Starting over

It was morning. The sun pierced through the dusty, and bare white blinds right into her swollen eyes. Another night of bawling. She breathed in deeply and let out a deep and slow sigh. ‘What time is it? I’m going to be late…’ She thought as she sluggishly inched around in her bed. ‘Wait… oh yeah… I have nowhere to go anymore.’ She closed her eyes tightly, holding back more tears. She hid her head underneath her comforter and laid there. She would cry, come from underneath her comforter for air, silently stare at the dust as it danced in the sunlight, then retreated underneath her comforter. She repeated this cycle until she was mentally exhausted and quite literally cried herself back to sleep.

 Liona Scott, mid-twenties, just lost a job in her career again. Liona worked as a Pharmacy Technician, where the position itself can be lucrative depending on who was your employer. But for Liona, it has been a nonstop financial struggle. With each job, she earns more and more, but the cost of living negated any progress she made. She’s been a technician for over five years now and does her job very well; winning awards, training others, learning more and gaining extra credentials. Just like most things Liona does, she does it well. Which is why the closer she gets to her thirties, the more frustrated and disappointed she becomes about her current life situation.

Chiming from the front door opening gently wakes Liona. She holds her breathe and focuses her hearing to hear who just walked through the door based off the sound of their keys and footsteps. 

‘What’s Mommy doing here?’ She slightly shuffled to her phone to check the time. 

‘Wow its’ already 6 o’clock… how quickly time passes when you have no life.’ She thought letting out a silent sigh. She quickly pretended to be sleep as she heard footsteps heading towards her room. ‘I’m not in the mood to be lectured… I know I’m a failure…She doesn’t have to come rub it in.’ Liona thought as she tried to avoid the foreboding conversation.

“Li?” A knock pierced the silence. The room door slowly creaked open as Liona’s mother peeked through the crack.

“Hey…” Liona responded weakly as she peeped her head from underneath her comforter.

“Aww, I heard what happened…” Her mother said softly.

‘Great… just jump right in the thick of it, huh?’ Liona thought as her chest shook from crying so hard.

              “Yepp… I am unemployed…again.” She responded as she sat up on her bed revealing her former work uniform. “I went into work as usual and within the first hour I had a meeting with my supervisor, then she added H.R. to the call.”

              “Well at least you got paid for the hour that you were there.” Liona’s mom slightly chuckled, trying to lighten the mood.

              “Well, an hour of pay can’t pay bills…” Liona said under her breathe as a tear fell down her cheek.

              “Look Li, I know it hurts to lose your job out of nowhere, but you’ll be able to find another one. Just start looking. Consider this a mini vacation…”

              “A vacation is no fun with no money, Mother. I just… “Liona voiced shook as she looked to the ceiling holding back tears. “I just want to be able to function as a proper adult…” The tears started cascaded down her rosy cheeks.

              “You’re doing the best you can in these times. Things changed from when I was your age. So, I get it, honestly everyone is having a hard time. So don’t be so hard on yourself.”

              “But Mommy, when you were my age, you had two kids and your own place… and I can’t even manage that…”

              “But even you remember how hard it was for me back then.” Liona’s Mother sat on the bed next to her. Liona agreed with her silence. “Just think about it like this, you didn’t really like this job so think of it as a favor. This could also be a blessing from God in disguise, Li! Just pray on it.”

              “It’s like I have faith that God will do something… “

‘Although my faith is extremely small right now…’

              “But I’m overall just disappoint in myself. I could’ve cared about having a job before I was at risk of losing it. I took advantage of what I had and look at me now… without.” Liona said holding her head down.

              “Forgive yourself, you’ve always been your own toughest critic, Give yourself some grace, Liona.” Liona’s mother gently lifted her head, looking at her puffy eyed daughter.

              “I wish I knew how. Can I be honest, Mommy? I hate myself and I regret existing. If I was never born, you would’ve never been a teenage mother and traded your dreams and aspirations for struggle and heartache. I blame myself for dropping out of college because I was young and dumb. I blame myself for getting pregnant by someone who didn’t want to be a father. I feel so bad for my baby to have a mother like me. I can’t get my adult life together even for him… I am trying my best, but my best is just not good enough… it’s not fair…” Liona cried reminiscent to a child that lost their favorite toy. “I do what I am supposed to do… I do what I was taught to do, but nothing is changing directly IN. MY. LIFE. I don’t know what I am doing so wrong…” Liona’s Mother sat in silence as she watched her baby girl bawl.

‘I don’t know what to say that would make her feel better. Reality ate, chewed her up, and spit her right out like it did the rest of us. I want to comfort her, but I know she probably can’t see past this situation right now… I need to just say something…’ Liona’s Mother thought, rubbing Liona’s back as she cries.

              “Life isn’t fair, but you just gotta keep living…” 

‘I don’t wanna…’ Liona pouted. 

              “I just want to disappear. I just want to stop feeling this way, I don’t want the next day to come… I just want it all to stop…” Liona suddenly stopped crying and distantly stared at the wall.