strangers

I’m in the passenger seat of my mother’s white Honda Civic, half ready for school and beyond exhausted. I lift my leg up and place my foot on the dashboard to tie my shoe. Criss-cross, pull it under, tighten, bunny ears—I got used to it quickly, when I was a young girl. My brother still can’t tie his shoes, he’s twelve but his mindset is nothing but childish and inexperienced. That’s beside the point, anyway, I finish the first shoe and switch legs to tie the other.

At this point, we’re pulling up to my school and I look up. My heart stops. My mind goes blank. I stop tying my shoe. Talking to my mother. Moving. I stop breathing.

This was it, I saw him. I saw him step out of his car and put on his backpack covered in characters from his favorite anime, One Piece. Why do I still know that? Never mind, it doesn’t matter. My mom is already late for work and I’m going to be late for school if I keep this up. I notice my breathing getting heavier and I instantly attempt to distract myself. I think of what makes me happy, I think of the people I love, I think of my securities, I think of my boyfriend.

Okay, I’m not panicking anymore—at least I think I’m not—and I step out of the car. I only have one earring in and I look like I just rolled out of bed, but it’s fine. I can always fix my appearance later.

The real question is, why did I react like that? Nothing happened other than his presence. I have class with him next, I can’t act like this again. Okay, I’ll be fine. Deep breaths.

It’s 8:26 A.M. and my Biology teacher hasn’t opened her classroom door yet. I slide down the wall and place my bag on the ground next to me. I prop my phone up and put in my other earring. I can still see him, waiting by the door with his AirPods in and mindlessly tuning out the world. I know him so well. My teacher opens her door and everyone gets up off the ground and walks toward her class. My friend yells at me to walk faster, we both laugh subtly and move on with our work.

I forgot he sits next to me. I sit down in my seat and place my bag on the ground, book on the desk. He sits behind me and I start thinking. I can’t be this close to him. I can’t. I dread seeing him everyday. This wouldn’t be the first time I was overwhelmed because of him, and something tells me this won’t be the last.

I feel my breaths get heavier, my hands and legs shakier. I’m aggressively bouncing my right leg and my hands are too shaky to put my head in. It’s bad. Really bad. Then, the unthinkable happens. Never in my life could I have saw this coming.

He notices. I get a notification on my phone, “You good, kid?” and I freeze. Nothing around me is moving, nobody’s talking, everything is silent. Everything is still. It’s like time stopped.

He’s had me blocked for so long but he unblocked me a few days ago, out of nowhere, to talk about the drama and rumors going around. Don’t even get me started about that day, that incident. Let’s just say I was far from fine. I snapped out of it and clicked on his contact—I still had it saved, I couldn’t just delete him like that. I respond with short and concise messages, “no” and “but it’s okay”.

Why would he text me? He wants nothing to do with me anymore and I don’t really blame him. He’s never noticed before, or if he has then he’s never mentioned it to me. Why now? Why act like you’re here for me now? The panic I feel across my entire body only intensifies. He asks me what’s wrong. How am I supposed to tell him that it’s him? His literal existence. I can’t just say that. I type the quickest response I can think of that won’t give away anything, “I don't know, I’m like having a mini panic attack”.

To my surprise, he doesn’t just dismiss it: “You wanna go for a walk real quick or do you need a hug or something?”. I have no words. I don’t know how I’m feeling anymore. I don’t know if I’m relieved and comforted or if I’m just masking the fact that I’m only panicking more.

We haven’t had any form of interaction since January. I walked up to him that day, joking about him constantly ignoring me, and he walked away. I found out later that afternoon that I was blocked on everything. Cut off, no context given. That’s why I don’t know how or what to feel. I’m about to have another interaction with the man I haven’t spoken to in who knows how long. He gets out of his seat and tells our teacher he’s going to the bathroom. I, still frozen, just watch until I get the courage to stand up. “I’ll be right back, don’t worry,” I call out to my teacher as I follow him into the hallway.

By now, I’m tearing up and I’m breathing heavily. We just stand there, in silence, for a moment until our eyes linked. I went in for the hug and he hugged me back. He didn’t let go for a bit, making sure he could comfort me and be there for me. God, the hug must’ve lasted a solid minute. His arms around my body, my head in his shoulder. It was…relieving? I never thought this would happen but I’m not entirely sure if I regret it.

He walks with me, talking me through my attack, to the end of the hall and the doors of the stairwell. “Do you want to sit down for a minute?” he asks me as he opens the right stairwell door for me. I nod my head and we both sit down on the third step. I’m still a mess, shaking and lightly crying, each breath feeling like a weight on my shoulders. He talks with me, trying to figure out the cause. I don’t even care about hiding it anymore. I tell him straight up. “What were you thinking about at the moment?,” he asks. I lightly chuckle before I respond, “You.”

He pauses for a moment, very briefly but I can still tell how my words affected him. “Are you afraid? Happy? Sad?” he continues on. How am I going to answer this? I barely even know myself, I just know that it’s hard to be near him. I respond with “I don’t know,” and put my head down. He looks over and pulls me closer, holding me and caressing his thumb against my arm. “It’s going to be fine. You’re going to be okay,” are the words I hear him repeat over and over.

Does he still care? God, I missed this so much. I missed our friendship so much, but he let his feelings get in the way. I missed having that best friend I could confide in and I knew would always be there for me. Maybe he does still care.

I sit up from his grasp and chuckle, “How are you doing?” I know he’s been doing better, mentally and overall, and I’m so happy for him. Seeing him want to live, want to be stable, happier than before—it’s insane to me. He tells me that he’s been good and he’s been getting the help he needs. He hasn’t felt this way for the longest and it’s so absurd. I’m already crying but hearing that he’s doing so well just makes the tears run more. Knowing as much as I do about him and being able to see that progress means the world to me. I do care about him with everything in me and I promised I’d always be there for him, I meant that.

We talk for a little while longer before he walks me back to class. He gives me another hug, just to make sure I was okay, and I knew in that moment that everything had changed—we were no longer strangers.