Inspirational Ingredients

Not to long ago did I realize I was missing a major part of my life. Most of you probably don’t even realize you’re missing it either this was the same for me. It took me literally missing one thing to realize the what I was actually letting pass me by. Alright I am going to attempt to write about this experience just because I feel it is such an obvious discovery that is easily over looked. Honestly I am in a creative field but this writing thing is not for me so I don’t know how to start this so I’m just going to start.

Well I was in the kitchen at the restaurant and I was just messing around trying to make a new dish because well it’d would be an honor to have a dish featured on the menu. This was like my fourth or fifth day working on the actual cooking aspect I spent probably a month or more just planning and doing minor experiments just trying to figure what fit and what didn’t. This had been eating away at me for awhile because all of the other chefs that were similar in time and skill to me had gotten a dish featured and I still hadn’t nothing I did was right there was always something wrong or just off about the dish. This wasn’t the first dish I had tried to make or submit but everytime it just came up short so, this time I was set on making this absolutely perfect. Honestly I got lost in the dish I spent almost every waking moment thinking about it trying to make it transformative and absolutely perfect. I’d work the line during the day and once we were closed for the night I’d offer to clean then whole kitchen as long as I got to use for awhile and then I’d spend hours on end trying one thing after another. I ended many days a with more hours in the kitchen then spent anywhere else. Looking back I was in shambles I don’t know how I kept going I think the only thing driving me was the adrenaline from service and pure unbridled rage. Half the time its a blur and I don’t even remember what I was doing that day. Almost every waking moment was about that dish. 

What really sent me down to rock bottom was one night in paticular probably a month after I started spending my extra time in the kitchen. It was right after closing and I could just taste it I was so close there was only one thing missing and I couldn’t place it. While I was preparing to work on it one of my coworkers had said something along the lines of “Hey man are you gonna just keep dancing around or are you actually gonna turn something in for once.” I couldn’t believe it how could he say something like that when he had to have done the same thing to get his dish in. Honestly I truly regret how I reacted. I used some less than family friendly words in my response and I don’t want to get reported on my first post so a simple sum up is “How about you go eat a (cake), the only reason you were hired here in the first place is because of your uncle” as I said I was harsh and really regret it we had been friends for awhile now and never once did I look at him as if he didn't deserve to be here the same as anyone else especially me he taught me a lot of the basics. His response was as always ever composed “Hey man I didn’t mean anything by it maybe you should take a break and just come out with us for a few drinks”. Clearly not ready to accept a life raft I just turned my head and went back to work. Honestly I can’t begin to explain how different things would’ve have been for me if I would’ve just gone with him that night. Honestly I don’t what I tried that night I just know that was the worst one yet it was bitter and just gross honestly I almost just gave up. It was so bad I just figured I was never supposed to be anymore than just a line chef and that was all. But if there was one thing I maintained it was perseverance and the next day I went and did the same thing. This time he didn’t even bother to poke his head in and ask how it was going. My honest thoughts were good riddance its not like I’ll be here much longer anyway after I get my dish on the menu. So yet again I went back to throwing everything I could together trying to make some meaningful progress and yet again everything fell flat. I repeated every step just changing just one thing even the smallest detail like a temperature difference, I was getting desperate and it was starting to show. I hardly had gotten any sleep that night because I didn’t get back till 5 in the morning and my shift starts at 11:00am. 

 It was kind of obvious that I was dragging behind because even after rolling in late the other chefs still looked at me with a level of disbelief unporportionate to a slightly late arrival. Granted I can’t blame them looking back now I hadn’t had the time to shower the kitchen grim off for almost a week now and even if I did it would’ve been caked back on in just a day. Between the level of grim and just the general unkemptness it’s a wonder how much a determined mind will ignore till the goal is meant. Nonetheless I was oblivious to this and figured the worst about my fellow chefs. My knee jerk reaction was to assume they were out for me possibly going to try to get me fired so I just tried to get the work done and keep my head down. That didn’t last long because similar to a shaken bottle it only took a slight twist to blow off my lid. All this twist was a of handed remark about from one of my closest friend in the kitchen and even outside of it too. I had known her for almost five years now and never had I lost it this bad on her before. All she said was “Hey, man do you ever go out and have fun anymore, it seems all you do is just work?” Honestly I don’t know why I lost it but something in me just snapped. “Hey MAN, while your out wasting your time ‘having fun’ I’m actually trying to move up in the world and be useful.” God did I sound like a pretentious jerk I don’t even recognize that guy looking back. What made it ten times worse was the fact that after doing that all she said was “ok””sorry to bother you” she was holding it together but even through the skewed view I could see the tears welling up and something about that was a punch to the gut. I could just see her desperate attempts to maintain some semblance of composure. After I didn’t say anything in the first few seconds she quickly spun and left. I started questioning what I was even doing if I even was good enough to be where I was now. I knew I wasn’t there was a reason nothing I tried work. I figured I give it one last hoorah and then turn in my uniform tomorrow if it didn’t work out. So that night I tore the whole kitchen apart spices were left astray a layer of grim covered every surfaces and I still hadn’t made any progress it was over there wasn’t anything else I could do. I had started to clean up when from what I could assume was the only friend I hadn’t pushed away came in with the other two and said “Hey, were not going to pull you away from your work but we’re worried about you, you’ve never acted like this before why don’t you just take a break for awhile and work on it in a couple weeks. We’ll help you clean up and then we can go out and get drinks and just unwind does sound ok?” I was already done I had already given up so there was no harm in getting the extra help to clean up and have one fun night before having to go back out and look for a new job. So even though it was reluctantly I agreed they helped clean up and we went out for drinks. It was probably the best night I have had in months now I didn’t realize just what I was missing I forgot about why these people were my friends to begin with. Honestly the kitchen was the last thing on my mind that night. Honestly I don’t think words can truly explain what I mean. 

However even though I had a late night I still had to wake up and go in because I’m not just going to stop showing up I wanted to give my two weeks and have the chance to say goodbye to the family ignored for the past few months. I forgot how fun it was to be in the kitchen the energy and connection between everyone. I was going to miss all of this. That same day I opted to stay later to help clean up and while cleaning out the fridge I noticed a familiar dish. It was my dish just sitting in the refrigerator resting. It didn’t need to be a warm dish so I figured I try it and it hit me it was perfect. All this time I was searching all I had to do was to take a step back and rest.