Future self, I think I can offer..Nothing

Hey Fancy Pants. It’s me and it’s what I still call you. Why not? I spend so much time thinking about the past. My marriage, my divorce, my daughter. It is so easy to think about all that has occurred and then focus on all the ways, the many many ways, that decisions were poor and moments were not super happy. The what ifs, the why, the what could I have done. Then the natural progression of could of, should of, would of. Really, what in the hell. I hate that almost as much as I hate, it is what it is. No. Absolutely not. It is NOT what it is. That’s weak acceptable of what can be different. Well now I am thinking about the future. What should I know? Well, all of this is a moment in time that has lots of choices for lots of different moments, future moments. I was recently told that I should be an observe in my life to allow for some opportunities to not be so worried regularly. Interesting concept and maybe applicable for thinking about the future. At times in work, I will back into a challenge so that the end is the beginning and the decisions may or may not be different based on what is hopefully the outcome.

So future self, what do I want? Let’s start at the most granular. Happiness. When I say I want happiness my husband says, “ha-penis”. It makes me laugh every time and I can no longer say the word without a normal thought. Okay - clearly, I’ll find a different way to express that sentiment - which I actually want. Contentment? Not sure. I think so but in what way. In a complicit way - without fight, without drive? Not sure. Peace - oh yeah, that’s the good stuff! But can peace be completely fulfilled without some conflict? Now that is the interesting ying and yang question. Can it? Can any of these things occur without a polarizing opposite moment?

Let’s take this in a different direction. Future self, tell me a day in the life of you. Well, I think that I wake up and have few aches. I stumble for coffee. I go outside and check my plants in my greenhouse. I text a good morning to my daughter as she is successful and happy elsewhere but not too far so I can see her. I feed my cats and chickens and then what? I work? I volunteer? I’m not sure. I am not my future self yet so I don’t know what the day in the life looks like.

This is getting me nowhere. How about my life with friends? This one I absolutely know. My future self wants to have the friends I have now who are like the most beautiful snuggly blankets. I am constantly protected and kept safe. My heart remains intact and constantly filled with affection from them, and I towards them. So this one is clear. People who show up for me. But when I think future self, future self, how am I viewing my friends. How have they changed? How have a changed? Has there been a need to reevaluate and rediscover or has the relationships with each one been a never ending healthy intertwining of like minded thoughtfulness? Has anyone been removed from the fold by choice, by death, by request. Future self, there is no way to predict the future of other selves who are not you.

Hold on, hold on. There has to be something of value that I can offer my future self. But I don’t know. My whole life has been a mishmash of different dedications. I was dedicated to a career. I was dedicated to being an alternative person - minded and in dress. I was dedicated to finding what was going to be my romantic person. I was dedicated to surrounding myself with the people who made me more “real” and “authentic”. That means, in the simplest and most ridiculousness, cool. I was dedicated to leaving my home state for another because in another I would find me. I was dedicated to returning home to see my family. I was dedicated to being a mom. I was dedicated to surviving divorce. I was dedicated to making money and doing whatever needed to be done on my terms. Now, I am dedicated to ensuring my daughter is the successful version of herself. This means wanting for her what she wants for her. A job, to not feel terrible with her chronic illnesses, a home of her own, maybe even a relationship with someone. In the past, my future self never could have predicted that wish.

What is becoming very clear, future self, is that the only message that can be given is to stay open to all experiences good and bad. It is all of the experiences that are expected and more so, unexpected, that will provide the best version and guidance and advice to the future self. I have nothing to offer because all I know is the moment of now. I am content. I visit my plants everyday. I have a job that I am good at and am well respected. My daughter loves me and actually tells me - HUGE! My step daughter is in progress of acceptance and I suppose that could be considered a win. Who’s to say. My husband and I are communicating a great deal better and finally settling into a world in which we share our moments and upsets with security and without emotional landmines. Future self - enjoy the ride. Enjoy the ability to move easily with strength. Enjoy working. Enjoy books and movies. Laugh with friends. Talk to friends. Be ok with the moment in front of you. Happy, sad, angry, complete distress, overjoyed. All of these things put pits in my stomach because they are really big feelings. Try to breathe and focus on something that gives peace. The wind blowing through the bamboo. The birds. The running of the cats when they see me. The chickens following me around the coop. All of these may not be in the life of my future self but maybe they are or maybe they are something new.

Future self - have FUN!