A New Plan

“I’ve got a plan” He said looking over at her grinning slamming his laptop shut.

“I’m sure you do,” She responded shaking her head from the other side of their studio apartment.

“No really. This time, this is it.” He said excitement spilling out over his words.

“Nick,” she sighed, “You said that last time, and the time before that, and the time before that and even the time before that. Remember when you thought you would go to school for accounting and you finished your degree only to find out you wanted to become a chef. Then the smell of raw food caused your stomach to hurt so you decided to become a photographer. So we bought you all of the camera equipment..”

“And that’s the only reason we have these incredible pictures in our home.” He said pointing to the landscapes of their first home in Tennessee, their honeymoon in Thailand, and the trip to Hawaii Nick was asked to be a friend’s second shooter to an elopement.

While Kelsey had to admit there were perks to Nick’s adventurous outlook on life there were also downfalls. For instance two months ago, before Nick got his job at the graphic design office they were almost evicted after paying their rent late three times. Nick’s care-free spirt and longing for purpose, while the reason Kelsey fell for him her freshman year of college, had now become something to merely tolerate and occasionally roll her eyes at.

Kelsey remembered the day she met Nick in a study group for the Biology mid-term. A friend of hers had created a group-me for 25 people in a class of 300 for her top secret study group where she was passing out the old test her boyfriend had from the year before. When Nick walked in with his unkept hair and an obscure band t-shirt, Kelsey knew he would be the man she would marry.

Growing up in the south, Kelsey was taught to find a husband in college or forever be searching for one in the grocery store, like her aunt Hillary at the ripe age of 29. Her mother had instilled a need for a plan in life. From an early age, even starting at maybe three or four, Kelsey was told she should be a nurse, strictly for job security not for any particular skill or talent. Kelsey would study hard in high school and volunteer with the local hospital, picking up odd tasks whenever she could and then go to a good college with a nursing undergrad program. She would then find a suitable husband who was an accountant, engineer, or doctor to be engaged by spring, married by summer. Hopefully she would have babies shortly after and wouldn’t actually have to use her nursing degree. So Kelsey went to school to become a nurse, it wasn’t until she met Nick that she had ever even slightly questioned the plan for her life.

When Nick met Kelsey he remembered thinking she was beautiful, but that was about it. He was in school to become an accountant because his father had told him so and his parents were paying for his tuition and academics weren’t really his main priority. He heard some girl had all the answers to the Biology mid-term and he would have to meet up with a “Study-group” to get them. He told his roommate at the time, a fiancé major – need I say more, that he would be back in 30 minutes tops for a re-match in ‘Super Smash Bros’. Little did he realize the red head who introduced herself as Kelsey had other plans. She invited him to sit with her group of four to review the answers then recommended they head over to the dining hall to grab dinner. He was so confused why the other three people invited had to bail on dinner, but he would soon understand the persuasive efforts of his soon to be wife. By the end of the night she had convinced him to take her to Winter Formal and after two more years they were married. One year earlier than Kelsey’s mother had planned and to a soon-to-be accountant too.

Kelsey’s mother was elated. Well, until the first career change. Kelsey and Nick had stayed in Knoxville for him to finish his fifth year of accounting and get his masters. She had taken a job at the UT medical center doing the night shift in the NICU and it was the hardest thing she had ever done. Nick’s parents weren’t thrilled about him getting married so young but they loved Kelsey, it was hard not to when she knew the exact thing to say at any given moment. They finally agreed to finish paying for his schooling. However, their generosity stopped there. When Nick decided he wanted to change careers, then change again, and again, and yet again it was all on their, well really Kelsey’s dime. She hated being a nurse and had only agreed to it with the thought that her loving husband would one day soon tell her to stay at home with the babies, that was the plan. It was always the plan.

“So here’s what I have been thinking,” Nick said, “You know how I have been miserable in my current job.”

“Yes,” she smiled and walked over to him. She slid next to him on the couch and wrapped her arms around him. “The one you started two months ago.” She teased crinkling her nose, a trick she learned early in marriage that she could get away with saying almost anything as long as she crinkled her nose.

“Ha Ha” He pretended to laugh and wrapped his arms around her waist, “Yes the one I started two months ago. I think I could be happy in a job that lets me work full time remote.”

“You’ve barely even started graphic design, it is a miracle they hired you in the first place- remember that’s what you said just a mere two months ago?” she smiled looking up at him, secretly praying he would see reason. With both of their income for an entire year saved she could then convince him that they would be in a place financially to have a baby and her plan would be back on track, then she wouldn’t have to work anymore night shifts or day shifts or be a nurse at all. She grinned at the thought, then quickly put it away in order to persuade Nick.

“So yes, I did say that. But by now I think I really have a handle on things. Bill just yesterday said they couldn’t survive without me. Babe, I have made myself indispensable in just two months.” He said grinning.

“So that means you have to stay if they would be lost without you, right? You can’t leave them now, after they have been so kind to you and you do like the work, right? Creating a brand with a new assignment every day? You told me just last week that you could never be bored with this job.”

“Did I really?” he looked over at her and shook his head, “Well I’m not bored per say, but I did have a really great plan that could change everything. Seriously, I think it could be the best of both worlds for us.”

“Oh no.” She hid her head in her hands a moaned, “What is it? Do I even want to know?” As the words left her mouth she saw her dreams of her plan slipping out of their apartment underneath the crack in the door.

“So my company has an office in San Francisco.” He paused assessing her reaction.

She did not raise her head from her hands.

“And I thought,” he continued, “I could, we could, move there.” He paused again.

She remained reactionless, head in hands.

“Think of the adventure! I could still work with the same company and the same team since so many of them are out there anyway. Also the office is fully remote so I could work from home, we could finally get that golden retriever you keep talking about.”

Kelsey raised her head, “In SAN FRANSISCO?!” she shouted.

Nick took a second to process the quick transition from no reaction to shouting. He realized this was her coping mechanism at the three year anniversary. Whenever Kelsey was upset she would keep it in until the last possible second and erupt in anger of something he didn’t realize would be this big of a deal. In hindsight he realized moving across the country after four job changes in four years was a bit of a big deal but in the moment he truly believed it to be a great plan.

Kelsey stood up off of the couch and pushed his arm away, “You want to move, across the county? To CALIFORNIA? Where we don’t know anyone to get a GOLDEN RETERIEVER I asked you for ONE time when I was drunk and too afraid to ask you for a BABY!?”

“You want a baby?” He asked suddenly stoic.

“Yes I want a FUCKING BABY! I am 26 years old and we have been married for almost FIVE years! I am working a job I hate to support your ONE BILLION job changes when the plan was always for me to be a STAY AT HOME MOM!”

“That was the plan?” He asked at an almost whisper, “I had no idea, why didn’t you tell me?”

Hurt was written all over his face, so much so that Kelsey felt wildly conflicted between what she wanted and making the man she loved feel better.

Kelsey shrunk back onto the couch. “It was my mother’s plan, that’s why I went into Nursing.”

“Do you really hate it?” He asked afraid of the answer. Kelsey had been working at this point for four of the five years they had been married and only ever complained about the co-worker drama but never the actual work.

“Yes.” She said tears welling in her eyes. “I really, really hate it.”

He exhaled heavily. “Why didn’t you say anything? I complain about my jobs all of the time.”

“I was following the plan we had made up since I was little. There wasn’t really space to figure out what I wanted to do in all of your changes.” Tears now streaming down her face as years of secrets spilled out. “But I was so happy to support you while you were figuring out what you wanted. You are the first person in my whole life who took time to find out what makes you happy and what your passions are.m ” She paused. “That’s why I fell so hard for you Freshman year, you were so refreshing to be around. I wanted an ounce, just an ounce, of your bravery to stand up to the things expected of you but I never realized that being with you would be so exhausting for the same reasons I fell in love with you. I LOVE a plan. Remember when I refused to go to the grocery store with you because you never had a list or even the slightest idea of what we needed?”

He laughed, tears also escaping form the corners of his eyes.

“I NEED a PLAN.” She exhaled. “I am realizing it may not be the plan I grew up with, or what I am used to measuring my success up to. But I need to know where I am going or what I am working up to. I don’t think I can do this aimlessly wandering towards my purpose or maybe not anymore. I need to know if we are having children soon and if I can quit my job. I need to have an existential crisis every once in a while. It can’t always be you.”

He paused, words on the tip of his tongue but he worked adamantly to shove them back down. “I don’t know what to say.” He conceded. Head spinning.

Had he really been that selfish? In the past five years of marriage, sleeping in the same bed, had he really not known she felt this way? She knew when they were married he had a care-free spirit, but had she really known him to the extent he thought she did? He was stunned.

Suffering from expressing her darkest thoughts built up from the past five years she was silent staring blankly ahead. The two sat on the couch wordlessly.

“So where do we go from here?” He asked still looking away from her.

“I don’t know.” She exhaled. “I think I need a plan.”

“I feel claustrophobic with a plan. I like to feel like I can change my life on a dime.” He said his hands flailing to make his point.

“But at what cost?” the words slipped out of her mouth through gritted teeth. “You are able to make these changes because there are people behind you supporting you, your parents and now me! I want my plan. I need to know where we will be in five years from now, where we will be tomorrow?”

“I can’t give you that.” He said now looking at his feet. “I can’t promise to do an 8-5 job I hate and have my soul crushed.”

“You should have thought about that before you married me!” she yelled again. “You promised my father you would take care of me, but since the DAY we got married it has been ME taking care of YOU and that was never the PLAN.”

“I never knew YOU had a PLAN!” He raised his voice to match hers.

After a deep breath his voice returned to its normal level, “I don’t know how to five you want you want.”

“Maybe we just take a second before we plan to move across the country?”

He smiled looking at her face, “Now, that I can try to do.”

“That’s all I am asking for. Maybe we talk about having children?”

“Maybe, and hang with me here, we make up a new plan for us?”

“Fine.” She said pulling him in for a kiss, “That could work for me.”