Just a Backstory

Everything intends to change when someone made a decision. But a decision was also because of unexpected stumbled blocks that unfortunately become their downfall. I used to have an obstacle in every step I take. That’s fine, I can find another road then. I used to let another day pass without any improvement to myself, that’s fine, I’m young and I have decades to go, I think . I used to read than to find someone to talk to, that’s fine some students and other people will come to me to have a little talk.

I intend to make everything flow in their own phase, I’m not in a hurry anymore. I used to, but I realized when I went to college that rushes a moment, will just become a memory without emotions in it. I won a medal and practice after the day, it gives pride, but not happiness.

I’m reviewing my five pages assignment to be passed to the email of my professor when I felt cold, maybe because of the rain. I decided to sleep since it’s already midnight. I turn off my laptop and clean my desk. I walk towards my window to check if it was locked, I walk towards my AC to turn it off because I started to shiver in the cold. I lied in my bed and I wrapped myself in a blanket.

The next morning I woke up still shivering in cold and heavy head, but I need to get up because it’s weekend, it means my parents are at home and they spent the weekend with me, while they spend the weekdays with—their own family. My saddest part of my life that is hidden at the back of my awards. I walk with my weakening legs, but before I reach the last three steps of the stair, my knees have given away and fell.

“Lexi!” I saw my father running towards me while I’m trying to get up. He helps me to stand and checked to see if I had a wound. “ I’m fine dad” it came out almost a whisper. “What happened here?” I look where the voice came. “She fell” my dad answered my mom while his eyes still on me. “WHAT?” she hurriedly walks towards me with a worried face. “I’m fine mom” “ you had a fever” my father said while getting his phone. “Called the doctor, now” my mom’s command even she already saw my father is already holding his phone. I let out a sigh.” Let go to your room, you still need a rest”.

I was staring to my cabinet with nothing in mind than the doctors always say to us, “She’s fine, she just needs rest”, but I know that they always have a talk outside my room. Not wanting me to hear the truth. I have a heart disease, everything is fine, but my heart will just stop to pump any moment. That’s why I have my own nurse whenever I go. My eyes suddenly went to my backpack that my mom given to me as my birthday gift when I was fifteen, I received a gift from her, but not her presence. I don’t have plans in mind, but I grab the bag and put a spare  clothes, and some essentials, incase, I also grab my savings. I heard a knock, but I guess it’s my nurse, my parents went home at their new family last night. I open my door and smile to my nurse. ” Good morning” he greeted me with a smile, “Good morning” I reply to be polite. “That looks heavy,” he said while staring to my bag ”Projects” , “Let me carry that” I let him get my bag he will not open that anyway.

I stop walking as we reach the entrance door of my classroom. He gives me my bag “ I’m just in the car, call me if anything happens” I just nodded. He always says that, I already memorized it. After my first class. I will not attend my second class. I’m heading to the university back gate, and went out. Without hesitation this time, I rode a taxi to take me in the near farm village. I felt suffocated, I just want to rest, and that farm village near to the university is always my comfort zone. We used to spend the Sunday there as a happy family. There I can breathe. I got out of the taxi after I pay. I took a deep breathe, feeling the fresh air from the farm. I entered the gate with calm nerves, unlike when I’m at home. I walk heading to my favorite place, but before I reach my spot someone blocked my way. “You’re here again”, “As you can see” I reply with a shrugged “You should never stay away to your nurse”, “ I want to breathe” she let go a sigh before we walk towards my favorite spot. “Do you know that the villagers don’t sit in this spot for you?” she said while seating comfort, “why?” confusion is written on my face. “Because they know in this spot, you can breath” I look away trying to conceal my sadness. “They expect me to be dead anytime” it came out almost a whisper, she looks at me, but I did not do the same, I just look straight. “After their divorce, they almost never visited me, I work hard you know?, I did my best to see them, I—I’m like a worker that I should pay them a medal or a trophy just to visit me.” She’s always like this, she a listener but never my adviser that I’m always being thankful. “ Until they found out my sickness, at first I thought that if this time my payment is my health, it will be fine, they are with me every weekend, I’m happy with it, I’m fine with it.” “ But I realized that they just don’t want to feel any guilt if I die” I hug my knees and put my head on the top of it. “Don’t think like that, I think they visited you because they want to support you and they love you--“, “They never offer me to stay with them” I cut her with my voice grew a little louder, I straight my back and position my posture like the Indian seat. She looks away “ Do you want anything?” she asked, “I want to be alone, I’m sorry” She looks at me and smile and then she stands and walk away. I headed my vision to the surroundings.

I wish I could go back to the time where my parents are still together, that we are happy as a whole. Because that’s my real comfort zone, my real home. I wish that if I die, I will just stock at those years of my life because that’s my heaven. I become a good daughter, I guess. I never hate them. I never hate anyone in this lifetime. If heaven could hear me, if they can grant me a wish, can God just put me in those years, I wouldn’t mind if the scenes were just replaying every fourteen years, I’m fine with it. 

When the clock strikes at four in the afternoon I take a stand and ready to leave the place. I take my final look at the village before I leave the place. Everyone is busy with their own chores.  I am starting to walk towards the gate but when I reach the gate there is no taxi passing by, even a bus. So I decided to walk towards the terminal that’s thirty minutes away from the village if you walk. No one was walking with me at this moment, I can only see a private transportation like a truck and a private car. After eighteen minutes I am starting to feel nausea and my heart starting to pump faster, it becomes hard for me to breathe. I don’t have water with me and I can’t see and store, no one even here besides of the car. I stop walking to calm my nerves, the heat from the sun is not helping. My visions are starting to get color yellow green, what the—this is my first time having that color of my vision. “No, I can’t die today” I took a deep breath hoping that it can calm my heart. “I promise to tell my parents what I feel before I die, so no, I can’t die today I need to go home” I talk to myself like encouraging my life line to continue moving. I am starting to walk again while I feel my heart want to burst out and be free from my rib cage and everything I see are colored yellow green. “No, I need to tell to my parents face to face how I’m tired and exhausted” ,” I need to tell them that I’m tired to be their backstory”, “I’m weary to be part of their back story”, “I want to go home and tell—“ before finishing my sentence my knees give up that I almost kiss the grass. I took out my phone to my pocket , I texted my nurse where I am, that I should do at first, but because of panicking I forgot to do it until now. Then I look at my parent’s number, I don’t know if I survive today but I need them to know that ‘ I’m tired to be just a backstory’ I sent them a message and close my eyes and lie down to the ground and accepting that I will never return to my house or to my home.