Socks

“I’m thinking about joining the military.”

“Oh?”

“Like the army maybe. Or the navy.”

Ben’s feet were dangling in the water. Anne had tried to do the same and dipped her feet in, but the water had been shockingly cold. So she instead sat cross-legged on the edge of the dock. She had put on one sock, but the cold water from her dip had soaked it through. So she decided to leave the other foot free. But the night wind bit into the water droplets on left her naked foot. She couldn’t decide which was worse, the damp sock or the freezing wind on her exposed toes. She didn’t put on her second sock or take off the first.

They could barely see any stars. Fucking light pollution. Fucking clouds. There were countless docks to Anne’s left and three to her right. Each dock had a small boat or a boathouse that hid the small boat. Docks and boats were bobbing up and down in order with the passing waves. She had done the wave at a Mariners game three nights ago. It really did look like a real wave. The wave was a great name for it.

“Anne?”

“Hm?” Anne turned to look at him.

“What do you think about that?” Ben asked, “Me joining the military I mean.”

The dock slowly bobbed up and down underneath her as she considered the question.

“I mean, I wouldn’t do it personally. Like, it’s definitely not my thing. But if you want to do it, I’m sure it would be fine.”

Ben thought about that. They slowly bobbed, up and down, up and down, up and down.

Anne was the one to break the rhythm. “Want to take your boat out?”

“It’s kinda cold.”

“I don’t want to inner tube obviously. I just kinda want to be on the boat.”

Ben looked at her. He had shaggy blonde hair and three days’ worth of beard scruff. He didn’t take great care of his hair. Or his face, honestly. He was wearing a grey tee-shirt under a flannel and basketball shorts. Nothing he was wearing was stained or wrinkled but it also wasn’t clean. Nothing he wore ever smelled like anything, which Anne didn’t mind of course.

She thought about it like this. There were three points on her scent scale. Smelling good, nothing, and smelling bad. If smelling good was like a 5 and smelling like nothing was a 0, then smelling bad would be like a negative 30. Negative 50 maybe. Smelling good was overrated as long as you didn’t smell bad. The freshwater smelled good enough for her anyway.

“I thought you’d be more surprised,” Ben said.

Anne considered that. Was she surprised? She was now that she thought of it. She hadn’t thought of Ben as a military man. Could he kill someone? Anne didn’t think he could.

“I guess I am, yeah. I don’t think you could kill someone.”

“Do you care?”

Up and down. Up and down. The breeze over the lake was so refreshing but god it made her naked foot cold.

Ben scratched his stubbly face. “I don’t think you do. You would have asked me why I’m thinking about it if you cared.”

Anne didn’t think he was right. She had to care, right? Ben had been her friend for a long time. One of her best friends. Maybe her best friend now that she thought about it. Certainly better than Riley or Madison. It was debatable between him and Sam. But she wasn’t sitting on Sam’s dock right now. So she had to care. She decided that she cared.

She dipped both her feet into the water again, one socked and one free. The free foot was way colder. But the socked foot would be way worse when it came out again. It all ended up the same.

“So why then? Why the military?”

Ben silently kicked his feet under the waves, and they floated like seaweed. “No reason really. Something to do.”

“Woah so profound. I’m so glad you guilted me into asking. I can’t believe I almost missed out on such profound insight. ‘Something to do.’ Where do you come up with this stuff.” She looked at him. He was staring over the lake now, not looking at her.

“Common, get on the boat with me,” she said.

“Alright.”

But neither of them moved. They stayed on the dock, feet dangling in the water, kicking back and forth, and bouncing with the waves. She’d need to wash this sock when she got home. A water drop fell from the sky and landed on her thigh. It was way too cold to be wearing shorts.

“It’s gonna rain, Ben.”

“Ok, I thought of a reason.”

“For the rain? Is it clouds?”

He rolled his eyes. “About why I want to join the military.”

“Fire away.” Another drop of water landed on Anne’s head this time. “But it’s gonna rain soon.”

“Ok, here it is. I think anyway. I don’t think I’m special, you know. I’m not good at anything. But I want to do something. I’m not good enough to do something on my own so I want to join something that is something. It’s already set up, so I don’t have to do much. Just what they tell me. Does that make any sense at all?”

Anne did not think it made any sense at all. She stared out over the lake. It was dark so she couldn’t see any of the fish she liked to watch.

“Anne? Do you think it makes sense?” His voice was higher than normal.

Anne closed her eyes. If she cared, and she should care, then she should consider what he said. She replayed his explanation over.

“You want to do…something?” She said.

“Yeah! Something other than living with my parents and riding on boats. Something that helps people. Or like, affects the world.” He trailed off.

It was getting pretty dark.

“Ben,” Anne found herself saying, “You’ll never be content.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

The rain droplets began to bounce on the water, sending up little splashes. Now would be a good time to take my feet out of the water. They’ll both be wet anyway. But that just brought her back to the sock problem. Her other sock, grey and laying on the dock, like a dead animal, would get wet in the rain. Both socks would be wet, and both feet would be wet. So what did it matter whether the socks were on or off? She’d just leave it as it was. It all ended up the same.

          “What do you mean? Anne, what do you mean!” Ben implored.

          “Affect. That doesn’t mean anything. Everything affects, and nothing does. You won’t find what you want there. That’s what I mean.” Anne started to kick her feet under the water.

          Ben started kicking too. She could hear his splashes over the rain. “But nothing is keeping me here,” Ben said, “except you obviously. My friends, I mean. And I feel stuck. And… I disagree I think I can do something that will be good. I can make people happy.”

          Anne could feel his eyes on her cheek. It’s uncanny how people can sense when they are being watched. It didn’t make any sense, there was nothing tangible in a gaze, but she still felt it. They sat in silence for a bit.

“We should go on the boat,” Anne said again.

“It’s raining,” Ben said.

“So? Boats are meant to get wet anyway.”

“Are you content Anne? If I can’t be, are you?” Ben asked.

That made Anne about her socks. One was laying on the deck, the other drowning on her foot in the lake. Was she ok with that?

She turned to look at him. His eyes were brown. Her eyes were hazel, brown on some days, green on other days. They were even marbled with orange. But Ben’s eyes were just brown. No other colors. They made eye contact. She raised an eyebrow at him. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.

“I’m going to go, Anne, I’m gonna join the air force. Or the coast guard maybe.” Ben said.

“Ok. I hope I’m wrong.”

He sat there for a moment, sitting straight up and down. She watched him bob up and down with the waves, raindrops beginning to come down steady around him. Then, slowly he started to lean. At first, she thought it was a trick of the dock’s movement. But no, Ben was definitely leaning towards her, in the rain, at night, with his eyes closed. His lips slowly began to emerge into a puff, like a turtle’s head coming out of its shell.

Oh god. He’s trying to kiss me!

Now, this was a question. On one hand, she didn’t want to hurt his feelings right before he went to die in Afghanistan or whatever. On the other hand,… well she couldn’t think of another hand. There was no real reason not to kiss him, except for the fact that he had no reason to kiss her in the first place.

She supposed it wouldn’t matter. It all ended up the same anyway.