Life's Loss

Have you ever been in such a bad place you feel it'll never end? Have you ever worked so hard to keep something you hurt yourself in the process? Have you ever wanted something so bad you didn't care what the repercussions were? As long as you got what you were looking for nothing else mattered. I fell in love with a girl when I was eighteen. It started off like any other new relationship. We first started by having conversations over social sites for sometime discussing the basics. That led to meeting up and getting a feel for that person. It was like a automatic click between us. After time we started hanging out on the regular, exposing each other to new things. The energy was so pure it was like something straight out of a love movie. As the months passed we grew closer and by the time i was nineteen we moved in together. This was something new. Spending almost every waking hour with someone can be good and bad but we made the most of it. We cooked and cleaned together. Went out shopping for the apartment. Walmart and target runs were always our thing. We chase eachother through the aisles and have the best time. The little things always mattered and we made the best of it every chance we got. On holidays we'd decorate the whole inside and out. Eating with each others families on Thanksgiving and spending the night watching movies by the fireplace around Christmas when the cold weather set in. I made sure to pack her lunches when she had to work and cleaned the entire house so that when she got off she didn't have to do anything when she came home. After long working days we sat in the warm water and listened to music sharing how our days went and when it was time to go to sleep, we never went down without saying we love eachother follwed by a kiss. Date nights were the best. I was never a romeo because of the way I grew up, but for the right person you're willing to changed whatever needs to be changed. I tried to go all out and make it the best it could be. Seeing a smile on this girls face made everything so much better for me. By the time I was twenty, life hit us and we were forced to move out of the apartment. It was just me & her. I packed the whole apartment and moved it to my grandmas house alone. She didn't want to be without me so she came with me. After I moved everything in, I promised her that I'd do all I can to make sure she had all she needed. As time continued to go on, we would have little fights as all relationships do. Words would be said and feelings were hurt but we always made sure to comfort one another when the smoked cleared. I never liked arguing and fighting with her. I felt it was me and her against the argument. I can say after being with her for so long it made me a better person. It really opened my eyes to a lot of things. Those fights started happening more frequently and got bigger and bigger after every one. I continued telling her that no matter what the argument was about I always wanted her. I always wanted to be around because ILoved her more than anything. We worked different work schedules at different places so when I was at work she was at home. When I came home she was sleeping for work the next morning. I really paid attention to all the time we weren't spending together and came to her for reassurance. She also realized it but said it was okay. We were working to get out of my grandmas house and into our own. Some days was terrible. The room was filled with silence while we were together. Some days we'd sit on our phones and not say a word. Conversations got shorter and responses weren't the same. I would sit up at night wondering what was going on. I would often think about the wrong things. All I could think about was she's going to leave one day I can feel it. I never liked thinking this because I never wanted her to leave me. We were eleven months into being at my grandmas house, one year and nine months into our relationship. We had a argument one night over the phone and I could tell something was really wrong. When I came home from work that night, she was sitting on the couch. I looked over and saw that everything she owned was packed up. I felt so many emotions at once it was too much for me to handle. I walked outside to get some air and process what I saw. I walked back in and asked what was going on but didn't get a response. She get in bed and went to sleep. I went and sat outside distraught at what was going on. After an hour I went back inside and laid down next to her. I wrapped my arm around her as I knew this probably was the last time. I laid in the dark for hours replaying the worse scenarios possible. It was so much for me to handle I didn't know how to feel. I ended up falling asleep but that wasn't long. The next morning she got out of bed asking why I was sleep next to her. After an hour, I heard a noise and looked up. She was taking all of her things she packed to her car. I sat in disbelief. She picked up the last basket and before she could walk out I asked her for one last hug. She looked and relied "I'm not yours anymore", before walking out. I could feel my heart shattering with every breath I took. I trailed behind her as she walked out and watched her put the last basket in the car. She took a deep breath before getting in. I wanted so much to change within that moment. She looked at me for a brief moment before wiping her eyes and pulling off. It felt like I had a car sitting on my chest. It was so hard to breathe so hard to process what was happening. I walked back into our room and it felt so empty. There was no trace of her anymore. The only thing that was left was our photo booth picture and a ring I gave her. I didn't know how to feel. Just three days ago I sat and looked around the whole room and felt like the end was near. Everything that I knew was going to be gone was gone. I was living in the moment that I never wanted to be in. The only thing I can do now is wish I did things differently. I wish I would have hugged her longer. I wish I would have held her tighter. I wish I would have kissed her like it was the last time because the last time was the last time and I had no idea. This is the story of a boy who yerns for the greatest loss in his life.