Destrudo

I’m compelled to tell you, before I say anything else about myself, that I am not normal. You’ll understand exactly how not normal I am soon, and I’m sure the revelations will be terrifying; “my life, everyone’s life, is in the hands of someone like that?”

But how could it be otherwise? If normal people were capable of saving the world then the world wouldn’t be in such dire need of saving. It’s the normal people, the people like you, that let it happen. I was working to prevent this while you played their games, traded your power for sad convenience and hollow comfort. And you, people like you, looked down on me for it. Like some asshole who always finds a reason to mention his BMW or his expensive new watch, imagining how envious everyone else must be while they imagine how someone can be so insufferable without realizing it. You judged me for losing the game while I judged you for playing.

And now here we are. Now you see what I saw so long ago, and you want out, but it’s too late. You’re not a player anymore, and pawns can’t just decide to quit whenever they want. Do you still look down on me? I’m certain that you do. When proven wrong, most people prefer to charge their embarrassment to the account of whoever was right. Your ego won’t stop boiling until you can put yourself back “where you belong,” until you can think up a way to diminish me and place yourself above me once again. It may be too late to quit the game, but you can at least learn who’s really on your team and who’s not.

Let me interrupt myself - I don’t hate you. I feel the need to state that explicitly. I’m not unaware that my resentment is showing, but that doesn’t mean I hate you, I understand you too well for that. All you did, all you ever do, is the only thing you can do; I must admit, had I never been forced outside the lines, I’d be too afraid to step outside of them too. Over the last several years, as I slowly came to understand what I must do, I actually began to develop a real love for people. Love for humanity is a pure and nearly infinite source of energy, one cannot do without it if they hope to save the world, so I cultivated it. Again, I’m aware of how I must sound to you, but just because my emotions are more prudently chosen than yours doesn’t make them any less valid, I do love you. My resentment is ephemeral, but my love is as enduring as I could possibly make it, given the mental resources I had available at the time.

I don’t want to come off too strange, I suspect I’ve shown too much of myself too soon and you’re probably getting close to writing me off completely, but it’s important to me that you actually read all of this, so I’ll get to the good part very soon. If you’re reading this, you’ve recently got your first glimpse of what the world really is, and you’re one of the few(“few” is an estimate, I’m writing this before everything happened) who want to know more instead of less. I can certainly give you more, just please try not to hold it against me.

What I did may feel like it shook the world, but to be honest, it barely cracked the surface. It did crack the surface, though, which is exactly what was called for at the time. Any more than that would’ve risked what I call “ontological shock.” Prior experience has taught me that, if you must destroy someone's worldview, it’s best to do it by degrees, let their psyche adapt to each bit before moving on to the next, otherwise their defense mechanisms get overloaded and the only way to protect their own mind is to sever their grasp on reality entirely. Surely you understand what I mean, you’ve probably been watching it happen to everyone around you, the ones who invented their own realities in order to look away from the one I exposed. But if I calibrated correctly, and I’m fairly certain I did, then there are at least a few people like you who are still capable of bearing the truth, and that should be enough.

You knew things were bad before all of this. People were reasonably safe, and they had their distractions and their amusements, but that’s it, they had nothing real. That was by design(theirs, not mine). It made them predictable, easy to control. Fill everyone with fear and make the future seem uncertain, let them exhaust themself trying to find a morsel of security, and when they’re just about to give up, reveal the golden road to salvation. Frightened, exhausted people will walk that road no matter where it leads, it doesn’t matter if it’s paved with corpses, just make sure it has some nice scenery to look at instead and they’ll gladly ignore what’s under their feet. They weren’t people, they were automata. They had no real love left in their souls, only a deep, buried fear, which eventually became too heavy to ever escape on its own. When I cracked the surface it all came out though, and you didn’t run, because in your own vague way you already knew.

Sorry to interrupt myself again, and I know things are rough for you right now, but I can’t tell you how happy I am. If you’re reading this, then I’m not alone anymore, this terrible world I’ve been trapped in, this terrible world that nobody could see but me, it’s not empty anymore. You are here with me. And the false world, the one that took everyone from me, is up in flames. I truly am sorry, I know it’s a rough transition for you, but it had to be done. At least now you know how I’ve felt all along, at least someone out there lives in a world that overlaps with my world. I’m certain of it. Do you know what it’s like when your world doesn’t even touch anyone else’s? You can’t even talk to people, you can speak, but the words lose their meaning before they reach anyone, they freeze up and shatter uselessly in the empty space.

Now that we are together, and the false world is destroyed, we can finally do something. Of course, they will try to put things back how they were, reconstruct the false world where they can control everything and everyone. And, of course, I’ve accounted for that in my plan. They’ll use the fear and anxiety created by all this chaos to try and herd everyone back to their world. They’ll create a new golden road, and it will be tempting, but you won’t walk it. You’ll recognize it this time, the real world will feel like a painfully cold blizzard that goes on and on and on, you’ll be desperate for just a single moment of relief, and then you’ll see a nice warm hut with a fire going, good food, good company, and a nice warm bed to sleep in, but you’ll know what it is. You won’t walk that road this time because you know where it leads. You’ve seen the real world, you’ve got a glimpse of the suffering I’ve been enduring, you won’t leave me all alone again. I’m certain of it.

The others, the ones who couldn’t help but look away, I’m sorry but I can’t do anything for them. I know that must include most of the people that you care about. Don’t worry too much though, they don’t have to bear the blizzard, and their new huts will be at least as comfortable as their old ones, it’s best to just forget about them and move on. You’ll miss them, you’ll feel lonely for a while, but we’ll have each other, and I’ll help you through it. I’ve been lonely for so long, I can’t wait to help you through it.

As for you, if you’ve opened this document then I’ve already tracked your location, so don’t worry, I’ll come find you, and anyone else who made it this far. Please don’t try to run or hide, I know you may be tempted, but if you’re afraid of me that’s just because you’re afraid to let go of the old world. But the old world is gone, I killed it, and your only choice is between me and them, which isn’t much of a choice at all, right? I know you’ll choose correctly, I know we’ll be together soon. I’m certain of it.

I want you to know that everything I did, it was the only option. I made sure to keep the casualties as low as possible. They would never bother with that, efficiency is their only concern. You’ve seen the documents I leaked, the videos, you know it was justified, you’re not one of the ones who look away, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this. I’ve tried less drastic measures, I’ve tried simply showing people the real world, but they couldn’t see it, the false world had to be destroyed first, there was no other way. It must feel terrible right now, because you’re still out in the blizzard, but I have a plan to get you out. I’ve laid out my own road, just for you.

I’ll show you my road after I come find you. I don’t know where it leads, that’s something we can figure out together. My road isn’t golden, it doesn’t have such nice scenery, but at least it’s real. And yes, technically, my road is also paved with corpses, but I don’t plan on looking the other way. We’ll face reality together and feel the full weight of every step. If we are forced to, we’ll even pave a new path, and we’ll properly honor each body we use, and we’ll get through it, because we have each other. And I won’t be alone anymore, and my world will finally be real, and my words will reach you intact, and we’ll build our own hut, and we’ll eat and laugh and joke about all this like an old story between old friends. I’m certain of it.