The Totem's Promise

Snow spun through the air, streaks of white blurring his vision. A dash of red meant he was close by to Sarah. A pain at the back of his neck hinted at his slouch. Anytime he’d try to stand the wind would push him back down and all the strength was going to his legs, so he kept going up the mountain.

    “On a hot summer day, what flavor of ice cream would you choose?” Tom asked, his voice hoarse.

    She didn’t slow. She’d prepared for this hike for months with diligence. First it was the yoga club, then the neighborhood running group. He did the same routines with a sense of duty that might have faltered whenever the Giants had a new game on.

More huffs of exhaustion.

    “I’d probably pick chocolate. You know me.” He looked up. The sun was behind the peak they were ascending and so it looked far too bright. He looked down again. “I could kill for a coffee right about now huh?”

    “Yea sure.” He thought that would have made her laugh. Inside jokes almost always worked. Well, he thought to himself, she was always better at being the bright one.

    “We’re here.” He looked up, to see a dark hole in the mountain. A few more steps and he could see the metal spikes below and above the cave mouth. He almost imagined divots in the layer of snow above it that would be the eyes. It looked like a place some characters in a movie would go into and never come out.

    “We don’t have to do this,” Tom said. He regretted the words as soon as he said them because she pushed on with even more vigor.

    They entered the mouth of the cave. It was only a few feet tall, so they had to half walk half crawl into it.

    It opened up into a wider space that led further down to a door. Stairs weather down to nubs led the way.

    “Now we wait,” Sarah said. He didn’t have to ask what for. She drilled the content of the map into his head. Climb the mountain. Find the spot. Wait for the sun to shed light on the door and open it to find the totem. He tried to ignore the parts where she said to go on even if she couldn’t make it.

    The hollow cave didn’t have any spare space, so they had to sit on the downward slope. It made for an uncomfortable sitting experience of feeling like one might slide down.

    She lit a lantern.

    In the light he could see snot running down her nose and the wrinkles around her eyes.

    She breathed out a huff of breath and it came out in a white cloud. No more wind inside the cave to whip it away.

    He began to take off the bulky jacket keeping him from massaging his aching shoulder.

    “You’ll catch a cold.”

    “Everything hurts and this thing is uncomfortable.” He took it off, and realized it was the first thing she said to him in months that wasn’t about finding the totem. Regret squeezed his stomach. Her gaze shot away and that cold look that had nothing to do with the snow returned.

    “Sammy should be going to bed soon. She’s got a soccer game tomorrow.” He rubbed his shoulder and looked at the lantern like one might try and look at a fire. But it was the wrong shade of brightness and put a spot in his eyes. He looked at the ceiling. “James said he’d feed the dog. I hope he’s not lying again.”

    “I told you to stay focused.” He tried to get angry at her. Maybe resent her for not being there for her family while she had the chance. But how could he? He felt he had the world to say to her, but couldn’t find the words.

    He tried to be silent. He closed his eyes and tried to remember when the two of them would just sit and feel like they’d been drawn closer in silence. He tried it now.

    “You can’t change, Thomas.” If she said his full name he knew she was being serious. “I hope you know that. For them,” She told him. She sniffled and rubbed the snot from her nose. He grabbed a towel from his pack and offered it to her. She always ended up crying whenever she got to talking like this. Instead, she just wiped her nose and stared out the cave mouth.

    “I think I couldn’t help but change. Without you there it’ll change.”

    “Yes, but I’ll still be there, won’t I? the totem will change that.” Sarah pulled out the map from her bag and just stared at it. A habit she’d recently developed. Its edges glinted gold even in the dark. They purchased it from someone in the bad part of town that they never went into. He wished it was a scam so this wouldn’t happen.

    How to say that her presence could never be replicated by a cold stone? That her voice in the morning yelling at everyone to clean up their messes would be a song he’d never hear again. But no one actually talked like that without sounding stupid so again he said nothing.

    Night came quickly without any more words.

    He’d fallen into a half-sleep half-wake state for the most of it.

    “Wake up!”

    A push on his shoulder. He stood up in a rush, almost falling over. Ahead of them was a long hall, with burning torches lining the way. Holes dotted all four sides of the hall.

    “Where are we?” Tom asked.

    “I don’t know. The map never mentioned what was inside the cave, except for the Totem.”

    “What do we do now?” He asked. He noticed her eyes were bloodshot. Either from tears or sleep deprivation he couldn’t tell. She stepped closer to the hall.

Then she sprinted.

    It was a flash of brown and the sound of stone falling. Dust blocked his view of her, and he couldn’t see a spot of red. She was gone.

    The groans and creaks continued for a moment then stopped. When the dust cleared he could see her red winter coat on the other side.

    “I’m okay.” She coughed, choking on the dirt.

    He breathed out a sigh of relief.

    The hall was incomplete now. Bits of it led down into darkness, far deeper than he cared to inspect. The holes where the arrows came out of were gaping wide now. Bits of stems and arrow heads littered the ground. If he wanted to cross, he’d have to jump across the pitch black.

    He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He had no idea what he was doing here, but he knew she was on the other side so he sprinted.

    A blur of fire and a scream later he crashed into the wall at full speed.

    The world spun and when it righted itself she was there. He made it.    

    “Let’s go.” She moved forwards without waiting for him. As he looked up, he could see the entrance to an open room. Only a half-open stone door blocked the way.

    She began shoving the rock to the side. He helped push and felt it pivot.

    In the center of a room was a pedestal with a stone.

    It was horribly ordinary. Nothing like the statue of a creature with five eyes and no arms. No, it was just a lump of stone that resembled the letter t.

    “Are we sure this is it?”

    She stepped closer, examining it.

    “Unless you can explain the hallway of death and the map being right, then yea. This is it.”

    They approached it.

    “Grab the stone and place your thoughts into it. It will be your thoughts,” she said. They were passages from the back of the map. The map didn’t mention how much it changed someone. She reached for the stone.

    “Wait.” His heart was beginning to race. He didn’t want to lose her before her time. Doctors said she’d still have a few months.

    “You know we can’t,” her hand hovered just above it.

    “But it won’t really be you, will it? It’s basically an old computer that maybe says what you would have said.” His voice was beginning to crack. “And you’ll still be dead.”

    She stepped closer to him and grabbed his hands. He felt a warmth. It was filled with worry and care. Something like the warmth they’d felt when they first sent their daughter to school. She didn’t look him in the eye but he saw something. He was wrong.

    “You never changed, did you? You’ve been just as scared as me this whole time. But it’s because you’re still you that you’ve made it this far.” He felt a fool for not realizing it. Years of being married and he still had yet to really figure her out. He scrambled for the answer. “Listen, we can still go back. And I promise I won’t change. Just don’t do this.”

    He grabbed her face and lifted her eyes up to him. They were wet with tears. With all the words he felt he could never say, he said,

    “Please.”

    She glanced towards the stone.

    “You don’t have to be afraid. You’re not alone. I’m sorry I didn’t realize how you felt before.”

    “I don’t know how to face them.”

    “Together.”

    *

    They arrived in their driveway.

    Already the kids were peeking out of the window, and the dog was barking.

    He shut the engine off. She breathed in a sharp breath as they all ran out to greet them.

    He gripped her hand tight, a promise she wasn’t alone.