DO ME A FAVOR… DELETE THAT LAST MESSAGE

“Hi, this is Amy. I’m away from my phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

(BEEP)

“Hey…It’s me! I really need to talk to you!! I’m freaking out!!! I don’t know what to do! I don’t think I slept at all last night!! My head is killing me. I can’t think clearly… actually, what I think is that I’m still drunk?!

To be honest… I don’t know what the hell happened!?

Wait… Oh god… I think I’m going to throw up again.

(Retching sound)

Sorry about that. Anyway, I really need to tell you about last night…

You know that guy Todd I’ve been seeing for about a month now. The one I met on Hinge. That dating site YOU put me on… without me knowing. You said it had been several months since I ended it with Steve, and it was in my best interest to get back out there. You said you were doing me a “big favor”!!

Well, Todd and I had tentative plans to meet up last night. I got a text from him yesterday morning asking if I would mind coming his way. As you know, we live about 30 minutes apart and he is always coming to me. I told him that was fine, I didn’t mind.

The truth is I preferred it. I was planning on ending things with him last night but figured I could at least get some free drinks and dinner out of it first. He suggested we meet at some new restaurant he had heard great things about. We agreed to meet there at 7:00pm.

(Huge sigh)

I should have just stayed in. When it was time for me to start getting ready, I thought about canceling. Then when every outfit I tried on made me feel fat or frumpy, I wrote out a text… but… for some reason… I didn’t push “send”. Oh, how I wish I had just pushed “send”.

I finally settled on a pair of jeans and that black top I have. You know the one that makes my boobs look great. Oh, and I wore those amazing peacock feather earrings you gave me for my birthday! But more about those later…

…it was about 6:45pm when I was finally walking out the door.

So, then I was flying down the freeway and realized I was going well over the speed limit just as I noticed the flashing lights behind me. I pulled off and adjusted my top hoping that might help! Hell, I figured it couldn’t hurt. This ruggedly handsome cop comes to my window. I would guess he was in his mid-forties. A couple of decades older than me, just the way I like them. He asked me if I knew how fast I was going… and… if I realized that my tags were expired. I lied and said “no” to both questions. I noticed he glanced down my shirt a couple times as he was writing. He finally said he was going to let me go with a warning as he handed me a piece of paper. It had his name and number on it. Classic right??

That black top never lets me down…

…so now due to Officer Handsome and some Friday traffic, it was nearly 7:45 pm when I scurried into the new hip and happening restaurant. I quickly spotted Todd sitting at a table near the back. He stood up to greet me and pulled out my chair. He is sweet and sort of cute, but I just don’t see us going anywhere. I sat down and was starting to apologize for being late when our waiter walked up.

I didn’t look at him right away. I was checking out the cocktail list. The glass of wine I had while I was getting ready had worn off by then. When I did finally turn, to ask a question about a particular drink called the “Pink Panty Dropper Punch”, I think my jaw literally dropped open. Have you ever seen one of those cartoons where the character’s eyes bulge out, their jaw drops open, and their tongue rolls out when they see someone attractive. That was me when I saw the waiter. Girl he was gorgeous… absolutely gorgeous!

I was suddenly very aware of the way he was looking at me. It was kind of intense, almost as if he was taking a mental picture. It was uncomfortable and exciting at the same time. He said his name and he asked if I would like something to drink.

Now you know me, and I am not someone who usually has any problem with carrying on a conversation, let alone answering a simple question, but I swear… I was at a total loss for words. I couldn’t speak. I literally pointed to something on the list. Pointed!!! I didn’t even know what I was pointing to!?

After that I awkwardly excused myself to the bathroom. Within the safe confines of the stall, I popped an Ativan. I know I said I was going to lay off them, but it was just 0.5mg and I needed something.

When I got back to the table my “mystery drink” was waiting for me but where the gorgeous waiter went was another mystery. I didn’t want to be obviously looking for him. I took several sips before making eye contact with Todd. Poor guy, he looked equally concerned and confused. I continued apologizing in between sips and we eventually segued into some small talk.

So, you are not going to believe this, just as I was beginning to relax guess who I saw…

… STEVE!!!! Yes… that Steve. My Steve. Well… mine until I found out he was married. Oh, and she was there too. Yup, he was with his wife. They were there, just a few tables over. You want to know the worst part?? He looked good. He looked SO good!

I couldn’t handle it. I had to get out of there immediately! I found myself, once again, apologizing to Todd. I mumbled something about suddenly feeling ill. It wasn’t a lie. I kept my head down as I quickly pushed back my chair and stood up. I didn’t see that the gorgeous waiter was passing right behind me. He had a tray full of drinks and as they all crashed on to the floor, every person in that restaurant turned to look… including Steve!

I didn’t know what to do… I was panicking!

So… I ran right out of there.

I jumped in my car and peeled out of the parking lot. I pulled out right in front of Ford-150, forcing the guy to slam on his brakes and lay on his horn. Girl, I’m crying and shaking uncontrollably at this point, and I knew I needed to pull over and try to calm down.

There was a bar right next to the restaurant. I pulled into the nearly empty lot. I popped another Ativan. I sat there, waiting for it to kick in so I could drive myself home. I just kept thinking about Steve. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn’t. I kept thinking about how good he looked and how beautiful his wife was. Next thing I knew…

…I was walking into the bar.

I hope you’re not judging me right now. You can’t! You are my best friend, and you know everything that I’ve been through. I just thought a quick stop at the bar might help me get my mind off things.

I beelined it to a stool and ordered two shots of Patron, one shot for each year I wasted with Steve. Then I ordered a Cadillac margarita. Then… two more shots and then… another margarita. That last margarita was courtesy of the bartender… he said he liked my top…

… that black top never lets me down.

Over an unknown amount of time the bar was getting packed, so I stumbled out of there before I embarrassed myself. More… before I embarrassed myself more.

I remember climbing into my car and laying the seat back and then the next thing I knew I woke up and it was just after 12:30am. I was still feeling drunk and was contemplating calling an Uber when guess who I saw walk out of the bar…

…the waiter!!! The gorgeous waiter from the restaurant. I was struggling to put my seat up and accidentally bumped the horn which caused him to look AND start walking my way.

Now, this is the beginning of the terrifying turning point of the whole evening!

I should have just stayed home…

…but I didn’t. I didn’t and I was going to try and make the best of it. My buzzed brain said see what can happen with the gorgeous waiter.

I got out of the car, full of liquid courage, and said “hi”. Way more than I had said in the restaurant.

He grinned as he continued to walk towards me. God he was sexy!! He confirmed he remembered me from earlier and asked me what I was doing there, and I proceeded to tell him all about my evening. He laughed… he laughed a lot but I’m guessing the look on my face made him stop. He said he was sorry and didn’t mean to laugh it was just such a crazy story. I kind of laughed then too because it was. He said I shouldn’t go home yet because my story needed a better ending. He said he lived about five minutes away and I should come have a drink with him there. So…

… I did. As he opened the car door for me, he told me he liked my top and earrings.

Ok girl, if you weren’t judging me before, I’m sure you are now.

I got in his car…

… I need to stop here for a minute and admit that I got a little weird feeling at this moment. Like, what I was doing was a bad idea. I ignored it.

After what felt like about 10 to 15 minutes, not five, we were pulling up to this beautiful home but then we drove around to the back where there was a detached casita. This is where he lived. I think I could find it again if I had to.

The second I walked in there, the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. There wasn’t an apparent reason to be scared, but I was. He asked what I wanted to drink. I told him I’d have whatever he was having. The place was sparse but clean. He said he just moved in a couple weeks ago. From where I was standing, I could see a small kitchen and there was an open door that looked like it led to a bedroom.

I took a seat on the couch and noticed a polaroid camera and a few remote controls on the coffee table. He joined me a couple minutes later with two drinks in hand. He offered me one and said he hoped vodka and soda was ok. I accepted it and found myself drinking it a little faster than I intended. It wasn’t long before I started to feel weird… I knew something was wrong and I knew I was in trouble.

I remember I asked him if I could use his bathroom.

I remember popping another Ativan.

I remember peeing and realizing there wasn’t any toilet paper.

I remember looking under his sink and not finding any.

I remember opening and rummaging through a drawer where I found a few polaroids.

I remember trying to make out what I was looking at.

I remember dropping them when I realized what I was looking at.

I remember him suddenly knocking on the door and asking if I was ok.

I remember him busting the door open.

I remember he had a gun in his hand.

I remember screaming, standing up and trying to get past him.

I remember some sort of struggle…. And then…

I remember nothing.

I woke up a little before 7:00am. I was in my car in a Target parking lot. My black top was ripped. One of the earrings you gave me was missing. I was covered in blood. I looked through my phone, I saw I had a one-minute outgoing call to Officer Handsome around 3:30am. I turned on my car, thinking I should drive to the nearest police station, when I noticed my trunk was slightly open. I got out to close it…

Guess what I found in my trunk… a gun and the waiter. THE FUCKING GORGEOUS WAITER!!!!!!! I don’t know what happened, I don’t know how he got there, and I really don’t know what to do…. I’m still in the Target parking lot. I’M SCARED SHITLESS! I’m in so much trouble!! Please call me back as soon as you can… please!!!”

(Message ends)

(A minute later)

“Hi, this is Amy. I’m away from my phone right now but if you leave a message, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”

(BEEP)

“Hey… it’s me again. Can you do me a favor? Delete that last message.”