What Lies Beyond?

As she looked out into the night sky, Jillian absorbed the vast expanse of blues, oranges and other colors as they blended into the darkest of color and the edge where the stars had began to show up one by one. It was like a canvas that was split in two, where half was partially day and the other half had faded or was gradually fading into the inky black of night where the stars sprinkled in the night. She had begun to take those moments and really appreciate them, not only the sunsets, but sunrises and even the days and the birds in the air, the trees, the breezes, the rain when it came pouring down, and many other moments that life hands us but sometime, many times take for granted.

She contemplates much in those moments, pondering and even questioning at times some of the things she’s experienced and even learned in her life. Heaven & Hell, reincarnation, other theories of what happens when you die. She also looked back at the people and things in her life, choices she’s made and how she got to where she is now. She got a chill, it wasn’t a chill from cold, no, it was a chill, one that permeates to the pit of your stomach to your inner core, one that leaves you frozen in place, she remembered it, the fear, the sheer terror, she shook, and then she pulled herself out of the moment and back to the present, took multiple deep breaths and the sky no longer held beauty, it was another reminder, another hurt, it became a haunting sight, she turned around and went back inside.

The house was small and quaint, overlooking the coast. Most days she worked inside away from the hustle and bustle of the world, her job allowed her to work from home and the autonomy of it worked well with her schedule and that of her chosen career and created enough income to support her rather well. Most days she stuck to a schedule and had her habits that she kept, waking up early, going for a run or varying exercises in the house as long as she got some routine exercise in, then settling down to start working for a set number of hours a day without going over, yet many times she would find herself going beyond those hours and have to remind herself to stop, getting lost in the work in front of her, then trying to separate the evening hours from the day.

Today wasn’t most days, today was one of the days that the memories were prevalent, the darkness seemed too close and the light too little. She remembered the smell of smoke, the heat, surrounding her, the chaos, the screams, the walls closing in and being trapped with no way to move, no direction to go, the inability to breath in the air without also breathing in smoke, trying to find clean oxygen and light. The panic and shock held her in place and she couldn’t move. She saw shadows, movement some senses heightened as others seemed less capable, her hearing picked up a roar of flames, the crackling, her nose the smell of smoke, heat, burning debris, her eyes had saw less and less, as smoke filled the room, and her skin picked up the intense heat in the air, the dryness, her mind went into a panic, and she started to think all the things one shouldn’t think about in this type of situation, what should I do, what if I can’t get out, I’m going to die, what’s going to happen, I’m not ready to die, she started crying and then the panic began to take over, she had to stop and say Jillian stop! You need to stop pull yourself together, you’re not going to die, think, breathe, what can you do?

She looked around and went to the door, I can’ t get the door open its hot, where the window, her mind slowly started to think,is there a window and can i get out safely, how many floors? The questions helped her to get out of panic and get beyond the fear and moving, she went over to the window, it was an old window, the house was louder it was her grandparents house, being here for a visit was a random occurrence. She had impulsively decided to drive to see them for the weekend and now here they were and now this? How had it started? Where were they, are they OK? Thinking back to the window, she tried to get it open it wasn’t hot to the touch like the door so it seemed like a better alternative to get out safely, she fiddles with he lock, the handle, the glass, she heard a large explosion behind her and it stunned her, smoke started pouring under the door and it became apparent that she needed to hurry. She tried to unlock the window but it wasn’t working she looked around the room and tried to find something to break the window, there didn’t seem much to use, she went to the desk and scrambled through the drawers, there were bits of paper, some trinkets, pens, other things but nothing seemed like it could be used, she ran over to the closet, holder her arm o ever her nose and mouth to avoid breathing in the smoke which was getting thicker and thicker by the second. She looked closet and saw shoes and her suitcase, books, but nothing she thought would work, she ran back to the desk now frantic to find something and scrambled through the larger drawer and way in the back found a screwdriver. She took it and ran to the window and hit the window it it didn’t break, she hit it again and again with the buttoned of the tool, it wasn’t working so she turns it around and hit the glass with the metal end, it had a bigger impact, this end she kept hitting it, and of course in a moment she thought I could pry the window open instead feeling really dumb in this panicked situation, she got the window open and then realized she now had to get down to the ground, someone had called 911 and she could hear sirens she climbed in the window took a look and jumped.

When the memories hit she just couldn’t seem to work then other days work was the only thing keeping her sane, the shakes and anxiety, the nightmares all seemed wrapped up in a neat little package of leftover emotional trauma and everyday was different. The grief from the aftermath of it all weighed heavily over the years, the seven steps of grief that they tell you about, they are easy to read but no one prepares you for the onslaught of emotions that come with it. One day you’re up and the next down, another angry then another in denial, the cycle is wicked on the system and heart wrenching to the soul. It’s downright exhausting.

Jillian walked into the kitchen, to the refrigerator and looked inside there wasn’t really anything she seemed hungry for, though she had plenty to choose from there just wasn’t anything in there that appealed to the currently rumbling stomach and the nagging thirst she carried. That was also something she noticed it was like she could never quench her thirst no matter how much or what she drank lately. She had tried many things yet the thirst remained. And as she currently felt somewhat claustrophobic in the house she decided to go into town to well just to get out of the house for a bit and see what she might find when she got there.

She walked outside, locking the door behind her, climbed into her car and started the long drive into town. The house was about forty-five minutes away from anyone so it was pretty isolated, but it was quiet and away from the things that set off her triggers. After the jump so many things were in chaos around her and her life after, well things weren’t quite the same. She didn’t turn on the music but drove in silence. She pondered the impact that the past few years have had on her life, she didn’t get involved with too many people and it seemed a lonely lifestyle. It was on many days, so she found many things to keep herself busy, to keep her mind occupied, to block out the thoughts of loss and fear of losing someone anyone ever again. The walls she put up also kept people out she knew that but many days she felt it was better that way. She slowly pulled into the parking lot, parked and went into the store. She didn’t need a lot but meandered through looking for different things, making a mental note of what she might need and grabbing a few things here and there. She was walking down the aisle when an older woman she though she recognized came up to her and said Jillian Kilmarnock how are you doing? She was stunned, most people didn’t know her let alone her full name and didn’t talk to her. She stammered a do I know you? She struggled to get a word or any word out and the woman started to bluster out like she had known her for her entire life, she just stood in shock listening as this woman regaled her with a joyful and bountiful story of times past that to her seemed like another lifetime, many lifetimes ago. She talked and talked and as she listened to this woman she realized she thought she had bits of recognition start to seep in around her but not quite for sure, she talked about her family, her grandchildren, her aches and pains and life the ups and downs and the goodness that the Lord gives her everyday, this woman seemed to have an immense struggles yet she found a way to still find the good each day. She bubbled on about how her husband was waiting for her and she had to run but it was great seeing her and Jillian stood there dumbfounded not having gotten a word in after she hugged her and ran out in a hurry. She wasn’t sure what just happened, this woman came out of nowhere and disappeared just as quickly. She pulled herself out of her stupor and finished shopping and checked out, looking around but didn’t see the woman anywhere. She looked outside and was nowhere to be found, she told herself why would she be, she said her husband was waiting for her she should be long gone. She shook it off and drove home.

Getting home she put the food away, made herself a cup of tea and went to sit on the couch, she turned on some music to relax and grabbed the book she had been reading. Far off tales of romance and dashing good looking men did her no good truthfully but she lived vicariously through the heroine in the story, the ability to step away for a bit from the daily hum drum of her life and the constant sometimes what seemed to be boring blah of her life. She started to read and as she read she slowly nodded off and fell asleep on the couch. She dreamed & as she dreamed the nightmares began, the house, the smoke, the fire, her grandparents, her… she woke up screaming NO! She started to cry and just let the tears fall and the sorrow empty what she had left of emotion.

Her tea had grown cold, the house too, emptied of emotion, she got up, grabbed her cup took it to the kitchen and noticed it had started to snow. She wasn’t expecting any snow or any weather but it seemed to be a light snow, so she turned on the heat and made sure everything was locked up and went to her room. She didn’t think she would sleep much more so she grabbed her computer to do some work. She didn’t start right away she wondered about the woman in the store, the computer booted up and she decided to go.through some pictures and she went back to years back before the fire, she started to look and see people she hadn’t seen in a long time, people she didn’t remember, some she didn’t want to, some it hurt to, then she noticed a woman in a background, she looked something like the lady in the store, she looked closer, it couldn’t be, she became cold like ice, that’s not possible, she started to scramble to find other pictures of her, it couldn’t be her, it’s been how many years? She hugged me she felt real, how can that be? The picture was of her great aunt, she had passed away when she was a teenager, how could it be her, how could she even know her now? Time has passed, things have changed, she had changed, it’s just not possible, it had to be someone that looked like her. But then how did she know my name?

She vaguely remembered her great aunt, but if she remembered correctly she was very similar to the lady in the store. Talkative, warm, friendly and quite welcoming, very good energy. The moment in the store although she seemed stunned and thrown off by this lady, she also was given a moment of peace and welcoming she hadn’t felt in a long time, this woman couldn’t be her dead aunt , but most likely a doppelganger, she started to calm herself down trying to allow logic and calm into her conscious mind and to breathe deep breaths remembering the positive feeling from her, the embrace, the blustery moment and then proof gone. She thought back she had been upset and in her own world and then this woman came along and passed along a bit of her goodness and in that moment and in a bit of mystery relived a bit of grief and worry. Grateful for that she let go for a moment, the dread the concern the worry, the anxiety of the answers she didn’t have or may never have and let the mystery of the woman, some of the past and the fears, the grief rest and so did she.