A Hopeful Holiday

**Abortion and Mental Health Trigger Warning**

“Why did she let Clara talk her into this? Thought Leslie as she stepped off the plane at the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport in Atlanta, Ga. She always let her sister talk her into doing everything she didn’t want to. Coming home for Christmas, or for anything else, was not a part of her plan. She hasn’t been back to this place since she left, after high school graduation. Everyone she wanted to see, who still lived in Esom Hill, was perfectly content to come to visit her. She raked her hands over her face and down her long blonde hair. She opened her phone, and texted her mom to let her know she was heading to baggage claim and would meet her. She put her phone in her pocket and followed the signs that pointed her along her way.

               The airport was more than crowded this time of year, and Leslie was not a people person. It wasn’t so much that she minded being around people, she just preferred that they were certain people. She walked quickly, following the signs. She took a short subway ride, and another long walk. She finally rounded the corner to baggage claim. As soon as she did, she heard “LEESSLLIEE” screeched so loudly. Before she knew it her mother had thrown her arms around her. She smelled like sun tea and lemons, Leslie had no idea how, but her mother always smelled of sun tea and lemons to her. She pulled back and stared into her mother’s green eyes that had been passed down to both her and her sister. She had cropped blonde hair streaked with thin lines of gray. She knew her mother “embraced her wisdom,” which is what she called getting older with grace. She did not try to hide the gray in her hair or the lines on her face with the latest fads and formulas. “Hi, Momma. I’ve missed you” she whispered as she buried her face back into her neck and squeezed her again, before letting go. “Not as much as I’ve missed you, my bean.” My mother has called me her bean since she knew I was growing in her belly, according to her. They walked over to the conveyer belt collected her luggage and talked happily, arms wrapped around each other’s waist, as they headed to the parking garage.

               Two and a half hours later, they pulled into her parent’s driveway in Esom Hill, Georgia. The town that seemed to never change. Her sister’s car was already in the driveway and her dad was sitting in his rocking chair on the porch smoking his pipe. Two King German Shepherds came barreling towards the truck. As soon as her mom stopped, Leslie jumped out and ran to her dad on the porch. “Hey Pops, how’s it going?” she asked as she bent down and hugged him around his neck. “Same as always, darling” was his response as always. Her dad was a man of few words. He worked hard his whole life to provide for his family. He started his own business and held the water contract for the county and the surrounding counties. For someone who started out with nothing, he had done well for himself. Her sister’s husband, Jason, worked with him now that he was getting older. Clara and Jason planned to take over the business together when the time came. She was glad her sister married someone who was interested in the business, as it would keep them from having to sell it one day. The door slammed and her sister walked out onto the porch. They looked almost identical, except for the hair. Leslie had gotten her mother’s Golden locks, while Clara had taken after their dad and had chestnut brown hair to match. “We are going out tonight. Amber is in town for Christmas, and we are going to the Christmas Eve party at the new bar in Esom Hill, Bourbon and Smoke.” Leslie opened her mouth to reply, and her sister put her hand over it, “and before you say no, you don’t have a choice. We are going to have a good time and you are going to get over the fact that Preston broke up with you at your graduation party. It’s been five years, it’s time for you to move past it. Remember the things you do love about this place, and the people who do still matter. Like Amber.” Clara moved her hand to cup one of her cheeks and placed her other one on the other cheek to match it and started blinking her eyes pleadingly. “Fine!” Leslie said defeatedly, “but I swear I better not run into Preston.”

               Thirty minutes later, Leslie found herself settled in her old room, at her vanity, applying her make-up for the evening. She was so nervous about going out tonight. She didn’t know what she would say or how she might react were she to run into Preston at the bar. No one really knew the truth of it; the real reason she stayed away for so long and why she had avoided Preston. He had not broken up with her the night of her high school graduation party, as she had let her family believe. She had found out she was pregnant that morning. She did not want to ruin his, nor her, future and neither of them was ready for a baby. She knew if she told him she was pregnant he would want to do the “right thing.” It would be out of obligation and, honestly, if she were to choose to keep the baby, it would be the same. She had dreams of being a lawyer and she was on her way to doing that now. She has been accepted into Columbia Law School and will be starting after Christmas. She knew she made the right decision for everyone, but no one knew. She didn’t tell her family because they would have wanted her to keep the baby.  She would have liked to believe she could have given her child up for adoption. She knew if she carried the baby for any length of time, she would keep it. So, she told no one, broke up with Preston, and let everyone believe that he broke her heart. She left for NYU earlier than planned, and had an abortion, under a false name, when she arrived in New York City.

               The reason she didn’t come back to Esom Hill wasn’t because of her broken heart, but for the guilt that filled her for breaking Preston’s heart. She still believed she did what was best for her and Preston’s futures. She did not belittle the weight or the emotions that came with taking the life of her child. Had she known the guilt that would consume her, she may have chosen differently. There was no sense dwelling on the past. She had undergone four years of therapy and has come to accept her decision. Her therapist urged her to tell her family, and Preston, the truth. However, she did not want to weigh them down with that burden or have them hate her, and that was certainly a possibility. They probably would hate her for her decision. Surely Preston would. She finished her make-up with red lipstick and picked her hair brush up off the vanity. She pulled it through her hair a few times to smooth it and quickly braided her long locks into a fishtail braid that hung down her back. As she was fastening her earrings, which resembled Christmas lights dangling from her earlobes, there was a soft knocking on her door.

               “Come in,” called Leslie, as she stood to pull her clothes for the evening out of her suitcase. The door opened and Clara appeared. “That eyeliner slays!” Clara exclaimed, as she sat down on Leslie’s bed. She was referring to the perfect wing tips Leslie had created while lost in thought at her vanity. “Thank you, applying my make-up helps me calm my racing thoughts when my anxiety is high,” Leslie replied with a pointed look at her sister, “at least I will look like a hot babe tonight.”

“I just came to see how long you were going to be and if you thought this outfit was ok, or is it over the top?” Leslie studied Clara in her rhinestone encrusted fish-net tights, red leather mini skirt, a fitted cable knit long sleeve leotard. She completed her look with knee high leather stiletto boots.

“Honestly, you look amazing. Sexy, hot, gorgeous and amazing. Maybe it is a little too much for our small town, but in New York you would be under dressed going out tonight.” Leslie shrugged and then turned her head to the side, “How is your husband going to feel about you in that outfit tonight?”

Clara laughed, “he will feel on top of the world like he always does when he is out with the prettiest girl in the world. At least, that is what he always tells me when I ask his opinion of my outfits.”

“Then your good; I’ll be down in about 15 minutes. I have to get dressed and put on my shoes.”

“Alright,” Clara responded and got up to leave the bedroom. “Don’t worry about tonight, Leslie. I can’t promise you Preston won’t be there. But I can promise you everything will be ok.” Leslie smiled at her sister and nodded as the door closed. She used five of her fifteen minutes giving herself a pep talk in the mirror, then pulled on her leather leggings, red glittery Christmas sweater, and her red Doc Martin boots. She gave herself a once over in the long mirror hanging on the back of the door, smiled at her reflection, and thought that she looked damn good herself. Maybe not as flashy as Clara, but still damn good. She opened the door and walked downstairs to meet her sister and Jason.

               A few hours later, Leslie found herself seated at a table inside Smoke and Bourbon surrounded by her sister, Jason, and her childhood best friend Amber. She could not believe how easily she and Amber fell into their old routine of crowd watching and gossiping. It felt like old times, except now they were able to legally consume the alcohol in their cups. Leslie was drinking the Christmas Eve special called Reindeer Punch. It was sweet and garnished with a cherry, and the slight buzz it gave her helped her to relax even more than the easy company. Amber was telling them how her first year teaching art at the local elementary school was going. She saw Preston out of the corner of her eye. She froze, and stopped hearing anything that Amber was saying. She did not dare turn her head in his direction in fear of making eye contact. “Excuse me,” Leslie interrupted, “I need to go tinkle.” She stood up and Clara grabbed her hand, “do you want me to come with you?”, she asked. Leslie shook her head and replied’ “It’s just the drink running through me. I’ll be right back.” Leslie walked away from the table in the direction of the restroom. Thankfully, the front door was in the same direction, so she bypassed the bathroom and walked outside.

               Across the street from the bar, there was a little courtyard area with two benches and a Nativity scene set up in the middle. Leslie walked over and sat down on a bench and put her head in her hands. Why did she think she could do this? She knew there was nothing better to do in this town, so of course he would be here. She should have come up with any excuse to stay home tonight. She should never have let her sister talk her into coming here. She knew she couldn’t face him. It was bad enough facing her family without them knowing her secret, but it hurt too much to see him. “Don’t let me run you out and ruin your night.” A deep voice rumbled behind her. “Though, I don’t know exactly why you would be the one running from me? Since it was YOU who walked on me. Go ahead and make yourself the victim, again. This whole town is under the impression that I broke up with you. I guess that is the story you narrated.” She could hear the anger and hurt in his voice, even after all these years.

               “Hello to you too, Preston,” she replied as she turned her head to look up at him. He looked almost the same as the last time she had seen him. He was tall with black hair, that always looked like it needed to be cut, and dark brown eyes. Those beautiful, angry, sad eyes looked out at her from thick heavy lashes and brows that were furrowed. She wished she could soothe his frustration, but if she told him the truth, he would be devastated. He was wearing black slacks, a light gray button-down shirt, with the sleeves rolled up to his mid forearm and the top button loosened. He had on black dress shoes and a Santa hat was perched atop his head.

“That’s really all you have to say to me,” he scoffed, “Hello, Preston.”

“What do you want me to say? You want me to start a conversation with you by saying “Oh Preston, I am so very sorry for how I treated you back in high school and for letting this town think you were the one who broke up with me?” As if that is the worst thing that could happen in the world,” she asked as she rolled her eyes. She could see the hurt that flashed in his eyes. She was being unfair and cruel.

For him, that probably was the worst thing in the world. He didn’t know why she had left and broken everything off, so he didn’t know how bad it truly was. He walked over and sat down beside her, reached for her hand, looked into her eyes and said, “I would settle for an I’m sorry, and an explanation.”

“Preston, please don’t ask me to give you that. Just let it be.”

“Leslie, I don’t buy what you said. You said you wanted to go to New York, and go to school, but that had always been the plan. I was going to stay here, and we were going to try a long-distance relationship. I don’t understand why you suddenly decided it was something you couldn’t do. No discussion, nothing. Then, you just up and left. And apparently told your family that I broke up with you after the party. I didn’t correct them. I assumed you had a reason for it and eventually you would clue me in. But here we are, five years later and the first time I see you since you left, you run away.” He held her gaze through his entire speech and when she tried to turn her head, he grabbed her face. “Please, Leslie,” he begged.

               Tears began to gather in her eyes, and she drew in a deep breath. As tears began to fall down her face, she said, “I’ll tell you everything, if you promise not to hate me for it. You can be mad, and you will, but please just promise me, you won’t hate me.” He wiped the tears from her cheeks and promised her he could never hate her. Leslie drew in another breath, “I have one last request, please don’t say anything until I finish entirely.” Preston assured her he would remain silent until she was finished. Leslie gathered her courage, and through shaky breaths went through the morning of her graduation party. Recounting how she had realized she missed her period. She bought a pregnancy test at the Esom Hill CVS. Seeing the results, going to New York and ending the pregnancy. By the time she finished, she was sobbing, and her head was resting on Preston’s chest. His arms were around her and was patting her back and she felt something land on her hair. She realized he was crying too. He pulled her face up to look at him, “I wish you would have told me. I wish I could have been there with you through it all, to help you and to grieve with you.”

               A little hope rushed through Leslie as she asked if he could forgive her for what she had done. If Preston could forgive her, then surely her family would. The thought of not having to bear this burden alone anymore and to have the support and understanding of her family, and Preston, would be a Godsend. She looked at him, her eyes brimming with tears and urging him, she hoped to please just forgive her. Preston took her face in his hands and told her he did forgive her. She wrapped her arms around his neck and just hugged him for a couple minutes. Then, she pulled back and laid her head on his shoulder, and they sat out in that courtyard talking as midnight approached, along with Christmas.