love is dangerous

“I don’t fall in love. I don’t want to be loved or love someone else.”

“Why?” 

“Love is dangerous. When someone loves you, they can hurt you in far worse ways than if nobody loves you. If nobody loves you, you have a safety net of solitude.”

“Poetic wording, bud. We both know you love me, I’ve seen how you look at me!” Cal had thought saying that might result in Margalit initiating a kiss, or at the very least snap her out of her denial. He hadn’t expected her breath to hitch as she began pleading.

“No, no, please, no, I don’t.”

“Margalit. Calm down.” Cal placed his hands on her shoulders, unaware that the only thing keeping Margalit from flinching was a lifetime of instincts that had taught her she had to accept being touched. 

Margalit didn’t have to accept love, though. Not in this case. She had no choice but to love her family and show it the way they deemed acceptable, but Cal was a friend. Margalit had thought Cal was her friend, but now he had his hands on shoulders and she couldn’t move, waiting for him to do what he wanted regardless. Call’s intense gaze scrutinized her behavior before he gently asked “What’s so dangerous about love? You don’t have to act on it, I just thought we shouldn’t keep ignoring what’s between us.”

“I don’t love you. I won’t! Stop lying, just take what you’re going to but stop coating it in the language of love!”

“What the fuck are you talking about, M? Take what - what? What are you accusing me of?”

“Your hands are on my shoulders. You think I love you. Just do what you want to me but stop acting like you care about my feelings while doing it!”

“Mar, are you - you’re crying.” Cal removed a hand from Margalit’s shoulder, planning on wiping away the tear but he then thought better of that idea and put both of his hands back to his sides, stepping slightly away from the short woman, who’s eyes were now shut to keep the tears from leaving, to keep her emotions - which weren’t love! She didn’t love! - from being visible, being able to be used against her because that’s always what happened after love was brought into the picture.

“Mar, I’m sorry I said that to you, I shouldn’t have, but you - whatever’s wrong can’t be dealt with by shutting me out.”

“You’re not going inside of me! No! Not - not again…” Margalit denied, and Cal was horrified she had used his metaphorical talk as literal, as -

“Margalit, did someone rape you?”

Margalit couldn’t stand any more, couldn’t risk giving Cal a bigger target so she slid down the wall, hugging her knees to chest, knowing if Cal was towering over her, that at least meant he wasn’t touching her. The concrete of the alleyway would be fine. Margalit hadn’t liked the pants she was wearing anyway.

“I don’t fall in love. I don’t want to be loved! Please don’t love me…”

Cal met his friend where she was, sitting on the floor next to her despite knowing he would have difficulty getting back up. “I won’t.” Cal went to place his hand on Margalit’s knee - physical contact had always been how they expressed themselves with one another before, but Margalit peeled his fingers off of her before he had actually touched her.

“No! No, don’t love me, don’t touch me, please Jason,” Margalit begged, and Cal’s blood ran cold. Jason was Margalit’s older brother, who had always been teasingly affectionate with her, or so it had seemed to Cal until today. Until this revelation Cal mistakenly had thought he had regarding Margalit’s staring at him had morphed into Margalit quietly shaking and rocking back and forth, trying to sooth herself and being haunted by invisible hands. Cal didn’t know what to do.

“I’m not Jason, Mar, it’s Cal. I’m not touching you, if you opened your eyes, you could see that.” Cal had his hands raised, as though to show he wasn’t touching her, his hands were not where Margalit imagined or felt hands, and those eyelids did open, Margalit saw Cal, the boy she had trusted unquestioningly, had embarrassed herself with and for, looking devastated because she had thought he would be like Jason.

“Cal, I don’t love you. I won’t love you.”

“I hear you, I understand that now. I’m sorry I misunderstood. Look, can we talk about what you just said, though? About your brother?”

“You won’t believe me.”

“Honestly, Mar, I will believe just about anything about Jason. Dude has always been… off.”

“Yeah, that’s about right,” Margalit chuckled wetly, crying slowing down but snot still dripping from her nose into her mouth, which she allowed because that meant it wouldn’t dry on her upper lip. “He loves me. I don’t… I don’t want to be loved.”

You’ve said that about a hundred times now. Cal thought but couldn't say that. Not when his friend was hurting so badly, in such a fucked up way he never would have known about had he not seriously misunderstood her intentions. “What does that mean?”

“First, don't tell anyone?" Margalit pleaded, and Cal nodded. He had nobody else he would tell, Mar was one of his few friends and none of his other friends knew her. Mar continued talking. "He - he touches me, and not - not like what we’re like with one another. God, I thought I must be healing, that I’m able to be friends with a guy and be tactile but - when you said I love you, I thought - I don’t think I can say it.”

“Okay, that’s okay. Look, how about we head to my place and - and we don't have to talk about shit anymore? We could just watch some shitty movies or YouTube..."

"Can we order in that cheesy garlic bread? And can I stay tonight? Jason's going to be -"

"Yes, yeah, of course. I wouldn’t feel okay with you going home to him tonight anyway. We'll get cheesy garlic bread and a chicken broccoli Alfredo pizza for dinner tonight."

Margalit stood up, and Cal followed. The two friends began walking towards Cal's apartment.