone else than it was to him. Sure, Jamie wanted to see. Of course, he did, but he knew he never would.

Jamie heard quick, light footsteps drawing closer, followed by that sweet, warm smell. He knew it was Wendy returning with his cupcake and coffee.

“Alright, here’s your cupcake and cold brew.” Wendy said while taking his right hand and placing it on the bag holding his cupcake and moving his left to the cold cup of coffee.

“Thank you, Wendy.” Jamie felt himself fight a smile at the sound of him saying her name. He wondered if she enjoyed the way it sounded when he said her name too.

“You’re very welcome. It’s always a pleasure. Come back and see me soon,” Jamie could hear her turn from his table and walk back to the café entrance.

He thought to himself, I’ll be back to see you, don’t worry. He laughed at himself. He never knew what to think when he said, “See you later” or “I’ll look into it.” Obviously, these were phrases people said all the time, but he still caught himself stumbling over the words when he was referring to himself. It was part of his lighthearted blind-humor he found oddly comforting.

Jamie got up from the table with his cupcake and coffee in hand. He reached around to his satchel to place the bag that held his red velvet cupcake inside; he needed his right hand for his walking stick to guide him. He decided to go back to his apartment to sit and eat his cupcake and drink his coffee in the comfort of his home. He wanted to sit on the balcony and enjoy the fresh morning air and possibly listen to an audiobook. So far, his day had been wonderful. He tried to make everyday start out with the little things he looked forward to most: good coffee, a brisk walk, and experiencing the small touches, sounds, and smells from the woman he longed for.

The next day, Jamie was awoken in a start by the obnoxiously loud doorbell. He stumbled out of bed, tripping over his walking stick. Jamie was normally not so clumsy, but the doorbell had scrambled his early-morning brain. He quickly patted himself down to make sure he was fully clothed and realized he only had his boxers on. “Damnit,” he said under his breath. He took twelve steps to the bathroom and grabbed his robe and threw it on haphazardly. He rushed to the front door, feeling his way the whole way there, not bothering to count his steps. He had forgotten his walking stick once he had nearly killed himself getting out of bed. Once he got to the door, he said much too disgruntledly, “Who is it?”

“Hi, it’s Wendy Jensen from Native Brew. Is this Jamie Sullivan’s apartment? I have his credit card, he left it at the café yesterday and I wanted to return it.”

Jamie threw open the door, his anxiousness getting the best of him. “Oh hi, Wendy! I’m so sorry for keeping you waiting. I can’t believe I left my card behind and didn’t even realize. I feel like an idiot. I’m also sorry for my appearance. The doorbell freaked me out and I tripped getting out bed and nearly answered the door half naked.” Jamie stopped himself a little too late in his rambling. She didn’t need to know all of that. Forgetting his card wasn’t the thing making him seem like an idiot now. Nice Jamie, smooth. He thought, internally kicking himself.

Wendy chuckled, an adorable sound, and said, "Don’t apologize! I was just on my way to work and thought I would drop it off. I wasn’t sure if you were coming by the café today, so I wanted to make sure it was returned to you.”

“That’s so thoughtful of you, I appreciate you stopping by. Wait, so you’re on your way to work right now so it must be like 6 a.m. I’m usually up by now, my alarm must not have gone off.”

“Any time, Jamie. So just out of curiosity, were you planning on coming by today? The café, I mean.” Jamie could hear a bashful smile in her voice.

Jamie paused for a moment before answering. “Um, I’m not sure. I was thinking about it, but I normally just come by on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday.” Jamie paused again, trying to remember what day it was. “It’s Friday today, I didn’t know you worked Friday’s.”

“I’m just covering Samara’s shift today, she called in sick. My normal schedule is still Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday.” Wendy replied in a sweet, yet coy tone.

Jamie winced at the realization. She knows. She knows I only come in on days that she works. Dear God, what is wrong with me? She probably thinks you’re a creep!  

“Haha, good to know.” Jamie winced again and internally scolded himself. Why are you saying only weird things today?

There was an awkward pause. Jamie didn’t know what else to say. He feared that whatever he said, it would be the wrong thing. That seemed to be his thing today.

Wendy broke the silence. “Hey, why don’t you make an exception and come to the café today? If you want, we can walk together. I rarely have time to talk much when I’m working so it might be nice to catch up.”

Jamie was floored. Even after making a fool of himself, she wanted to walk with him. She wanted to see him. Jamie tried not to respond too excitedly, “Oh, okay sure. That sounds nice. I just need to change into some clothes and clean up a bit. Do you have ten minutes to wait on me? Answering the door in my bathrobe is about all the embarrassment I can handle today. I’ll be quick.”

Wendy laughed out loud, “Please don’t be embarrassed, I just showed up after all. I have time, go ahead, do what you need to do. Mind if I come in and sit while I wait?”

“Of course, please come in and make yourself at home. I’ll be just a moment.”

Jamie walked quickly but carefully back to his bedroom and shut the door. He felt his way to his closet and picked through the shirts he had hung. There were several soft flannel shirts he assumed were his fall plaid shirts. Seemed appropriate for an early morning walk to the café. He chose one and a cotton t-shirt on the other side of the closet to go under it. Once he had pulled the cotton shirt on and had buttoned the flannel. He carefully walked to his dresser, 11 steps to the left. He ran his hands down the dresser to the third drawer. He opened it and pulled out a pair of jeans. He made sure to identify the brail marker on the tag he had made himself. The nice blue jeans. He confirmed. After he pulled on the jeans and a pair of socks from the first drawer, he made his way to the bathroom and felt for his deodorant, then his cologne. He made this process easy for himself by only keeping one deodorant and one cologne on the vanity at a time. A real time saver for someone in his shoes. He reached for the toothbrush and toothpaste next. The last thing for Jamie to do was to put on his shoes and run a brush through his thick tangled hair. Luckily, his shoes were by the bathroom door. He slipped them on with ease and grabbed the brush from the vanity and started to comb his wild hair. His parents had always wondered why Jamie chose to keep his hair so long. It was just one more thing to worry about. The truth was, Jamie had always liked his hair. It was what made him feel like himself, something that had never changed when everything else in his life had. He had went blind very young and the only thing he could really remember about how he looked was his hair. It was more than a visual memory, it was tangible. He knew it had been brown with slight waves of blonde running through it, but it felt like his hair. It was thick and soft with a side part. It made him feel grounded in who he was and who he had grown into. Another simple comfort that made his dark world a little more familiar.

Jamie finally was ready, he walked through the bedroom door and over to where he had last laid his keys. He picked them up from the island along with his dark shades. He heard Wendy approach him. She lightly took his arm and said, “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah I think so. Oh wait! I need to grab my walking stick. Then I’ll be ready.”

“Oh I can grab it for you, where is it?”

Jamie replied, “Oh, okay thank you. It should be by my bed. The right side I believe.”

Wendy patted his arm and left his side. She returned quickly and had his hand in hers once again, touching it to the handle of his walking stick.

Jamie wished he could have forgotten his walking stick all together and just let Wendy be his eyes. Her kind touch was something that lasted only briefly but left a lasting warmth Jamie could never get enough of. Imagine if they walked the entire two blocks and 88 steps together arm in arm, or better hand in hand. Like the couple he wanted them to be. Jamie caught himself at the end of this fantasy and realized that it didn’t have to be a fantasy. Maybe Wendy could like him as more than just an acquaintance or the loyal patron that he was of the café. After all this time, the two years he had been going to the Native Brew, Wendy was a constant in his new life. She never treated him like an invalid. She had treated him with compassion and courtesy but not in the patronizing way so many people treat those with disabilities. Jamie was all too familiar with that so it made him appreciate her kindness more, it made him want her more.

Jamie and Wendy made their way down the stairs of Jamie’s apartment, then onto the sidewalk. At first there was only comfortable silence between the two of them, they walked just close enough their arms occasionally grazed one another. Maybe it was because Jamie was blind and his senses were elevated, but every graze left him feeling a jolt of electricity between them. He wanted her and knew he had to say something. He had to take a chance.

As Jamie gathered up the courage, Wendy broke the silence. “Do you remember that day I drove you home? It was about a year and a half ago I think?”

Jamie nodded, recalling the day she was referring to. “Oh, I remember. I was having a particularly difficult day. I was lost and had tried to ground myself by sitting in the closest seat I could find. I didn’t know the city very well. As fate would have it, I sat down in the best possible place. The Native Brew. I didn’t even know that’s where I was. If I had just taken a deep breath and calmed down, I would have probably made it home on my own.”

Wendy sighed a sound of deep empathy, “That must have been so scary. I can’t even imagine that feeling. Selfishly, I’m happy you sat down. I was also having a terrible day. A rude customer yelled at me for messing up her cappuccino, I was still fairly new at the café. I don’t know what it was but seeing you there, eased something in me. It made me happy to help you. It honestly made me happy just to be near you. You’re always so calm and collected. I must admit, it really saddens me when I don’t see you come to the café. I legitimately miss seeing you. Is that weird?” Wendy paused and exhaled loudly. She was clearly embarrassed.

Jamie stopped them and reached out a hand for Wendy. “It isn’t weird at all. Wendy, I miss you every day I’m not at the café. Hell, I miss you even when I’m there and you can’t sit with me. I’m not sure why I haven’t done this the proper way before. I suppose I didn’t know if you could ever like someone like me. Being blind isn’t easy and I understand if it makes you uncomfortable, but I would really love the chance to take you to dinner. Or a walk, or honestly anything that involves being with you.”

 Wendy said nothing for a while but was still holding onto Jamie’s hand. She gave it a light squeeze then pulled him closer. She put her arms around his waist and drew him in to a warm embrace. Jamie put his arms around her in return, he could feel her warmth and could smell the faint scent of her freshly washed hair. It was lilac today. The smell was intoxicating. She felt so natural in his arms. She was about six inches shorter than him, the perfect height to rest his head on hers. She felt soft in his arms, but tone. She was everything he had imagined and more. On some level it saddened Jamie he couldn’t look into Wendy’s eyes right now and admire the beauty he knew she was, but he knew he didn’t need to see her to appreciate her or to love her. He knew everything he needed to know through her gentle touch, her poised voice, sweet smell, and stunning character.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Wendy spoke. “I’ve been waiting so long to hear you say that. I was so afraid you never would make a move because you couldn’t see me.”  

 Jamie smiled and pulled Wendy close to him again and whispered, “I’ve always seen you.”