Step into the Light

I look at the menu in my hands. I couldn't read a single word because my eyes were filled with tears. I tried to hide my tears and wipe them behind the menu. I hate feeling vulnerable in front of others. I have just received bad news. The worst news possible. Something I would never be able to recover from.

I try to compose myself but fail miserably. I mumble something about going to the toilet and fly out of my chair before I breakdown in front of him. Desperately, I look around for a place I can escape to. Thankfully I spot a sign that said 'Toilet'. I open the door and jump into one of the cubicles. I close the lid and sit on the toilet with my head in my hands. I look up and the walls seem to be closing up on me. I can't breathe. I try to take a deep breath but fail miserably. I can hear wheezing sounds coming out of me.

I jump up and open the door. I need to get out. Out in the open air. Maybe then I would be able to breathe. I start running towards the exit. By now I don't care who is watching. I just need to breathe. I come out on the road into the open but still can't breathe. I realize i'm having a panic attack. I need to calm my self down.

I hear footsteps following me and realize that Ahmed is following me. I can't let him see me like this. Even in this condition I realize I do not want him to worry about me. I look around and find a small , dark alley. I step into the darkness. I sit on the floor leaning on a wall. I try to calm my self down. It is still so hard to breathe. I close my eyes and try to feel the texture of the ground under me. I look around. I see a cat looking for food near one of the dumpsters. I focus on the cat. On every move that the cat is making. Slowly I can feel my self calming down. I breathe in. I slowly breathe out. I like the darkness enveloping me. Keeping me safe. I want to hide here forever.

I look down and can feel my shirt soaked with tears. I wipe my nose with my sleeve. I'm past the point of caring what I look like at the moment. My life has just crashed. The years I had spent putting my life together are wasted. I feel shattered and empty. I feel betrayed. I had prayed with every breath I had. To no avail. I am back to square one. Would I have the strength to start again?

Slowly, bit by bit I can feel anger resonating within me. I start to feel alive again. I feel like smashing something. I feel like hurting someone the same way that I have been hurt.

I hug myself. I rock myself back and forth. I put my head on my knees and look sideways. I see a sliver of light right next to me. I keep looking at it with no strength to reach out for it. I close my eyes and the darkness overtakes me again. I feel something brush against my legs. It takes all my will power to open my eyes. It's the cat. I reach out to it and hug it. Tears start rolling out again and I cry like I have never cried before. The crying and the presence of the cat gives me comfort. I sit there with my legs crossed, do not know for how long. The cat doesn't leave. Maybe she knows that I need her more than she needs me.

I dwell on my past and my present. The mistakes that I have made. The people that I have hurt. The words that I have said. I acknowledge that I could have been a better person. I need to let go of the hurt in my past if I ever want to have a better future. I am not perfect and neither are others. Being human means making mistakes.

I hear a voice filled with worry. 'Kiran are you there?' It belongs to my husband. He was the one I was sitting with in the restaurant when I received the phone call that shattered my world. My mom my lifeline was no more after she fought such a long hard battle to stay alive. While she was breathing , there was hope that things would get back to normal. That we would have our old life back. Without hope there is nothing left.

I keep my eyes on the sliver of light falling on a spot right next to me. With what little strength I have left, I reach my hand towards the light. It touches the tip of my finger. Slowly, a strength I never knew I had in me starts creeping in. I feel warm. I ponder over it. I haven't felt this warmth in a long time. With one hand I hold the cat, with the other hand I lean on the wall behind me. I stand up and wipe my tears.

'Kiran?', I hear my name again. The concern in his voice brings me back. He can't see me because i'm sitting in the darkness. I look over towards the street. I see him trying to peak into the darkness. He turns around ready to leave. To look for me somewhere else. I try to call out his name. A mangled sound comes out. I didn't think he would be able to listen because there was a party going on in the street but he did. He looked back. I thought he wouldn't step into my darkness to save me. But I was wrong. He stepped into the alley. Held out his hand for me. I wasn't alone anymore. He would be my anchor when I would be in the midst of a storm. He would save me. He wouldn't let me drown.

I am going to turn a new leaf. With this in mind I take a leap of faith and step towards the light ready to face my future.