The People's Choice / Forever Up

“And we're back.

So, Mr. Sanchez, what would you say are the key components of your platform?”

“Well, I am running on the goals of universal healthcare, a free education system for all, a fairer justice system, and a stronger economy. I believe if we strengthen these areas in our lives, we will greatly strengthen everyone's overall quality of life.”

“Thank you, Mr. Sanchez. And you, Mr. Miller? What are the main components that you’re running on?”

“Beer.”

“Umm.. I’m sorry?”

“Beer. Better, cheaper bear for everybody because it really takes the edge off after a long day of work and it helps you have a good time with your buddies. I mean, who doesn’t like beer?!?”

“Umm.. Okay... Beer. Anything else you'd like to add?”

“More shade.”

“More shade?”

“More shade. Like, I don’t know about you, Nancy, but I hate being hot. It just is not fun. And I swear it gets hotter every year. We need more shade!! For cryin' out loud.”

“But sir, aren’t you also against land conservation and, just last year, you approved the clearing of hundreds of thousands of trees throughout the country in favor of more real estate opportunity?”

“…So? What point are you tryin' to make, Nancy?”

“Umm… You just said a key part of your platform is giving people more shade, to help protect from the heat and sun. Trees tend to often help with that.”

“Who said anything about trees? Buildings and other manmade things can also provide shade, Nancy. Trees aren't really necessary—”

“Umm well, actually—”

“I mean, what else are they really doing but just being in the way? I have so many people who want to build things but they have nowhere to build them, because of all these trees around!! Where are they supposed to build them, Nancy, huh? Huh?!”

“Well, as part of my vision for this country, I would be sure to prioritize preserving our diverse natural resources, whether it’s our many beautiful trees, our various water sources, or our immense abundance of life-nourishing vegetation. In so much of the world and especially this country, ecosystems are being compromised because intrusive, unchecked construction, expansion, and the urban footprint are coming in and throwing off the natural order of things. We have certain animal and insect populations that are in grave danger of endangerment. And because of the food chain, other animals and insects that rely on that population to live then also begin to die out. It’s all gotta stop!!”

“Oh shut up.”

“Excuse me?”

“Shut up. You’re such a show-off!”

“I am not. I’m just speaking facts!”

“You are so. And you’re so outta touch. You up here talkin' some high-falootin’ fancy words that most people don’t understand or even wanna understand. They can see right through your fakeness and tryin' so hard. That’s why so many voted for me and made me president last time. Because they’re tired of the fakeness! They want what’s real!!”

“Umm… How is talking about preserving natural resources….fake?”

“What even is ‘natural resources’—don’t nobody care about that!!’

“Uhh gentleman. Gentleman!! Please. We need order.”

“Naw, Nancy, I think everyone is tired of his going around talkin' and actin' like he’s better than everyone! The people can see it!! Pfft… ‘Natural resources’…”

“Oh, then I suppose the cost and quality of beer is a much more fitting crisis for us to worry about, huh?’

“As a matter of fact, it is.”

“Yeah, let’s make sure the people can afford beer while they still can’t afford healthcare, food, or a roof over their heads. But hey, at least they'll be able to drown their sorrows in beer!.”

“Are you mockin’ me, boy?!”

“Gentleman!! Please. We have to move on to the next question.”

“Go 'head, Nancy…”

“Yes, Ms. Chi. Please proceed…”

“Thank you, gentleman. Now, Mr. Miller, I'd like to ask you about your controversial planned Forever Up policy, one of the first things you said you’ll implement, should you be elected for a second term. Can you tell us a little bit about that?”

“Yes, Nancy, as a matter of fact I can. I just think that for far too long now, things have been becoming less and less fair for a certain big part of the population of this country: Men! There’s been such a focus for so long on everybody else that men have increasingly been ending up with the short end of the stick. They've been having to give in to all the whims of everybody else and lose out on their own success, comfort, and convenience in the process! It isn't right!! And I wanna be the first to finally do something about it.

So, on Day 1 of my new term, I plan to enact Forever Up, which will mandate that all public toilet seats—especially in government buildings but also in public businesses and especially public businesses that get government money—have to have the seat up by default. No more men having to lift the seat to piss—ulp, I mean pee. Or uhh…urinate. When they gotta go, they get ta’ just go! Like everybody else has been able to do all along…”

“I see, sir. Do you think it’s possible that kind of policy will alienate your women supporters, making them less likely to back you in the voting booth?”

“...How?”

“Uhh ‘how’ what, sir?”

“How would that alienate, uhh.. them? This will help make things a little easier for men. It doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else.”

“But now women will always have to put the seat down before they’re able to use any public restroom.”

“You mean what men have been having to do in reverse since the beginnin' of time? They'll be alright. I think it’ s about time to even things out a bit, don’t ya' think?”

“Uhh.. I suppo—”

“Also, I haven’t officially announced this yet, but I recently signed a multi-billion-dollar deal with a famous toilet company to begin building toilets where the seat springs back up on its own. If you need to sit on it, you’ll have to hold it down.”

“I see.

Mr. Sanchez, I understand you have policies planned more with women—and women’s rights—in mind, is that correct?”

“As if there aren’t already enough of those around, am I right?!”

“Uhh Mr. Miller, please. Let Mr. Sanchez answer the question.”

“I would, but it’s kinda hard standing around, seein' only half the population catered to year after year while the other half continues to suffer silently but tremendously.”

“’Tremendously’? You think men suffer ‘tremendously’?”

“I’m sure that’s what I just said—”

“Gentlemen…”

“No, no, Ms. Chi. Please. Let him finish. I want to make sure women start having equal pay, that they’re able to have longer maternity leave after bringing new life into this world, and strengthen their protections and the consequences of crimes against them in a flawed justice system.

But please, Mr. Miller, enlighten us. In addition to how we use the restroom, to the point of needing to mandate the toilet default to a form that’s entirely unhelpful to them—and also half-unhelpful to men, by the way, essentially making its default useful for around a quarter of its primary use cases—what other ways do you feel like men tend to suffer so ‘tremendously,’ compared to women?”

“I mean, where do we begin… Who has to hold the doors open? Or at least folks say you’re supposed to. Who has to squash the bugs that pop up at home? When others are on their time of month or whatever, who has to be screamed at and go without sex for an unusual amount of time? Not to mention, the pressure we tend to face, steppin' into a lot of leadership positions, from business all the way up to government… They don’t got that kinda pressure!!!”

“And so, let me get this straight—that’s…their fault?”

“I don’t know whose fault it is, Steve. I’m just sayin' what it is! And that it ain’t right!”

“Gentlemen, I’m sorry I have to stop you, but we're soon coming to a close. For your last question… What is the last statement you want to leave with the People? Your final words?

Mr. Sanchez, you go first.”

“Well, thank you, Ms. Chi, for giving me this opportunity and platform to speak today. It’s been an…interesting…time speaking against my opponent, Mr. Miller, over there. The thing I want to leave with the People today is just to say that… I just want to help. I want to help make everyone’s lives better, healthier, safer, happier.

I want to help make groceries more affordable, quality healthcare and education more accessible, and everything more fair and even for all, no matter your gender, race, religion, socioeconomic background, or any other factor that beautifully contributes to our broader magnificent human spectrum. The little girl in Atlanta should have no-less quality of life than the rich housewife and her husband in the upper-echelon of Connecticut. I want to help give everyone a fair shot at the best life possible—”

“Oh cut the crap, man.”

“Excuse me? Ms. Chi, will he allow me to finish?”

“Mr. Miller, pleas—”

“You’re so fake. Like it’s disgusting!! And you wonder why your side has lost every major election in the past 15 years!! Quit being fancy! Quit being fake!!”

“Oh really, I’m fake!?? Sir... You’re not even real!!”

“What? What are you talkin' about—I’m as real as it gets!!”

“Oh stop it, you are not. You went to Yale for undergrad and Harvard for law school and was valedictorian both times. Before getting into politics, you worked in the top law firm in the country! This whole ‘Hey, guys! Beer! Pro-Men, 'Look! Guns!!', and free subsidies for testicle implants stuff is a charade. And you know it! ”

“That ain’t true!”

“Oh my God, just stop. You know you don’t really say ‘ain’t’. Or care about beer or toilet seats!! Honestly, you probably care about the same stuff I care about, if not more!”

“You don’t know what you’re talkin’ about!!”

“Oh I know exactly ‘what I’m talkin’ about.' Ms. Chi, why don’t you go ahead and ask him about that BBC piece that just came out yesterday.”

“Umm Mr. Sanchez, I'm sorry, but we’ve run out of time. We have to let Mr. Miller say his fina—”

“Go ahead! Why don’t you ask him about it? Are you afraid?”

“Mr. Sanchez…”

“Fine. I’ll ask him.

Mr. Miller, is it true that you’re really a highly intelligent machine that was programmed years ago specifically to be dumbed down—to help you get into politics and eventually become president?”

“Why, I beg your pardon. This heinous accusation and the whole witch hunt are entirely preposterous.”

“Ohh, ‘heinous.’ ‘Accusation.’ ‘Preposterous.’ Who knew the President knew such big words? I bet his supporters didn’t.”

“I… I….

Boy, how dare you call me fake. And you’re one to talk!! Weren’t you raised in the backwoods of Mississippi and barely finished the third grade but just a few years ago got a brain implant that suddenly made you smarter?!”

“Why, I wholeheartedly refute that claim. I wholeheartedly refute that claim!!”

“Unh huh yeah, I’m sure you do. Callin’ me fake…”

“Well, umm… Gentleman, thank you both. This concludes our time.”