Another Late Night

I checked my phone over and over with the only change to my notifications being my gmail icon popping up with two more job rejections. I tossed my phone on my bed and walked to the kitchen, being as silent as possible not to wake my sleeping parents. I was already having a bad night and I wouldn't want to add an angry father and a confused mother to my list of things to worry about. 

I opened the fridge, letting the cool air trail over my arms as I looked for anything small I could nibble on. I'd thought that there were some grapes left over but those were gone, probably blended with the juice that dad had made earlier today. I shuffled around some leftover juice boxes and food containers, sighing when I found three day old dumplings I thought I’d thrown out. My stomach grumbled and with a sigh, I took out the box and tossed them on the table. 

I walked back to my room, shutting the door as quietly as possible before crawling underneath my sheets and unlocking my phone. Still nothing. I took a breath, then two, then three, then put my phone back down screen first. I wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight for the third day this week and it was all her fault. It was a small joke, nothing serious. Something that she would always do herself. I would never let myself get as mad as she was acting, playing it up to where I’m the bad guy. I went along with it because she started it and had the nerve to say “I’m angry at you. You made me feel bad.” What about what I’m feeling? “You don’t love me.” or “Why do you hate me? You don’t want me anymore, do you?”

I got up from my bed, pacing. I couldn’t keep myself still anymore. My head was pounding and the room was beginning to spin. My hands were cramping from the clenched fists. I wanted to hit something so badly, I wanted to scream but I- 

“One breath in, one breath out.” I whispered, “One breath in, one breath out.” I felt my trembling hands unfurl from their tight cocoon and folded my arms, more to keep myself from digging my nails into my palm again. I don’t remember how long I stood there, but the buzzing of my phone snapped me out of my thoughts. I leapt over to the bed, my hands shaking as I struggled to turn my phone over to read whatever message I’d just gotten.

Her: [Are you okay?]

Me: [Yeah, I’m doing pretty alright. Just eating a little late night snack.] Keep it light, keep it casual I thought to myself. 

Her: [That’s nice.] I couldn’t help but scoff. Leaving me on read for up to an hour and that’s all you can say? No other follow up than “Are you okay?”. Whatever, it really wasn’t that important then.

Her: [What are you eating?] 

Me: [The leftover dumplings we got a while ago. They’re pretty good.] I could barely taste the mix of white sauce and soy as it mixed in my mouth.

Her: [Cool cool. So, I know it might be a bit sudden, but do you want to talk for a bit. Call I mean, just to make sure you know what I mean. We don’t have to, it’s okay!] 

For a moment, I felt my heart melt and my finger hovered over the call button before I pulled it back. I didn’t want to make it seem so easy. Make myself look so vulnerable that she felt I would come running whenever she asked. I waited one minute and then another forty five seconds. And then I called.

“Hey.” Her voice sounded muffled on the other side of the line and a little nasally. Was she crying?

“Hello hello.” I did my best to keep my voice leveled, feeling that my pitch was a little too high.

We sat in silence for a moment, me booting up my playstation and scrolling back and forth between my game and video menus while she scrolled through Tik Tok. 

“I’m sorry.” I was pulled back from my daze by the sudden apology. I opened my mouth, ready to say something mean or condescending, to express how upsetting it was that she thought a simple ‘sorry’ would do anything to fix the situation. 

“It’s okay.” I said. I could hear her slowly releasing her breath. I couldn’t help the small smile on my face knowing that I had her worried. And then I felt terrible. I could tell she was ready to talk to me, willing to offer me that olive branch and remind me that if I had any frustrations to air out, that it was okay. I wanted to make her feel guilty but she wouldn’t do that. 

She would let me know.

“No, it’s not fine Tanya.” I could hear her holding her breath again. “What you said hurt me and I didn’t like it. We’re having a conversation over something that we both know is a joke. We laugh about it and then we try it out for ourselves. And you’re the one who starts it after I say something that we both know isn’t anything serious.” My teeth clench and my fingers tighten around my phone. “Here I am trying to apologize over and over and over and you’re just sitting there, texting me back that everything is fine and that you’re okay. That it was just a joke and that I shouldn’t worry. And then you turn right around and tell me that you didn’t like how I said something or that I said something simple in a certain tone that made you feel weird?!”

She’s stifling a sniffle on the other end of the line. The slight shuffling of her sitting up and leaning forward. What she normally does when she’s trying to understand. Trying to listen…

“Do you know how weird I feel any time you pull that “I must not love you enough” all because I said ‘no’?” Like why are you expecting me to be okay with you saying things like that when we’ve had the conversation before that it makes me feel awkward?! Makes me feel that I’m not doing enough for you when I practically jump at the chance to do anything that I know will make you feel good!! So why are you asking me questions like that?!? I know you’re joking, yeah that's cool, that’s funny! But it still doesn’t feel good and I don’t understand why you don’t get that when I clearly do!!”

I didn’t realize how loud I’d been until I heard a knock at my door. “Marqus? Everything okay there?” My mother had called out.

“I have to go. Goodnight.” I hung up, cutting Tanya off before she could tell me to wait.