Everything in common, nothing to lose

We started to communicate by email just a few weeks after I joined the Facebook group. We just hit it off. We seemed to have so much in common. I knew she was a bit nervous about giving me her email address but I explained that it would be safer and more secure than using the messenger function on Facebook. For me it felt that we were moving to a new stage in our relationship. Friends? More than friends?

Friday 6.23pm

I had to change a lightbulb this morning. It is the first time since John died. He always used to change the lightbulbs. He did everything like that. But I managed to do it. I was so proud of myself. Then I sat on the sofa with a cup of tea and cried my eyes out. It is always the little things that get me. I can cope with the big things but I can’t cope with the little things. I miss him so much. I’m never going to get used to this.

Friday 6.25pm

I know exactly what you mean. For me it is the cooking. Mary did everything in the kitchen. How can anyone be so useless in the kitchen? How can you get fish fingers wrong? Burnt every time. I can make toast. I can boil an egg. And I’ve worked out how to turn the microwave on. But I’m all at sea since she died. Mary was a wonderful cook.

Sunday 11.05am

I had to call out an emergency plumber yesterday evening because the kitchen sink was blocked. It cost a fortune. It only took him 5 minutes. But he charged me so much that I felt like a fool. After he went I just sat on the sofa and wept.

Sunday 11.06am

I know exactly what you mean. For me it is buying clothes. I needed a new shirt to go to a charity-fundraising event. I was in Marks and Spencers for 90 minutes and came out without buying anything. Then I went in a charity shop and got something but when I got home I realised that it was the wrong size. Mary always had great taste in clothes.

Tuesday 7.06pm

Sorry that I didn’t email yesterday but my computer went wrong. I had to take it to the shop in the high street and they fixed it. Apparently my email protection software was out of date. John would have known exactly what to do. When I got home I sat on the sofa and tried not to cry.

Tuesday 7.07pm

I know exactly what you mean. For me it is all our finances. Mary used to pay all the bills.  I’ve got behind with the council tax. I got mixed up with the electricity bill and paid too much. I’m still paying for something called Netflix, whatever that is. Mary was a financial whizz.

Saturday 9.24am

My best friend hasn’t called me since the funeral. It is four months. I don’t know what to do. How can she just desert me when I need her? It is breaking my heart.

Saturday 9.25am

I understand. If you want my advice, I think you need to make new friends. You need to create a new routine that builds on the old routine and that acknowledges what you have lost. You were so brave to join the Facebook group. While Margaret was alive I never bothered with Facebook but my bereavement counsellor suggested trying new things and I am glad that I did as I wouldn’t have met you, would I?

Saturday 9.35am

Margaret? I thought your wife was Mary?!!

Saturday 9.36am

Don’t worry, I’m not getting dementia. My GP says I’m in good shape for a man of 62. I just typed the wrong name by mistake. Margaret is my sister. She lives in Scotland. She’s a widow now. Her husband dropped dead from a heart attack on New Year’s Day.

Sunday 10.03am

An amazing thing has happened. I was sitting in the garden this morning enjoying a cup of tea and a bowl of porridge. It is the first time that I’ve made porridge since John died. I just couldn’t do it. But I thought I have to be brave. And as I was sitting there a robin came down and perched on the seat of the bench and looked at me. Then he flew away. I knew it was a message from John. It was John saying, don’t worry darling. And I knew that wherever John is, he’s happy. John always loved robins. Whenever he saw one it made him smile!

Sunday 10.04am

Wow. What an amazing coincidence! Robins were Margaret’s favourite birds. I think your Jim and my Margaret would have got on like a house on fire!

Tuesday 6.25pm

Sorry I’ve not been in touch for a couple of days. An awful thing has happened. My best friend rang me up. And she told me that she has bowel cancer. That’s why she hasn’t been in touch since John’s funeral. She didn’t want to upset me. She didn’t want to burden me with her news. We spent two hours on the phone, both of us weeping buckets.

Tuesday 6.30pm

You poor thing. My heart is just breaking for you. I just want to be able to comfort you and support you and make everything right for you. I’m sending you a virtual hug. You may not feel ready for this yet but perhaps we could swap phone numbers? I could give you a call? We could have a proper conversation?

We swapped numbers. I was glad that she had agreed to do this. It marked a new stage in our relationship. It felt like the start of something meaningful. It was what I had been hoping for.

To be on the safe side I had given her the number of the new mobile which I had purchased at the weekend. I had to be careful. I didn’t want my wife to find out….