Harvest Moon

Harvest Moon

The tater tots left greasy streaks on the wax paper that lined the plastic serving dish. But these streaks Kerry never noticed. The food came into his mouth like a nervous habit. It was no secret that he only ate the tots when he was bluffing. He had a pair of 8’s and doubled up his bet, putting the pressure on the dealer. But the dealer watched another few cold tots disappear and knew to take the bet. Kerry lost again. But it wasn’t real money, not unless he won. Then he left with a pocket full of real cash. That was real. These chips were just plastic, he told himself. But he didn’t really believe it. Kerry was down 360 dollars tonight. His van still needed the radiator fixed. That was five hundred bucks. And the mold under the mattress had never really disappeared after last winter. That would probably be a cheap fix though. His portable home was all he had left, and even it was disappearing quickly. Rust ate away at the paint though he tried to fill it in with a white magic marker. He was counting on winning big tonight, and though he was down now, he knew there were good things fated for this evening. On his way into the casino he had seen the low moon rising. A harvest moon, deep and yellow and totally full. A lucky night. But with only 45 dollars left in chips, he was getting close to the end.

About 30 feet behind Kerry’s poker table, Helen pushed the quiet vacuum through over the thin, maroon carpet. Every dark stain she knew by heart. They formed a map in her mind of the vast room. Here, a heart shaped stain. There, a bit of gum that looked like a flying pig. Seven nights a week, she cleaned these floors. Seven nights a week, she felt her ankle giving her trouble. But her spirits were high tonight. She, too, had noticed the harvest moon rising over the building this evening. You couldn’t miss it. The face in the moon stared down at her with its eyes and mouth wide open. It was spooky. Helen liked that. Halloween was only a few months away and she wondered if her daughter April would still want to go trick-or-treating this year. Do they still do that in 8th grade? Helen hoped she would. It seemed like just a few days ago that April was in her first Halloween outfit. That little baby in that little pumpkin suit seemed more real than the carpets or the room she was in. Five more minutes until her break. She felt for her cigarettes in her pocket. Good, still a few left. 

Kerry pushed twenty dollars onto the table. He had a pair of Kings. The dealer folded. Back in the game now. Cards passed back and forth. He took sips of his beer. He bluffed as his tater tots slowly disappeared. There had been a pile of them, but now there were only five or six left in the plastic tray. He lost another hand. With 15 dollars left he cashed out for a bathroom break. As he pushed back from the table he suddenly felt his body. His stomach hurt. Blood pounded in his neck. He picked up his tots and walked slowly toward the bathrooms. Near the bathroom door, there was a man seated with dark sunglasses handing out warm towels. Kerry set his tots down and took a towel from the man.

“Can I leave these tater tots out here with you?”

“Sure you can. But they might disappear.” 

“Well, that’s ok actually.”

The man laughed a good hearted laugh. “They’re safe here, son.”

The warm water on his face calmed him down a little. The bathroom was too bright, white lights seemed to shine with impossible strength. Kerry’s face reflected back to him off the silver flush handle of the urinal. It was bent, distorted by the bends in the metal. A sinking feeling came over him. Pain in his bladder gave him a sharp pinch. But as he stood there looking at his twisted face, he couldn’t pee. Shania Twain sang through the tinny speakers above him. For some reason, he thought of a lizard he had kept when he was a kid. It was a leopard gecko with a fat tail that looked like another head. He remembered how he had forgotten to fill its water dish one week. And when he finally did fill it, the gecko drank so much water that it died right there in the bowl, drowned in the water it had so desperately needed. The corners of his mouth turned down. He felt like he might cry. Finally, a little pee came dribbling out over the pink scented puck in the urinal. He zipped up and washed his hands as quickly as he could. 

“Your tater tots, sir. I didn’t eat ‘em,” The bathroom man said.

“You know I’m not so hungry anymore. I think they were making me sick.”

“I tell ‘em they use too much grease in the kitchen, but they neva listen.”

“What can you do?” Kerry said back. 

Kerry walked back out onto the floor. Casinos never look like they do in the James Bond movies. No tuxedos. No beautiful women. No pistols hidden in black coats. Just a slow mechanical chatter of machines talking to themselves. Cigarettes burning down to black powder in stained ashtrays. And people, wrinkled, sad people all around. Nobody won, nobody cared. This was all they could feel. This was the big part of the day. Drinking in so much that they drowned. He wanted to go back out, but some part of himself just couldn’t do it. Not yet. He could step outside, he could see what the moon looked like. Or he could go to the blackjack table. Blackjack was luckier than poker, wasn’t it? He thought he remembered seeing that on TV sometime. With 15 bucks, he would have to have quite a winning streak. But it was not impossible. He felt suddenly lightheaded. Ok, a short break. Let’s go outside. 

The doors opened with a blast of fresh air. It was night already? Ok. Fresh air. An undeveloped lot. God’s green earth, and the interstate roaring with cars behind it. Time slowed down a little. He felt a little less queasy. But a strange numbness in his right hand made him open and close his fingers a few times. Probably just getting older. 

A woman in a casino uniform leaned back against the building, slowly smoking a cigarette. She looked his age. Not bad looking for a janitor. Kerry pulled out a cigarette of his own but left the lighter in his pocket.

“Do you have a light?” He asked the woman. 

She smiled. “Sure,” she said and handed over a lighter covered in dog faces. 

“These are cute,” Kerry said. 

The woman chuckled with a smoker's laugh. “I know, I know. My daughter makes fun of me, but I think they make the world better, you know. Dogs are just the best thing. Do you have a dog?”

“I used to. My wife, my ex-wife took him when we split up.” Kerry paused, looking up. “I haven’t seen him in years.”

A few older women shuffled out the front doors and Kerry moved out of their way, closer to the janitor woman. They both looked out toward the darkened parking lot, lit up by blinding yellow lights on silver posts.

“It sure is a beautiful moon, isn’t it?” The woman said.

Kerry squinted past the lights. “It really is.” His right hand felt a little more numb now, maybe his right foot a little too?

“I think they call it a harvest moon when it's big and yellow like that. And all this summer, I been watching these blackberries grow here.” She pointed off to the left where some dark green brambles caught the yellow lights from the parking lot. 

“Oh yeah?” Kerry replied.

“Yeah, I'm thinking by tonight they’d be damn near ready.” 

Kerry squatted down on his knee by the bush and felt the little blackberries in his hand. He could smell the green leaves. She was right, the berries were close. 

“I would give them one more day,” he said, like a berry expert. He pushed off the ground with his right arm but became disoriented. Something wasn’t working right. The world swayed as he almost lost his balance. 

“Are you ok?” The woman asked, coming over to help him.

“Oh, yeah. I’m fine. Just getting older.”

He leaned back against the building again with her. Cigarette smoke calmed him down. The world grew steady again.

“Yeah, my right side has been a little off tonight.” 

“I hear you. I’ve got this darned ankle that acts up nearly every night now.” 

“It’s time for us to retire, eh?”

“Oh, what a dream that would be.” They both laughed. 

The crickets sang loudly from the grass beyond the parking lot. They seemed not to notice the cars that nearly drowned them out. They sang on, against the power of the machines, as if they knew they would be here longer. 

The woman ground her cigarette into the sidewalk cement, leaving a little black stain. Kerry did the same right next to hers. He liked the way the little marks were side by side, like they were names carved in the cement. 

“Well, I don’t think I caught your name?” Kerry said suddenly. 

“Helen, and yours?” She was smiling. That was good.

“Kerry, like Jim Carrey.” Why did he still say that to everyone?

“Oh, Dumb and Dumber. I love his movies,” Helen said. She had a pretty smile.

“Me too.”

Neither of them spoke. 

“I should probably get back to work,” Helen said.

“Yeah, well, I’m off to win my retirement. You think that moon’ll bring me in a big harvest tonight?”

“I can’t say. But I like you. I don’t normally do this but would you ever want to get a drink sometime?” 

“I would love to,” Kerry said with a smile like a little kid. “Let me get your number here on this napkin.” She wrote it down for him.

“Well, I wish you a good harvest in there, Kerry. Or at least enough to buy me a drink tomorrow.”

“Oh, tomorrow?”

“Sorry, is that too soon?”

“No, that's great. I will see you tomorrow. And we can swing by here and the berries will be ready.”

“Ok. Kerry. It was good to meet you tonight. I guess it was a lucky moon.” Helen tossed her cigarette butt in the garbage and walked back into the casino.

Kerry stayed leaning against the building. He stared at the moon. What a turn of fortune. Things are really starting to look up. He could feel his luck turning around. He even started to feel so good that he might not even need to go back inside. Why not leave with at least a little money in his pocket this time? Enough for those two drinks tomorrow. Oh, but that won’t be enough. What if she wants to see a movie? And would he pick her up in that nasty old van? No, that would not do. No, his luck was turning, right? He saw it already. He would walk back inside. He would sit down at the table and he would win it all back, and much much more. He felt unstoppable.

Kerry did walk back into the casino. And he did sit back down at the table. He bet his last fifteen dollars on the first hand, and he lost. He felt his right arm go numb again. And his right foot. And his right side. And the right side of his face sagged down like a white sheet on a clothesline.

The dealer looked worried. “Are you ok, sir?”

“I’m alright. I’ll be ok. I just need some water. Can I have some water? I’ll be umkay. Iz a harvest murn.”

Helen heard the commotion across the room. When she arrived, Kerry was unconscious on the ground. He had thrown up down his shirt. 

“Call an ambulance. Kerry. Kerry. It’s Helen, can you hear me?”

But Kerry never answered. 

And outside, under the moon and the yellow lights of the parking lot, the blackberries were one day away from harvest.