It Always Means You're Fired

“Who left the coffee pot empty?”

Robert rushed past the Monday morning finger pointing. Every morning, he remembered to thank all the gods for making him hate the taste of the bitter beverage. It left him free from the near daily tantrums when the uncaffeinated may need to wait the few minutes for a new pot to brew.

He stowed his bag in his drawer and placed his water bottle on his desk ready to fire up his computer and escape into his projects.

Most days, he listened to his podcasts while composing date from his testers. Most people hated the tasks, but his brain thrived in lining up all the information and creating readable reports for their weekly meeting.

He nodded to a few of his closer coworkers as they hired to their desks to login on time. Headphones on, he hit the power switch ready to dig in for the morning.

He opened his software and lined up the tabs to his preferred order. After, he checked his email for any new projects assigned to him.

That’s when he saw the email marked *URGENT* from the boss. Emails directly from the boss were rare. Most information ran down the hill from him to the supervisors to the project leads.

He clicked it open and gulped.

Meeting scheduled today 4:30 pm. If conflicted, cancel other.

Robert tried to discretely look around the cubical farm to see if anyone else showed any sign of getting such an email. No one else appeared to have their stomach by their feet and their heartbeat racing behind their eyes.

He tapped the arm of his chair wondering just why his boss wanted to see him today. They never interacted.

He looked over at a group of coffee chatters and had an idea. He stood and moved toward their herd.

‘Play it cool,” he thought to himself. ‘Don’t give yourself away.’

He positioned himself into the cluster and smiled jovially as the others laughed at whatever was just said.

“Robert, nice to see you away from the desk,” Kathy, the office manager said saluting him with her coffee mug.

He forced his smile to stay in place. “Yeah, thought I might say hi.” He felt awkward as hell but he needed to know information.

“Hi,” one of the guys from accounting said smiling. “Have a good weekend?”

He cursed in his head but gave some vague answers to their small talk. He waited for someone to bring up work and ten minutes in, the opening came.

“If I have another meeting with the marketing team, I swear, I will staple my tongue for the time off.”

The group chuckled and Robert made his move. “Yeah, the meetings, man. Sometimes, I am not even sure why I am there. Anyone else feel that way?”

They all nodded. “Um, all of them,” Kathy said with an eye roll. “Even the ones I have to lead.”

Robert, despite his anxiety, laughed with them. Kathy seemed to be a pretty funny lady.

“It’s a weird mix sometimes, but has anyone ever met with the big boss?”

He used the nickname he heard around the office and watched as most everyone shook their heads. Kathy nodded. “Yeah, I have to attend the supervisors’ meetings to make sure we have everything they need. An email with a list would be far less painful.”

He deflated. No one admitted to being called in by their boss. That meant one of two things, this was completely out of the norm or it was disciplinary. No one would ever admit getting written up without distress. At least, he would never.

He stayed a few more minutes to avoid being obvious and made his way back to his desk. He began frantically searching his emails for anything that could point to him why he was meeting with his boss.

The morning flew by as he found absolutely nothing to explain this meeting. He blinked and looked around to see everyone standing up to take their lunch.

He joined a group for lunch, and they only succeeded in increasing his concern. One talked about firings always happening at the end of the day so other employees are not thrown off when the person is escorted out. 

Escorted out? Like he was some thief they have to send security to detain? This was insane. He never did anything wrong. He wasn’t a time thief like everyone else. He didn’t sit around drinking coffee for an hour in the morning or take a smoke break halfway through the morning. He got in and got his work done.

Another person said that the big boss liked to take meetings at the end of the day so he can get a good day’s work out of the exiting employee.

No matter what was said, it all came back to end of day meant end of job.

Of course, no one had any firsthand knowledge. Well, not even secondhand knowledge. It was all “I heard of this one guy…” or “So and so told me about this one time…”

He made it back to his desk with five minutes to spare for his lunch, a habit he followed the entire two years at this company, he reminded himself bitterly.

He decided to pull up his resumé and started updating the information. He spent a good hour on the format and getting it looking perfectly professional. If they wanted to fire him, he would be ready. He checked out job hiring sites to see if anything was listed that he could apply.

Kathy actually stopped by his desk at one point and invited him to happy hour with “the gang”. He gave a noncommittal answer and went back to his screen. One conversation and now they were friends? Geeze.

 Lost in thought, he jumped when his phone began vibrating in his pocket. He looked and saw the alarm he set for ten minutes before his meeting time.

He sent all his personal files to his cloud account and turned off his computer. Sighing, he trudged across the farm to the long hallway to the big boss’s office.

He practiced his speech in his head. “You’re firing me? I’m the best analyst you’ve got. You will never get the kind of work I do from anyone else.”

He nodded to himself. That was it. They were going to know they made a mistake by the time he walked out of the building. His work for two years spoke for itself.

He stopped in front of the boss’s assistant’s desk and just waited. She looked up and smiled warmly at him.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Wash. Mr. Carter is ready for you.”

He nodded curtly and entered the office. It was much simpler than he expected. In his mind, he walked into some chrome and white tacky modern office that showed everyone he had all the money and none of the taste.

Robert grunted. Disappointing but unimportant.

“Ah, Robert. Thank you so much for coming in today. Did you have to cancel anything?”

He shook his head. “No.”

He refused to make this any easier on the man.

“Well, I bet you are wondering why I called you into my office. Please sit and let me explain.”

Robert sat tense. Mr. Bossman was sitting back in his leather chair smiling like a goon. Only jerks enjoy firing good employees.

“I wanted to let you know I have noticed how much you keep to yourself. You come in, you work, and you leave.”

“Something wrong with that?” he asked defensively.

His boss blinked. “Not at all. I commend your work ethic.”

“Ok,” he drew out, wondering what the hell was happening now.

His boss stood and rounded the desk. “I’ve been attending some conferences recently and it has come to my attention that I have neglected an important aspect of the company.”

Robert stared in surprise.

His boss sat down in the chair next to him on the same side of the desk. “I’ve neglected moral.”

“Moral?” Robert repeated completely and utterly confused.

“Yes. I mean, I did the good things, I think. I fought the board for raises and bonuses for everyone. I have made sure we had an above average PTO and sick leave package.”

Robert nodded woodenly. “I would agree.” He could not say anything against the statement. It was true.

“I want to build a better moral and wellness program. I want people to come in and feel like they matter here. But I can’t do it on my own.”

Robert blinked. “Um, you want my help?”

His boss smiled. “I absolutely do.”

Robert could not stop his laugher. “Are you serious?”

His boss nodded.

“But you just said I’m a loner.”

His boss crossed his arms and sat back. “Exactly. I’m forming a committee and I need you on it. Not, heading it, so you can stop yourself from running away,” he said with a chuckle. “I need people of all varieties to help build programs that benefit all the staff. But if I simply took volunteers for the committee, I would have a group full of extroverts ready to make everyone do the conga every morning.”

Robert cringed.

His boss snapped. “Exactly. I need you input.”

He stood and offered his hand. “So, Robert, what do you say?”

Robert stood and took his boss’ hand. “I would like to help keep the dancing to a minimum. Thank you.”

His boss laughed and led him to the door. “Thanks for that. By the way, I will be joining the team tomorrow for Martin briefing. I really appreciate your reports. They make are very good in helping us get to the nitty gritty.”

“Thanks,” Robert mumbled and rushed back to his desk.

He sat down and stared at his powered down computer.

SHIT!!

In preparing to be fired, he completely forgot to do any work today.