Love is patient but not so kind

Against all odds I still have hope for us. 

I know it has been exactly two years since we were together. And you are married now, your new partner is quite a beauty to see. I can't deny that. I remember how we used to talk about our future, our kids, the way we would snuggle them to death for watching scary movies and we have our time together when they nap. 

You used to tell me how much you wanted to marry me, and I never considered marriage until I met you. Ever since I met you, you made my heart race so fast. I loved how fast you drove in an empty parking lot, almost killing us a couple of times. Despite you being in excitement, the thrill, the adrenaline, you were still the protective and sarcastic Virgo I fell in love with. 

I know that you wanted to get married once, I don’t know about marriage but if I could do it with you, I know that I would be up for it. Whether we do it in court or have a small gathering. I know you have bad anxiety when it comes to big crowds, so maybe we would just elope and have a small gathering to celebrate but if it’s with you I am happy with it. 

But now I see you with another partner, I never thought I’d live to see the day. But now you are broken, the same way I was when you left me. The same way you are now letting your tears go, I was the same way. The same way I’ve lost the will to function well. I see what everyone saw when you left me. 

And I don’t know how to feel about it. 

Is it wrong for me to say that a tiny part of me is feeling a bit satisfied now that you know how I felt when you left me? Yes, it probably does, that’s probably my ego. 

But at the same time, it still breaks me to see you like this. I know I have every reason to hate you, to block your number and tell you to fuck off. But a part of me is craving one more day with you. One more memory before you fade away again. 

I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak, but I have grown numb to the pain of losing you. 

It has all happened too fast. One minute it was me and you sharing a bed and listening to nature music so you could fall asleep at night. I would hold you extra tight when your nightmares come up. And now I wake up with the bed feeling so much bigger than before. I wake up to the sun shining against my face and I try to reach for you, only to remember that you are no longer mine to hold. 

I tried to go on without you, at first it was the worst part. It made me sick to just imagine the thought of living my life without you. But to live on and accept that you no longer love me, it’s no wonder I turned into an alcoholic for a time. Especially finding out how after only being apart for two months you are already living with someone else. 

It wasn’t until we saw each other again for the first time in the first year that we broke up, I see you hurt and in pain over someone who did you wrong. I drove all the way across town to be there for you. But I also did it with hopes for us to maybe see if we can try again. 

But alas, it was not the case. I’ve wanted to hold you tight while you screamed and cried out everything you were feeling. But I just sat there awkwardly next to you. And after a very dreadful yet awkward conversation, I knew I had to leave. But I didn’t leave without telling you that I still care about you. And that I didn’t know what love was until I met you. I know I might’ve said too much but I had to reassure you of how you are not loveless. Hearing how you hated yourself for getting hurt, it’s not your fault that you got mistreated. 

Once I left, I thought that was the end of it. Until you told me that you were already going on dates with another person. Little did I know that I would be the one to be there for you again when you call me crying about how your spouse just left you and you don’t know what you did wrong. 

That happened a year after I saw you in your small apartment and seeing your state of being. You were just like I was when we broke up. 

I was hoping that once you told me leave you alone again and I can try to heal the broken heart that I’ve tried so hard to heal from. But in a way we keep going around in circles and neither of us just won’t fucking give up. 

Here we are again, seeing each other while you are still technically married. You’ve come to me again like before. Seeing your name on my phone gave me anxiety but a part of me misses seeing your name on my phone. 

This time, my feelings have grown much deeper than I thought. I thought that I would be okay seeing you with someone else again but now I’m secretly broken while I’m encouraging you to not give up on your spouse. Even though the way they left make no sense since (from what I know) you haven’t done anything wrong. 

Even though you may know my love for you is still there, you still try to see if we can be friends. I thought the same thing, until I remembered why I fell in love with you in the first place. 

The way you would tell your stories about your job, chasing your dreams of joining the police force. It’s beautiful to see you grow more. The smile that makes my heart melt, your

dimples that compliment you. How you open the door for me, but not just for me but for other people (if there are other people around). I know it’s not much, but I still appreciate the sweet gesture. 

Just the other day, I’ve agreed to help you out with something before you go back to school for the summer. I know that I should’ve said no but I can’t help it. I am weak when it comes to you. 

After spending a good 10-15 minutes trying to find you, we did what we needed to do. When all that was done, we would just walk around campus for a bit and next thing we know we bumped into someone who works with Automotive. 

We spent a good amount of time making conversations with a random stranger. Seeing your eyes light up, your smile. I couldn't stop smiling and admiring you. I had to restrain myself from staring at you so much and smiling when I do. I love how funny you were when you were telling the guy how you are going from getting citations for reckless driving to being the one giving out citations. What are the odds?

Once that was done, we both had the same idea of wanting to go eat out. Our minds think alike, I guess. Before taking off, I remembered that I had to compose myself and to not get my hopes up. 

Settling down for a cup of noodles at a Ramon place, we were there for who knows how long. We just ate and talked a bit at first. But once the food was gone, we just talked even more. Laughing and smiling but also got into some more serious topics like the marriage that is falling apart and how hurt they are. 

I think they know how I still feel about them, I was hoping that it wasn’t obvious. I try not to get into that because I don’t want to break down in public. They pointed it out, but I just kept telling them no, even though they know that I’m a bad liar. 

We were there just talking for hours, and it wasn’t until the place was about to close when we realized how late it was. Once we went our separate ways, I couldn’t help but smile at the time we had spent together. Just talking about anything and everything just felt right to me. I wished that we stayed in that space and talked even more. I never wanted to leave if it meant we just spent more time just talking together like everything was okay. Maybe we could have another shot at us being together again.

Because hearing all these doubts about yourself, you must be blind to see how you are literally the most badass person I have ever met. I have dated people after you but none

of them captured my heart the way you did. None of them could make me in a blushing mess like you and please me like you. No one can understand and listen to me the way you do. 

And now we have officially made two years of being apart. And I can still feel the pain like it just happened yesterday. 

I try to remind myself that you hurt me, and you left me. You left me by telling me how broken you were, and you didn’t want to hurt me. But two months later you are already living with someone else. What happened to staying single for a long time and wanting to be alone? 

But seeing you again, spending quality time with you, now I remember why it was so hard for me to let you go. I just wish that I could simply turn off my feelings for you so I could enjoy watching you suffer over your own heartbreak over your partner leaving you for no good reason, the same way you left me. 

But I love you too much to ever hate you. I love you so much to where I want to help you figure things out with the marriage and this is happening. I know that you shouldn’t even be talking to me, but I still have hope for us too. Even when it's better to move on, I feel a small voice telling me to wait a little bit longer. Just hoping and waiting for you to come back to me and tell me how much you love me. 

And you did come back, but not for what I was hoping for, and you never stayed. Once things work out you are just going to leave again, and I’ll be left alone picking up the pieces of my broken heart which you shattered all over again.

But through all of this, no matter what happens a part of me is always going to be longing for you. For us to be together again and live our lives together. Get married and have kids of our own. 

No matter how many times people tell me to move on and that you are not worth my tears, I still have hope. But not as much as before. I must stop hoping, waiting for you to come back. You’ve told me to my face that you have moved on and I need to move on as well. But it's amazing how you still can break me all over again with a few simple words. 

Despite the countless chances I give you to leave with me, you still give me a slap back to reality by declaring your love for the other person and making me listen to you praise them like a fucking perfect person when they broke your heart, and you are still waiting for someone who probably doesn’t want to be found. 

As much as I wish for you to come back, I can’t spend the rest of my life waiting for someone who isn’t willing to fight for me. But my love for you will always be there. 

Against all odds I still have hope for us.