Tony-A Memoir

Tony, a Memoir

Thump. Thump. Thump. By the third bang of his head on the long wooden table, the pain was radiating behind his eyes. A tear trickled down. The first review had come out and it was…not good. Truthfully, it was one of the worst he had seen in a while.

“Derivative…drivel…arrogant.” And those were the least upsetting words from the review.

Seven years. He had spent seven years working to get this book published. Late nights. Countless rejection letters. Thirteen editors who passed it up. Until finally, Mac Lenoy took him under his wing. Guided him to a fully edited and complete book. Worked vigorously to get him published. And now…drivel. Thump. Thump. 

Rrrriiinnng. Rring. Was his brain exploding? “Oh shit”, Tony thought, “that’s my phone.”

“What?” he answered, unmoved by whomever may be on the other end of the line.

“Please tell me you didn’t read it,” Mac’s voice boomed.

“Drivel. Arrogant. Condescending. Wordy without actually portraying any words.”

“Dammit. I told you not to go online today. It’s one review. One sad piece of anonymous shit. The negatives always come through first.”

“Mac, I think I’m done. Thanks for believing in my piece. It’s time I lay down my pen.”

“Tony, it was one review. One reader. Give it time. Your book is brilliant. Sometimes brilliant takes longer.”

“Thanks Mac. If I write again, I will send you my manuscript. For now, I’m taking a break. Going to re-evaluate my life choices. Maybe being an author was on the wrong path-it wasn’t my ‘less traveled’.”

“Tony, just wait. By the end of the week, there will be more reviews. Insane. Brilliant. Moving. I promise the memoir is good.”

“I thought this was going to be it. My big break. My name in the window. That was my dream. Tony Salomi, author extraordinaire. Book signings on Friday nights to packed shops.” Tony wiped a tear trickling down his cheek. “Seems crazy now. Drivel. Arrogant. How can a memoir about a man, an addict in recovery, be arrogant? How can I make my daughter proud with this? This was supposed to explain my life. Maybe it was arrogant to think my past was book worthy.”

“It’s not. I promise. I only back the best. Give it time. Stop looking at the internet. I will call when it’s safe to go back on. For now, pop a beer and celebrate the book launch.” Mac rushed. A deep sigh from Tony in the background.

“Something feels off. I’ve worked for years to finish this piece. And now all I can hear in my head is the horrible review. Over and over.”

“Tony, relax. I promise in a day or two, all will be better. Just let this work itself out.”

Tony quickly hung up the phone. He could not listen to a pep talk right now. One thing was certain though, he would be popping a beer tonight. Two. Maybe half a dozen. Anything to get the voices out of his head.

******

“Sally, it’s Mac. Can you give me a call when you get this? It is important. Please don’t ignore it.” Sally heard fear in Mac’s voice as she listened to her voicemail. After a 12 hour shift at the hospital, the last thing she wanted to do was call her fathers’ editor. She knew the book had come out this week. Reception of it had been sporadic. Some readers loved it, others called it the worst they had ever read. She was indifferent. He was her dad and she loved him. She didn’t like him. That was a harder topic. She mindlessly scrolled through her contacts. Stopped on Mac (Dad) on the list and hit send.

“Sally, thank you for calling me back!” Mac said.

“What’s up? You said it was important?”

“Have you spoken with your father this week?” Mac asked.

“I talked with him last Saturday. He was excited for the book launch. He said he was busy this week. Had three book signings lined up.” Sally said.

“Yeah, but have you talked with him since then?”

“No, I figured he was busy. What is this about Mac?” 

“He missed two book signings. Didn’t show up. No calls to me or the shops. I have called his number 85 times. No answer. I am on my way to his cabin. It’s going to take me four hours to get there. Living off the grid and all. But, Sally, last time I spoke with him, he seemed off. Sad. Defeated almost. I downplayed his concerns. Figured it was one bad review and he would move on. I don’t know why but I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something is wrong.”

“Oh, Mac, I know exactly how you are feeling. Happened to me many times with him. He used to call and tell me goodbye like it would be the last time. He probably forgot to charge his phone and without his phone, he can’t remember anything. Or he found a bar to drown his sorrows. Either way, he is probably fine…But just in case, I will meet you there. I’m leaving the hospital now and heading home. I will take a quick shower and head out. We should both get to the cabin around 8 tonight. He worked too hard for this book to be published, he would not do something now when it finally came true.”

“I hope you are right. Something is just wrong. I know it in my bones.”

“Oh, Mac, you are as dramatic as Tony. No wonder you two get along so well even though you have nothing else in common.”

“True. He is completely opposite me in every way. I’m younger, never was arrested, no kids and sometimes I dream about his daughter,” Mac said with a laugh.

“Ok, thanks for that. Talk to you soon. Call me if anything changes. Oh, and Mac, just so you know - sometimes I dream of you too,” Sally said as she quickly hung up. Cheeks flushed thinking about the editor who had always had a special place in her heart.

*********

Mac stared down at the well lit screen on his phone. Sally dreamed of him too. He would have to revisit that knowledge after he made sure Tony was alright. He clicked off the call screen and returned to his map. ETA 3 hours and 40 minutes. Mac tried calling Tony one more time. Two rings and then, “Sorry, but this mailbox is full.” He hung up, “Shit, shit, shit. Tony what the hell have you done?” Mac asked the air. 3 hours and 38 minutes. This was going to be a long drive.

********

The cabin was dark as Mac pulled up the long driveway. No lights on inside, not even the dull glow of a television. Mac sighed, a smile forming on his face. No lights are good. Tony is probably asleep, maybe sick or hungover. He was an addict years ago. Maybe drinking heavily has become a new vice. He probably should not have recommended beer the other night.

Mac looked at his phone-no messages. He began to step closer to the front door when the twinkling beam of a headlight inched closer down the drive. Sally made good time getting here from the hospital. She must have been going 100 miles per hour the whole way.

“Mac, have you gone inside?” she asked as she exited her SUV.

“I actually just got here myself. Was walking in when I saw your lights. It’s dark in there. I think maybe I got caught up in my own anxiety. Hopefully, we can all laugh about this in an hour.”

“You owe me breakfast in the morning if all is well,” Sally laughed.

“Deal.”

The two began the short walk to the front door. The sounds of the forest breaking the silence. 

“Should I knock?” Mac asked.

“No, I have a key.” Sally said as she began to remove her keychain from her yellow purse.

She quickly unlocked the door and the two entered the large cabin. Sally smiled as she looked around. This was her father’s dream home. He worked hard to make it a reality. Actually built the beautiful cabin on his own while also writing his memoir full time. He always talked about this being his opportunity to show the world he changed. That he was a man she could be proud to call dad. Sadly, Sally could not recall a single moment that she told him it was true. She spent countless years picking up the pieces when he failed. Never once did she say he had made her proud. Hopefully she could tell him tonight.

“Dad. Dad, it’s Sally and Mac. We just want to make sure everything is alright. We have had a hard time getting in touch,” Sally yelled out to the blackness.

Nothing. No response. No movement. No words at all. 

“Tony, you here? We won’t intrude. Just want to make sure you’re ok.” Mac yelled. 

Mac looked at Sally, forehead wrinkles beginning to form. “Sally, why don’t you stay here? I’ll go check his room, in case he’s not decent.” Mac said.

“What is it, Mac? What are you thinking?”

“Let me go first. Can you do that?”

Sally nodded her head, a tear in her left eye. Mac grabbed her hand and squeezed lightly. “It will be okay. He’s probably just in a deep sleep.”

Mac walked down the hallway to the only door on the left. It was closed. He noticed the blue glow of a television under the doorway. The kind of glow that happens after the television has been left on for a long time and has gone to screen saver mode.

Mac slowly pushed the door open, “Tony, are you in here?” Silence. “Tony, come on. This shit isn’t funny.” Mac slid his hand along the wall searching out the light switch. Mac flipped on the light, “Shit, Tony, what the hell did you do?” he whispered.

“Mac, is he down there?” Sally yelled from the hallway.

“Sally, don’t come in. Just stay out for five minutes.”

Sally pushed open the door and moved inside. She looked at Mac and then at the floor beside her fathers bed. Her legs wobble underneath her. Her hand reached up to her chin. “No, no. Daddy what did you do? Daddy,” she yelled as she rushed past Mac and sat down on the floor. She placed her arms under her father’s torso and lifted him into her lap. She began to rock and sway. “Mac, help me. Call 911. Mac, do something.”

Mac looked at the woman sitting on the floor in front of him. He no longer saw a strong doctor who saves people everyday, he saw a little girl who just lost the man who hung the moon.

“He’s gone, Sally. Look at him. He’s been gone for days.”

A sob, loud and long, comes from Sally. “No, no, no. Help me. Help him. Do something Mac.”

Mac leaned down over Sally. He put his arms around her back and slowly calmed her sobbing. “I will call 911. They will want a coroner to come in. But, Sally, he is gone. He is not coming back.”

Sally nodded in agreement, “I know Mac, just let me sit with him for a little while longer. Let me have a moment.”

“I will go call for help.” Mac leaned down and connected his forehead with hers. “Yell if you need me.”

Mac walked out of the room. Sally looked down at the man she loved and hated most days. He was stubborn and addicted, sometimes cruel and harsh. He was also kind and loving and most days her number one fan. He was a father that she loved and a man she sometimes loathed. “Daddy, what did you do? Why didn’t you call me? We could have talked. I had so much bottled up that I always wanted to say. Like that I hated how you missed my high school graduation. Or that I was so angry when you showed up to my college family day high on pills. Or maybe that you hurt me when you would get drunk and you told me I was never going to be a doctor-that I would never be smart or strong enough to do it. Or that I loved you, in spite of all that, I loved you. And most of all, I never got to tell you how absolutely proud of you I was. That you worked through all of those things to become a good man. A man I liked to tell friends and coworkers about. A man who against all odds got clean and wrote a book. That you worked through blood, sweat and tears to make a name for yourself. And you did it. You were the man you wanted to be. And I was a little girl who could finally look into your eyes and see the man I always wanted you to be. Oh, daddy, why didn’t you just call me?” Sally sobbed.

Mac wiped a tear from his eye. “Sally, the police are on their way. I found a bottle on the bathroom counter. Looks like he may have taken too many sleeping pills. I am sure they will want to do an autopsy to be sure.”

“Mac, stop, we know what this is. He was depressed. He had given his life to this book, to finally being seen. And instead he felt rejected. By the people he thought would accept him. And without that, he thought I would never accept him either. Thing is, I accepted his worth years ago. The day he went to rehab. I forgave him that day and never looked back. I just never told him. Man, I wish I had told him. So many regrets.”

“Did you read his book?” Mac asked.

“No, I was too afraid to read his words. Not because I didn’t think it would be good, but because I was so scared to know his truth. To learn what life he struggled with. To know the horrors that he witnessed. I just wasn’t ready to understand.”

Mac looked around the room. He spotted a book laying on the night-stand. He quickly picked it up and flipped to the dedications page. He handed it to Sally.

“Read this.”

Sally scanned the page. She realized it was her father’s book.

For My Daughter,

Who was my reason for being,

Who made me a better man,

Who loved me even when I didn’t love myself,

And who I owe my world to.

From her most imperfect dad.

Sally sobbed again. “Thank you for showing me this. He never questioned my love. Even when I questioned my love, he seemed to know it was always there.” She walked back over to her father, touched his hand and kissed his forehead. “Thank you dad for being imperfect. I never wanted anything else. Goodbye, until we meet again.”

*******

5 Years Later

“Sally, are you sure you want to do this?” Mac asked, rocking their baby in his arms.

Sally turned around and smiled at him. “It is time. Five year anniversary-I have to say something…for him.” She kissed Mac’s cheek and their little girl's forehead. “I hope I don’t cry.”

“This year we are honored to celebrate a memoir written by an incredible author. While he is no longer here to speak about his piece, his daughter, Sally has graciously offered to speak on his behalf. Sally Lenoy, please come and speak about your father’s amazing book.”

Sally walked to the front of the room where the microphone was placed. “Thank you everyone. Thank you so much for coming today to honor this book. This memoir was released five years ago today. My father was so proud of the work that he had accomplished. He was also a man who suffered with many addictions. Addictions that he wrote deeply about in his book. Drug addictions, alcohol addictions. Things that plagued him for many years. One addiction ran into another. And in the end, he became addicted with fame, or more being known in this world. It became as much an addiction as drugs were. When his book took time to soar, he had a hard time dealing with that. So many years devoted to the craft, and he questioned was it all worth it. Sadly, five days after the book release, my father took too many sleeping pills and never woke up. So many things he never knew. Everyday I wish I could go back just one day before he left this world. I wish I could call him and tell him to ignore the voices that say he’s not good enough. I wish I could show him how people would feel about his work and how it would help to change people’s lives. But mostly, I wish I could go back and tell him how proud I was of the man he had become. How much he had shaped me. Would it have changed his decision? Probably not. His demons were louder than most people in this world. I just hope he knows that he was loved. His work is loved. And it did change the world. Thank you.”