Shooting the Breeze

Shooting the Breeze 

By 

Anthony Mendoza 

“So how was it? How’d you get that fat lip? Tell me everything!” 

“Dude, it was unreal! What an experience!” 

“I bet. I’m jealous. Go on. Tell me.” 

“Well, Friday morning I had to go to their warehouse and get appropriate clothes and that was nuts because there’s a bunch of people there getting shit for their trips.” 

“So you got people walking around looking like a history of Earth?” 

“Pretty much. So anyway, after I chose my clothes and acces-” 

“What did you wear?” 

“A purple tunic, grey striped cloth leggings and some pointy ass leather shoes. Man, I felt ridiculous at first, but it ended up being a good choice, purple being regal and all. Some silver and gold jewelry, a bedroll and a few travel items.” 

“I hope you got pictures! I’m sure you looked ridiculous. For here, that is.” 

“I got a few before I left since I couldn’t bring any electronics. Anyway, from there they shuttled me to the transportation center. Which, by the way is trippy as hell because it’s just some regular looking office on the 64th floor of the Hancock Building. I had to watch a few orientation videos and then they introduced me to my guide, William.” 

“Armed guide, right?” 

“You bet! I’m capable with my fists but not a fucking sword or dagger.” 

“That sounds kind of scary. That’s probably why I wouldn’t go somewhere like that.” 

“It’s not as bad as you imagine. The only trouble I got in was caused by me. Plus, the landscape is beyond incredible. So lush and green! Today, you’d have to travel to South America to find anything close to what I got to see.” 

“Yeah, okay. Tell me about that trouble, Mr. Fat Lip.” 

“I’ll get there. Don’t rush.” 

“Sorry.” 

“After the videos and meeting William, I changed into my outfit. Then they walked us down a corridor of doors and stopped at my door. Turns out to be a small empty room, save for a door on the opposite wall.” 

“Crazy.” 

“Yeah. Once inside the room, a red light above the other door lit up. They call it the transport door. After a few seconds I heard a thin, buzzing noise and then the light changed to green. William opened the door and all of a sudden I’m looking at a massive clearing in a forest.” 

“Fuck that’s nuts! I’m so jealous!” 

“It’s crazy for sure. One second I’m hundreds of feet above the streets of 24th century Chicago, next second, I’m ground level in 13th century Britain.” 

“Was there any sensation walking through the threshold? Portal? Whatever they call it?” 

“Transport Door. No. William just opens the door and says “After you.” It was like walking through any doorway, which is kind of disappointing, but I was so in awe it didn’t matter at that moment.” 

“Okay gentlemen, here you go. You had the eggs benedict, and the farmers omelet for you sir. Can I get you anything else?” 

“Not at the moment, thank you.” 

“I’m fine, thanks. Looks delicious!” 

“Just let me know if you need anything. Enjoy.” 

“Damn, looking now I should’ve got bacon. When she comes back, I’m getting some bacon. So, you walk through and enter a forest. Where’d you go from there?” 

“Well, I was only able to afford 30 hours and it was a 2-hour hike to the small village I planned on visiting, so we pretty much beelined our way. I would’ve loved to really explore that forest some. Have you been to any green zones before? Pure, unpolluted air is wonderful man, and this forest smelled like heaven. The smell of trees and soil and all that other nature shit. Man! I can’t. I have no words.” 

“Wow.” 

“I know. I’d have to say the hike to and from the village were the biggest highlights. On the way back I saw a bunch of wildlife. It was wonderful.” 

“Awesome. I haven’t been outside the city since my parents took us to the South Dakota green zone. That’s the last time I saw a grass patch larger than someone’s lawn. I remember the smell.” 

“It’s incredible. We had to have an itinerary. Nothing too strict, but William needed to know what I was looking to do to avoid troubles and such. Once I got to the village, Shepard’s Pasture, we got the quote, best room, end quote at the boarding house. It was a fucking dirt floor with 2 small haybeds, a piss pot, and a fireplace. It was a corner room with 2 windows, so I guess that’s why it was the best. I didn’t really care though, it was about the experience. After, we went to the common area to have a bite, but my appetite disappeared quickly.” 

“Why?” 

“It’s medieval Europe, dude. They don’t know shit about germs and bacteria and there’s no such thing as kitchen standards. I saw where they made the food and I saw the sweaty ass cook whose fingers went up his nose more than a few times. Fuck that!” 

“That’s gross, but awesome! Ahaha! I didn’t even think about that. What did you end up eating while there?” 

“William said about half the visitors didn’t eat for the same reason as me, so he always carried fishing gear since the village was near a river.” 

“What a dude! Man, sounds like he was a great guide.” 

Yeah, I got to learn a lot about him during the trip. It’s such a popular time and place to visit, he’s been there over a dozen times the last year alone. He got some carrots and potatoes from the boarding house and we spent the afternoon fishing the most beautiful river you could lay your eyes on.” 

“I don’t know, I hooked up with Diane Rivers and she’s smoking hot.” 

“Funny. Also, river, not Rivers. Anyway, the water was crystal clear and ran at just the perfect speed. The lazy flow of water over a patch of boulders near the other bank looked like it was coming out of a faucet. We caught 3 nice sized trout within an hour which we grilled over an open fire with the potatoes and carrots. Which brings me to my second issue with the trip.” 

“What’s that?” 

“They didn’t have shit for spices during this period of place and time. Salt and garlic was about it.” 

“Damn. 1100 years later and British food is still bland. What was issue 3, if there was one?” 

“Oh, there is. A few more too.” 

“Fat lip?” 

“Actually; not an issue, but I’ll get to that. I guess the third issue I had was understanding people. Most of Medieval English is easy to grasp but the accents are so fucking thick. It’s like everyone talks with a sock shoved in their mouth. William had to do almost all the talking the first day because I looked baffled whenever anyone spoke. On the flip side, my speech and accent made it easy to believe I was some foreign noble, which was the story. William is an excellent mimic of the local accent and all the little idiosyncrasies, and that made it easier too.” 

“Hey, that reminds me. Are you going to Mikey’s improv show next Saturday?” 

“How did what I said remind you of that?” 

“You said William mimicked their accent which made me think of impersonations, which made me think improv.” 

“Yeah, I’m going. You too, right?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Surprisingly, I got to take in a show during my visit.” 

“Huh?” 

“Friday night. The boarding house just happened to have a minstrel with a lute. Like right out of the fucking movies.” 

“Sweet!” 

“Yeah, it was a pretty cool night. There was about a dozen people at the boarding house since it was the only place that served ale.” 

“How’s medieval beer?” 

“Gross. Flat and warm but strong. After 2 I was more than buzzed. I ended up picking a fight with a local.” 

“Okay! Here we go!” 

“It’s not as exciting as you think. I was feeling the ales and the place smelled awful. The people aren’t filthy, but they don’t bathe regularly. The place just wreaked of body odor, and I just got back from shitting over a log into a fucking hole in the ground. I walked past this big dude sitting alone having a meal. Some big oaf of a farmhand. So I bump into him as I walk past and look down at him and say “keep free of my path you fustilugs.” 

“Ahaha. What the fuck is a fustilugs?” 

“It’s like a big dope, which is what he reminded me of. William taught me that and a few other choice words. Well, he didn’t care for the insult but since he thought I was a noble he tried to apologize. I wasn’t having it though. I wanted to test my boxing skills so I told him to stand up. That fucker ended up being a whole head taller than me. He had a good 40 pounds on me too.” 

“Damn.” 

“Definitely gave me second thoughts, but I was buzzing. I called him a fop and quisby, and threw my hands up ready to fight. Well, he didn’t need any more nudging after those insults. He took a swing at me. I dodged it easily and jabbed him twice and the dude just stood there. Turns out, fighting back then, at least with the lower class, was just exchanging blows. They don’t dodge or duck. I did though.” 

“He got you at least once but I’m guessing you won the fight.” 

“Hell yeah I did. He did time one of my dodges and clipped me right on the mouth as I came back up. He was tough, took me 3 good hooks to knock him down. That’s when William jumped in and put an end to it.” 

“You get kicked out?” 

“Hell no! Nobody seemed to give a shit about the entire thing. They all just watched until it was over and went back to their own thing. The big guy left, and I went back to our table. I had one more ale, we went to our room, and I literally hit the hay. That was about it for Friday. Yesterday I only had half a day which I spent exploring along the river on horseback, taking in all the wonderful nature.” 

“Man, sounds wild. I wouldn’t do it personally. I’d probably visit late 20th century America myself. What an experience though. I’m jealous.” 

“Yeah, I wouldn’t do it again. They don’t tell you about any of the downsides when they’re selling you a trip. You just kind of find out. I’d choose some other where and when. If I could ever afford it again. As common as it’s become, you’d think time-travel would be more affordable.” 

“Well I’m saving for a trip. Gotta do it once before you die, right! I got about a million more questions. Did you get laid?” 

“No bro, the few women I got near smelled just awful. It was not appealing. Enough about the trip for now. How’s your weekend been?” 

END