Obsession

Just one more time. I know I can win. I have to. The money I’ve already spent was borrowed. I have to pay it back. No one can know. I can’t let anyone know. Please. Just one more time. I won't ask again. This is my lucky day. I knew it the moment I found that card on the side of the road. You don’t understand. A problem? No. I don’t have a problem. I’ll win. You’ll see. Yes. One more. That’s all I can afford anyway.

What did I tell you? Didn’t I say I’d win. This is amazing. It’s all I’ve ever dreamed of. It’s exhilarating. It’s my lucky day. I should reinvest it. I should play again. Take my winnings and go? I could do that. Yes. You’re right. I should take my winnings and go. But the jackpot… I could win the jackpot, and it’s my lucky day. You saw. You saw that it’s my lucky day. You didn’t think I’d win and then I won. Yes, of course I’ll remember to set aside the money I borrowed so I can pay it back. But this, this isn’t the best I can do. I can get more. I just need to bet more. I just need to buy a higher stakes lotto ticket. That’ll make my chances of winning even better. I can do it. I can win the jackpot. It’s my lucky day.

What do you mean other responsibilities. If I win, I can quit my job. Isn’t that something worth staying for? No. Just a little longer. Don’t look at me like that. I know I’ll win. I can feel it. I already won once. I can win again. Five more. Yes, I know there’s a winner here. I can taste it. What do you mean that’s what I said about the last five. Okay, maybe it is. But this time I’m right. Remember, I already won some. I can win more.

Your shift is over? Too bad you’ll miss seeing me win. Nice to meet you. Goodbye.

…

Yes. I’m still here. Look. I won two more times. Sure, they weren’t as much as the first time, but I won again. You didn’t think I’d be able to do it. Why would you say that? I’m not wasting my time. I won. I’ll win again, and not just some small amount. I’ll win the jackpot. Okay. Yes. I was here all night. It doesn’t matter that I lost my job. I can win again. I won’t need it. It’s my lucky day today for sure. Today I really will win the jackpot.

…

I told you I’d win the jackpot. Now I’m set. $5,000 a month for the next 10 years. What do you mean I’ll spend it. Some of it, sure. There are always more jackpots to be won. But I’m set. Don’t you see. I’m set. Five more. See? If I buy five a day, I can make it last. It’s okay. It’s just a reinvestment. You didn’t believe I’d win before and then I won. I’ll win again. You should feel it. It’s exhilarating. It feels so good when you win. Sure it’s a little nerve wracking when you lose. Sometimes you think you’ll always lose. Sometimes you think you’re wasting your money. Then you win. It’s amazing. Now I can do everything I’ve always dreamed of. See that car out there? Brand new. I’m leasing it. I’ve never driven anything new before. Of course, after that, and my new studio apartment there isn’t much left for food, but that’s why I’m reinvesting the money. Five tickets. If I win on even one, I can afford to eat. If I win the jackpot, I can get nicer stuff. Five a day until I win. I will win. I won before. I’ll win again.

…

I lost the apartment. That’s okay. I’ll get something cheaper with my next installment. Then I’ll buy more than five a day because that increases my chances of winning again. I will win again. You’ll see. The car? Had to give it back. Couldn’t keep up the payments. It’s okay. I just need to win again. Really, it’s better this way. Now I can spend the money on more tickets and food.

A job? Why would I do that? I’m set for the next ten years. I have all the time in the world and $5,000 a month to spend however I want. Five more please.

…

Friends? Goodness no. They all come out of the woodwork as soon as you win. They all want stuff. They all demand to be paid back the money you borrowed even though you’re spending everything just to survive. Yeah. I found a new place. I had to furnish it myself. Everything I got was from one of those rent-to-own places. Too bad that doesn’t leave much of my monthly installment. Enough for more tickets, though. Well, you can’t win if you don’t play. The jackpot is getting bigger. I’m sure I’ll win it again.

I’m starting to get tired of this. I’m just not buying tickets with a large enough payoff. That’s the problem. If I’d won the jackpot on one of the bigger tickets then I’d be set for sure. I just need to increase the stakes. Yes, I’m sure. Why do you always doubt me. You know, if you played you could win too. It is not rigged. I won, didn’t I? You can’t win if you don’t play.

…

I just paid off the last of my furniture installments. It took 9 ½ years, but I did it. Now I’ll be on easy street as soon as I win again. Say, you’ve been working here a long time. You’re always here, doubting me. Telling me I shouldn’t be spending my money on this. Telling me I have a problem. But I won. Remember. Yes, you do. You were here. It was years ago, when I won the jackpot, but I’ll win again. You’ll see.